Youre not my family anymore
Mum, Ive brought Emily round Tamaras voice echoed from the front hall, pulling Nina from her notes. Ill collect her tonight, Im late as it is.
The door slammed shut. Nina leaned back in her chair and rubbed her forehead. A moment later, her mother entered, carrying her small niece. Three-year-old Emily blinked sleepily.
Again? Nina asked.
Valerie only nodded, setting Emily gently down. Instantly the little girl toddled over to the bed, clambered up as if it were her own, then reached towards the bedside table. Out came a battered colouring book and a box of crayons; she settled herself neatly, tucking her feet under, and started colouring with the seriousness of ritual.
Nina stood, following her mother to the sitting room. Valerie was already rummaging in the cupboard for her workbag, checking the contents.
Mum Nina began. Its my final year. Ive only three months until graduation. I cant keep doing
Tamara needs help Valerie cut her off. Her marriage failed, you know that. Shes trying to sort her personal life out. She needs support; you should understand.
She can sort herself out as much as she wants! Ninas words burst out, forced down to a fierce whisper so the girl wouldnt hear. But why does her responsibility always land on someone else? Shes the mother, Mum. She is!
Valerie looked up at last.
Enough talking. I have to get to work she said, zipping shut her bag. The little ones your charge now.
Nina wanted to argue to say it wasnt fair, that she had an essay in macroeconomics due in two days, her dissertation barely started. But one look at her mother told her: pointless. She simply nodded.
Once Valerie had left, Nina returned to the bedroom. Emily was still hard at work, tongue poking out with concentration as she coloured a unicorn purple.
Auntie Nina, look! Emily held up her masterpiece. Nice?
Very nice, Emily Nina perched on the bed, pushing her notes to one side.
The day dragged on, sticky and slow. They drew, then watched cartoons on the laptop, then Emily wanted lunch so Nina boiled pasta while reading her text. The words blurred, refusing to settle into meaning. Emily spilled her juice on the tablecloth. Then the child became cranky, too tired to play but protesting bedtime. Nina walked her up and down the flat, humming a barely remembered lullaby, until Emily finally dozed on her shoulder.
By evening, Nina felt wrung out. Her textbook lay open at the same page. Tamara arrived around seven; Nina opened the door with dozing Emily in her arms.
Come on, sweetheart Tamara bundled her daughter up. Well be off then.
And left. No thanks. No how did she behave? Just gone. Nina was weary beyond words.
Two months passed in much the same fashion. Emily was dropped off unannounced, Tamara disappeared, and Nina juggled her degree with childcare. She did graduate in the end, though it meant sleepless nights and squinting over her dissertation as her niece slept.
Then Tamara met Paul. Romance bloomed; within three months, Nina stood in the registry office, watching her sister beam in a white dress beside a broad-shouldered man who looked at her with adoration. Their mother wiped her eyes with a handkerchief; Emily twirled in a pink frock at their feet. Nina clapped with the rest, hoping things would finally settle down hoping Tamara would, at last, focus on her own family.
Soon a baby boy arrived little Benjamin. Nina visited the hospital with flowers and blue balloons, holding the swaddled bundle and thinking at last her sister had found her happiness. Paul looked like a proud father; Emily declared herself a big sister. For eight months, it seemed an idyll.
Then a call from her mother interrupted Nina at work in the midst of a quarterly report. Valeries voice shook. Paul had been caught cheating Tamara found the messages a scene, then divorce.
Nina pressed the phone to her ear, massaging her temples. History repeating itself exactly, except this time with two children. Tamara coped even less than before: dropping her children at their mothers with red-rimmed eyes, disappearing to pull herself together, sometimes not returning until the next day.
Slowly, Nina realised her life was no longer her own.
A year slid by. Nina was promoted, though shed barely had the chance to enjoy it. Tamara met Andrew, and things spun up as before: flowers, restaurants, gushing about how different he was from the rest. The third wedding was smaller, just family. Nina sipped champagne, unable to shake the sense that worse still lay ahead.
One lunchtime, Valerie rang as Nina sat poking at a salad in a café across from the office, half-planning her evening groceries.
Nina her mothers voice was anxious and oddly excited. Are you sitting down?
Yes Nina put down her fork, bracing herself. Whats happened?
Tamaras expecting.
A long pause hung over the table, mixing with the smell of coffee and murmuring conversation.
Twins Valerie added. Shes having twins.
Nina stared at her limp salad leaves, eyes blurring. Four. Tamara would soon have four children by three different men. And when this latest marriage fell apart for it inevitably would those children would end up back with her and Mum.
Nina, are you there? Valeries voice pressed insistently. Hello?
I hear you, Mum Nina rubbed the bridge of her nose Give Tamara my congratulations.
She hung up before her mother could reply, staring numbly at her dark phone. All appetite vanished, as if it had never been there.
Nina trudged home near eight, bone-tired and hollow. Valerie sat in the kitchen, hands wrapped round a cold mug of tea, and leapt to anxious speech as her daughter entered, as if afraid to be interrupted.
Nina, Ive thought myself round in circles twins, that means four children for her, and what if it goes wrong again? You know what shes like, men always come before her own. We cant manage; Im no spring chicken, my blood pressures up and youre working, so what will happen if anything goes wrong?
Nina hung her bag by the door and walked to the table, but chose not to sit. She stood looking down at her mothers rumpled hair threaded with grey, the weary shadows beneath her eyes, the nervous hands clutching her cup.
Mum, Nina cut in; Valerie fell silent mid-sentence. I want to leave. Move to another city.
Valerie froze, staring at her as if Nina had started speaking in gibberish.
I just cant anymore Nina said, drained. I cant run my own life while constantly having to save Tamara from hers. Ive done enough, Mum. Ive sacrificed more than enough: time, my degree, my friends, my career. Im finished.
Valerie tried to interrupt, but Nina held up a hand.
Id like to bring you with me, if you want to get away from all this too. If you dont, I understand. But I will go, even if its alone. Because Im tired of raising my sisters children, Mum. Yes, theyre my nieces and nephews, I love them but they arent my responsibility.
She exhaled, like dropping a heavy sack shed carried for years. Valerie said nothing, her eyes focusing on a patch of wall somewhere beyond Nina.
Nina waited a moment longer, but her mother had nothing more to say. She left for her room, lay on the bed fully clothed, and stared up at the ceiling. Her heart pounded in her throat, her palms sweaty. Shed finally said it out loud after months of silent thought.
It was nearly dawn when she finally fell asleep.
When she rose, she found a folder on the kitchen table. Its battered cover was familiar her mother kept deeds for their flat in it, a legacy from Ninas grandmother, from when Nina was still a girl. She opened it, leafed through the papers, unsure why her mother had left it out.
Well sell it came her mothers voice from the doorway. Nina jumped.
Valerie stood there, pale from a sleepless night, but with a resoluteness about her, as if clinging to a decision.
Well give Tamara a third, her share by rights Valerie continued, crossing over to the table. The rest, well use to buy something elsewhere. We dont need much.
Nina stared at her, barely believing. She wanted to ask, to check, to be sure she was hearing right. But when Valerie met her gaze, Nina saw the same exhaustion that had dogged her own years. Maybe Valerie had just hidden it better. Or maybe Nina had tried too hard not to see it.
She hugged her mother tight, squeezing her eyes shut and pressing her face to her shoulder. Valerie hugged back, patting her hair as in childhood.
Lets go, love she whispered. Enough.
Within two months, they made it happen, quietly and steadily. They found a buyer, settled on a modest flat in a city two hundred miles away, nothing special, but enough. Nina arranged a transfer to a local branch of her company. Throughout it all, they said nothing to Tamara.
They told her only on moving day, bags packed and train tickets in hand. Tamara rushed over within half an hour, bursting into the half-empty flat, heavily pregnant, face distorted by rage.
What are you doing? she shouted from the hallway, not even pausing to take off her shoes. Youre abandoning me? Now? When Im due with twins any day?
Nina held out an envelope with her share from the sale. Tamara snatched it, peered inside, and her anger grew sharper still.
What am I meant to do with this? she threw the envelope down, banknotes scattering. I need help, not charity! Im in crisis, cant you see?
Youve been in crisis for five years, Tamara Nina replied. Were exhausted.
Exhausted? EXHAUSTED? Tamara sputtered. And you think Im just relaxing? Raising two and pregnant with twins?
It was your choice, Tamara said Nina evenly. Now its our turn.
Tamara turned to her mother for backup, but Valerie simply fussed with the clasp on her bag, looking away.
You’re not my family anymore, Tamara spat out, picking up the envelope with trembling fingers. Neither of you.
She stormed out. Nina and Valerie exchanged looks, but said nothing. Nina hefted her bag to her shoulder; Valerie grabbed her suitcase. They left, locking the door for the last time, and walked away.
The train was leaving within the hour. Nina sat by the window, watching the platform fall away, streetlights and houses flashing past the glass. Valerie dozed against her shoulder, spent by packing and that final confrontation.
The city melted behind them, carrying away years of arguments, burdened arms, guilt, and impossible duty. Nina leaned back and, for the first time in years, breathed deeply. The future was uncertain but it was hers.
The train rattled on into the distance, and Nina closed her eyesOutside, the countryside blurred into emerald and gold. Nina watched as fields rolled past, thinking of all that lay ahead not the hardships left behind, but mornings she might wake to peace, to possibility, to her own life unspooling at last.
She glanced down at her mother, soft lines eased in sleep, and felt a quiet gratitude. At last, theyd both chosen themselves. Even if tomorrow they woke to doubts or fear or missing voices, something new had been set in motion; love could mean letting go, not just giving.
Above them, sunlight spilled through the carriage window, gilding Valeries grey hair, warming Ninas hands folded on her lap. She watched it dance and flicker, and realized that after all the years of living for someone else, this light belonged to her.
The train thundered onward, and for once, Nina did not look back.
