I have a five-year-old daughter and, as is the case with all children, shes already outgrown a mountain of clothes. Lovely little dresses, coats, shoes, clothes barely worn two or three times children grow far too quickly. Ive never been the sort to hold onto things for sentimental value, so, one weekend, I calmly sat down, took everything out of her wardrobe, and sorted through each item. I separated out what was still in perfect condition and got rid of anything stained, torn, or too worn. I dont believe in passing on clothes that are ready for the bin; that much is clear.
My niece came to mind my husbands sisters little girl. Shes nearly four and is always dressed quite simply, sometimes in the same few outfits, not because theyre struggling, but because her mum doesnt put much thought into clothes. I didnt say anything. I just packed up a good bag full of practically-new clothes dresses, smart sets, a coat my daughter had worn twice, and some barely-used shoes. There was nothing shabby or worn out. I washed it all, folded it nicely, and handed it over kindly, saying,
These are too small for mine, but they’d be lovely for yours.
She smiled and thanked me and I honestly thought nothing of it. But within two days, strange things started happening. My mother-in-law messaged me, asking why I was showing off with clothes and making the family uncomfortable. My husbands cousin gave me a frosty look and didnt greet me at a family gathering the way she usually does. I was completely baffled.
Later, I found out through another sister-in-law that the mum of my niece had been telling people Id humiliated her by bringing leftovers, implying I wanted to show her up as the poor relation, and that I fancied myself above them. She even said Id made a big show of coming round with bags just to flaunt what I have. Hearing this, I felt both angry and hurt, because nothing of the sort crossed my mind.
Things took a turn for the worse at a family lunch when my sister-in-law made a pointed comment in front of everyone:
Some people think that giving away old clothes is helping, but really its just patronising.
I froze. My husband glanced at me, my mother-in-law said nothing, and the whole room fell silent. It became obvious where all these stories had started.
Without raising my voice, but speaking firmly, I replied to her in front of everyone. I said that I hadnt given her anything scruffy, that Id chosen only the nicest pieces, and thrown anything worn out away. I said that if she found it humiliating to accept beautiful clothes for her daughter, I simply wouldnt offer next time. I made it clear I wouldnt let her paint me as the villain when all Id tried to do was think of her child.
From that day, the atmosphere in the family changed. My sister-in-law wont speak to me properly, only says hello out of politeness. My mother-in-law tries hard to remain neutral, but you can tell she feels awkward. And I was left with such a bitter feeling, because you can do something with the best intentions and still find yourself at the heart of a conflict you never looked for.
Sometimes, even when our hearts are in the right place, our gestures can be misinterpreted. The lesson Ive learnt is that kindness, however genuine, needs to be given with sensitivity to the feelings and pride of others. Its always worth considering, before giving, how someone might receive and perhaps, sometimes, a quiet offer or a simple word can mean far more than any gift.
