So, listen to this, youll have a right laugh. Old Doris, you know the one who lives at the end of Elm Lane in the village? Well, her big old tomcat finally kicked the bucket. He was a real legend around here, that onealways strutting about, keeping the other cats in check and terrorising every mouse within a mile. But, you know, he was past it these days. Hed been with Doris for nearly twenty yearsnot bad going for a cat, especially with his lifestyle!
Anyway, Doris wraps her beloved moggy up in a fresh tea towel, grabs the old spade, and heads out beyond the back garden to lay him to rest. Meanwhile, her husband, Arthur, was making a right mess of things down in the shed, swearing quietly to himself while trying to fix something or other.
After the burial, Doris comes trudging back with the muddy spade balanced on her shoulder, and who should she bump into but her neighbour, city lass Mabel.
Morning, Doris Jane! calls Mabel, being all polite, as usual. Whats got you out and about with that spade then?
Oh, you know, says Doris, my Tommys finally gone. Poor old thing, the Lords taken him. Had a bit of a cry, then I popped him out back and buried him.
You shouldve seen Mabels face. Shed only just seen Arthur down at the Co-op yesterday, picking up some sugar, some fags, and one of those little bottles of gin.
Hang onwhat? You mean your Arthurs gone? Mabel stammers, reeling a bit. But I only saw him yesterday, all cheerful like!
Oh, he was full of beans only yesterday, says Doris with a nod. Absolutely stuffed himself with pilchards, spent the afternoon scampering round the house, even jumped on the bed for a cuddle. Then this morning, just like that, hes gone all quiet. Had a bit of a grumble, laid himself down on the benchand that was it.
Mabels eyes were getting wider by the second.
So, you just you just buried him out there? she says, pointing to the fields.
Of course, says Doris, as plain as anything. Wrapped him up nice and neat, popped him in a spot Ill remember, even put a twig there in case I forget where. Thats how we do it.
Now, Mabels from London, see, and isnt clued up on all the village ways. Cant blame her for being a bit taken aback, thinking Doris just popped poor old Arthur behind the cabbages with only a twig for a headstone!
Blimey, whispers Mabel, all flustered, Youre nothing if not practical! But arent you supposed to, I dunno, call someone? Like, shouldnt the GP or someone official come round to tick off the paperwork?
Now Doris looks at her like shes grown another head.
Oh dont be so daft! laughs Doris. Arthur was a marvelbut what, shout for the constable every time someone pops off? The police would never get any rest! Maybe I should go straight to the Chief Inspector, eh?
Mabel just sits there absolutely speechless. Doris flicks the spade on her other shoulder.
Maybe thats how it is in town, she says, trying to be nice. You lot love an official, dont you? Always got a solicitor or a council worker for every little thing. But out here, we do it simple. If old Charlie peggs itwell, theres the spade, theres the field. Loads of room.
Well I never, Mabel breathes, I can tell Ive still got a lot to learn about the countryside life! But, Doris, why out there in the weeds? Couldnt you have given him a proper send-off in a churchyard?
At this point, Doris was starting to lose patience.
And where else am I supposed to put him, once hes snuffed it? she snaps. You dont go popping every dearly departed in the churchyard, especially not Tommy. They cant all be next to the vicar. Thats how weve always done itstick em behind the rhubarb.
Mabel hesitantly sits down on the old tree stump, making sure not to catch Doris eyesshes waggling that spade a bit too energetically. You can see Mabels legs are wobbling.
Youre something else, mate, she squeaks out, Just stacking them up out there! How many have you got now, if you dont mind me asking?
Doris looks thoughtful. Oh, a fair few if Im honest. Before Tommy, there was Mickeyreal soft-natured, but a devil underneath. I used to give him what for when he was naughtynever did learn, bless him. Before him, there was Sammyhe was lovely and gentle. But his time came, too. Ive been through a good few over the years, I can tell you.
And she rams the spade into the turf for effect.
Now theyre all out there in a line. Tommy, Mickey, Sammymy little treasures. Still, not to worry, young Annie down the road says shell introduce me to a new kitten soon enough. Therell always be another for me to fuss over.
Who knows what Mabel was thinking, because just then, out storms Arthur from the shed, covered in mud and fuming.
Are you trying to do me in, woman? he shouts. I got buried under a load of boxes in there, Im shouting for helpand youre out here nattering away!
He snatches the spade from Doris and adds, Hand that over! I need to dig out my bootsand my gins in there too.
And with that, Mabel slid right off the stump in a faint. Good thing the gin came in handy afterwards!
