June 13th
Mum knelt down in front of me, her eyes full of worry. Ellie, darling, please listen to me, she whispered. We need to stay here for a while. Not forever, just a bit, until things settle down. Then well go back to the city.
I just stared at her, saying nothing.
Mum gave my shoulder a gentle shake. Ellie, can you hear me? Do you understand what Im saying?
I hear you, Mum.
Then why are you so quiet? Her nerves were showing, and I could see it.
I wasnt quiet, Mum. I was just thinking.
Thinking, were you? she huffed. Look around, Ellie, there are loads of books here. When I was your age, I read every one I could find
Mum, will we have to stay here for long?
I dont know, sweetheart. Weve just got to make do for now.
I knew exactly whatd happened to us, to our family. Mum liked to believe I was still a little girl who didnt understand, but she was wrong.
Aunt Cathy will pop in to see you sometimes. Ill cook you something for the day before I head off in the morning, and Ill come back in the evening. At the weekends, well be together. Maybe well walk down to the river for a swim, just like old times
Suddenly, Mum hid her face in her hands. Im sorry, so sorry
Dont cry, Mum. Please. I know Dads left us, I know we have to manage somehow. You thought the best thing was to move here, into Grans cottage. And rent out the flat in town.
She looked at me, surprised. You know all that, Ellie?
I know, Mum I promised Id be good, Id wait for her every day and read all those books. Besides, Aunt Cathy will be around to keep an eye on me.
Well get by, Mum. And Ill start school in September. Then I hesitated, Mum is there even a school here?
She looked away. No, darling, there used to be, years ago. But not anymore. I promise, by September well be back in our flat. Just till I find a new job, a proper one.
Shed only rented out our flat till Augustwed just have enough time. After that, shed fix it up, and wed have our home back. Everything would be alright.
That evening, we sat for ages on the porch of the cottage, Mum telling me about her childhood, and her wonderful gran.
Mum, did you have a mum? I asked.
She sighed. I did. Shes still alive, but she never really wanted me.
What do you mean?
Things just went that way. She had me young. Didnt really get on with my dad, he left for another city, started a new family. Mum left me here with Gran Susan, and went off to London to find her dreams.
Did she find them? The dreams?
She did, but she forgot about me, altogether. Got married again, had two more children. Sent a birthday card, and something at Christmas, thats all.
I remembered her saying once that her mother brought those children to the countryside when they were unwell, for the fresh air. She didnt even tell them I was her daughter, they thought we were strangers.
Once Gran asked her to buy a dress for Mums graduation. She just snapped at Gran, shouting that her real child was ill and she had no time for such nonsense. Gran was furious and threw her out.
Mum, you never call her Mum, you always just say she
I know, love. I cantGran Susan was my real mum.
Youre named after Gran Susan, arent you? Susan?
Yes, I suppose I am
Did you love her, Mum?
Oh, Ellie, yes. I loved her so much. When she died it was as if the world went grey. I tried to love my mother too, waited for her every birthday, every holiday, but she never really came. Even when I was ill, on the first of September, I waited. When Gran died, she couldnt comeher husbands mum had a big anniversary. She came later, we cried a bit, then she sent me off to boarding school.
I thought that must be so lonelyspending Christmas without her.
I was a teenager when I decided not to let her near me anymore. One Christmas she said, Sorry, cant have you home, too many relatives. So I took the keys to Grans cottage.
She was furious. Thats my house too, she said. Were going up for the New Year.
I warn you, if you do, Ill ruin your little trip. Now give me the keys!
Of course she didnt. I climbed over the fence, got new locks fitted by Uncle Fred next door, and all the neighbours said if anyone tried to throw me out, theyd stop themout of respect for Gran Susan.
That was my first Christmas without Gran. My friends came round instead, we made the best of it. And then I turned eighteen.
Do you ever see her, Mum? I asked.
No. Theres nothing to say. For her, Im just a loose end.
Mum do you think youd ever leave me?
She pulled me close. Never, Ellie. Never, do you hear me?
Over time, I got used to things. Mum went to work while Aunt Cathy looked in. I cooked for myself, washed my dish, fed my doll, and curled up with a booksometimes reading aloud to my doll Rosie or my teddy bear Charlie.
Those early days, I cried sometimeswell, the tears came on their own really. Id blink, wipe them away, but theyd keep coming, without my meaning them to. But Mum always came home, and that was all I needed.
Except, one evening, she didnt. It got dark, I shut the curtains and switched on the lights. Dont be scared, Rosie, Charlie, Lucy and Nina, and you too, Andy the clown. Im here, I told my toys.
I wondered about walking to the station to meet Mum. But I didnt know the way well enoughI might miss her.
I chased away all the miserable thoughts. No, my mum would never leave me. Noshe wouldnt. Who would look after me here if Gran Susan was gone?
I imagined Mum marrying again, having more children, forgetting about me. Id be left alone in Gran’s cottage…
I began to sob, loudly now. I couldnt breathe, my eyes burned, and my throat ached. Sitting at the window, I cried myself to sleep.
I woke to some noise in the hall. Could it be rats? Ormy other grandma, the one I never metmaybe shed come to take the cottage away. Would she throw me out? I whimpered.
Suddenly, the door opened, the light flicked on.
Mum! I jumped up from the chair, knocking it over. Mum, oh, Mum!
My darling girl, my precious Ellie! Im so sorry I missed the last train, had to walk from the next station.
Mum, were you scared?
I was terrified, Elliescared for you! I cried the whole way, begged you not to cry, but cried all the same. Even the foxes ran away! Mum was laughing and crying at once.
I was so afraid youd think Id left you.
And then, for the first time, I lied to Mum.
I didnt think that, Mum. I know youd never leave me.
It wasnt true, but I couldnt bear to make her sadder.
We stayed at Grans through the summer. When August ended, I started school, Mum found a good job.
Dad decided to go to court so he could have me at weekends. Mum just laughedhed never shown much interest.
I never stopped him visiting, shed say. He just never wanted to.
So, I started seeing Dad on Saturdays. At first I was thrilled. But then, well
Mum, I think my dads like your mum. He doesnt really want me. We just go to the play-area at the shopping centrehes always on his phone, having rows. I just sit and watch the little kids. I dont want to go, Mum. Can we tell him?
Dad blamed Mum, said she was turning me against him.
Im your father! he shouted. You cant stop me!
Dad Im not a little girl anymore. Why do you keep taking me to that silly playroom? I dont even like crisps Ive grown up.
When you left me and Mum, I stayed home on my own all day. When Mum missed her train, she had to walk through the woodsshe was chased by wolves, Dad. I was home alone.
For the second time, I liedabout wolves.
Dad listened, then left. But a month later, he came back. He apologised. And we went to the cinemajust me and him.
Now, I looked forward to seeing my dad again.
Susan, did you really run away from wolves? Dad asked Mum one day.
Yes, Mum answered, without blinking.
Later, Dad and Mum were talking when he missed his last train home. Mum told him, Youve missed your train.
Mum, I said that night, if Dad missed his train, how will he get home? Should he stay here with us?
Dad looked hopefully at Mum, but she stood firm.
Hell walk there are no wolves here, she said and showed him to the door.
Mum he wanted to come back, didnt he? I asked as we lay together in bed.
Yes, darling.
Will you forgive him?
Mum was silent.
Thats up to you, Mumbut I love you both.
I know, Ellie.
But you most of all. Youre the bravest mum in the world. You ran to me, not even scared of wolves.
Years passed. Now, Im getting married.
Mum theres something I need to confess.
Im listening, love.
Mum back then, I did think youd left me. Like your mum left you.
Oh, my girl how could I ever? I never would.
I didnt realise that then. Im sorry, Mum.
She hugged me tightly. No, Ellie, Im the one whos sorry you had to go through all that
We stood, mother and daughter, arms round each other. Still together, always together. Mum is always by my side.
