Im a pensionerwhile I was selling my bagels this morning, someone tried to con me.
There I was, standing at my bagel stand on the cornersame spot every single daywhen these two chaps rocked up. Both looking terribly respectable. Suits, ties, shiny briefcaselike something out of a banking advertisement. The sort of blokes who look very much in charge, but you get a funny feeling if you catch their eye.
Good morning, madam, said one, flashing the grin of a salesman whod sell you a leaky umbrella and then wish you a dry walk home. Are you the owner of this establishment?
I certainly am, love. Shall I bag up a couple of hot bagels for you? Theyve just come out and theyre as warm as a sunbeam.
Thats not why were here. You see, your stand is set up in a high-value business district, and youll need to sort out your documentation.
Well, that was when a little warning bell clanged in my head. But I decided Id play the part of the hopelessly gormless granny.
Oh, bless you, to sort out I can barely sort out my own sugars. Diabetic, high blood pressure, and the other day the doctor told me my cholesterol is through the roof. Do you lot have cholesterol? Let me tell you about my medication
Madam, if you could just he tried to cut in.
Tut-tut, dont interrupt an elderly woman, its dreadfully rude. As I was saying, those tablets have puffed me up like a raffle balloon. And my poor daughters in the middle of a divorce Her husband turned out to be an absolute freeloader, much like my late husbandrest his soul, although he was just as much trouble when alive
The second bloke was now starting to get twitchy, shuffling some papers.
Madam, what were talking about is a finefive thousand pounds and
Five thousand?! Oh, ducky, I barely scrape together the rent. Have you SEEN the price of gas, or electric these days? My youngest grandson, wants to be a vet (even though hes still in school), says, Gran, stop leaving the hot water on. But honestly, once youre my age you cant go without a proper bath. The aches!
Would you PLEASE
No, YOU listen. Do you know what its like to be flogging bagels at 68? My pension wont stretch to half my prescriptions, let alone a fine. Arthritis in the knees, hands, neck Sometimes I dont sleep a wink from pain. Yet here I am, every single dayrain, sleet, sunstroke. If I dont turn up, I dont eat. And now you want me to cough up five grand? I might as well collapse here and give you a real problem.
They glanced at each other, sweat breaking out on their shiny foreheads.
Er Maybe we could, yknow, arrange a payment plan
A payment plan? Ive got payment plans with the bank, with the chemist, with the off-licence even with my neighbour! For my tooth! Do you know what a single tooth costs? Three thousand pounds! And thats NHS!
One of them was already stuffing his papers away.
Hang on, mate, I havent finished. My sisters on dialysis, you know what that is? Three times a week, four hours at a go, hooked up to a machine. Insurance hardly covers a thing. All us siblings chip in, and I give her a hundred quid a month out of my bagel money. And now youre talking a fine? Why? Ive got all my paperwork. Councils given me a licence, Im registered, tax is paidwell, not much because I dont earn much. Got my NHS health card too. Want a look?
Out came my pursepaperwork falling out in all directions.
See? My licence is valid until next year. Stamped and everything. And which department did you say you were from again?
They started to shuffle backwards.
Oh, didnt catch that? Odd, really. I may be a pensioner but Im not thick. Before I sold bagels, I worked thirty-five years in council licencing myself. Know exactly who can ask for what, and a proper inspector doesnt show up in a dodgy suit or ask for cash in hand with no receipt.
And another thingthe CCTV camera at the corners got all this on tape. My son-in-laws a copper. Got me this spot because its safe. Shall I pop over and give him a ring? Hes round the corner on St. Johns Road.
At this, they nearly broke into a run.
No, madam, theres er been a misunderstanding
Take a couple of bagels for the road! I called after them. Proof I dont hold a grudge!
One of my regulars was practically weeping with laughter.
You had them there half an hour, listening to your tales!
Well, you should knowhalf of it was pure rubbish. I havent got diabetes, my daughters perfectly happy, and my sisters as fit as a fiddle. But those conmen think if youre old and broke, youre daft as well.
And your copper son-in-law?
Thats gospel. The CCTV too. And most of all, the paperwork. Theres a world of difference between being poor and being a mug. I sell bagels because pensions are a joke, not because I cant count.
I handed over the usual bagels, with a bit of extra sugar, and carried on with my day.
And what do you reckondoes being skint make you more vulnerable, or isnt a bit of life experience and cheek worth far more than a university degree?
