A little while ago, my distant aunt rang me unexpectedly and invited me to her daughters weddingmy distant cousin, whom I last saw when she was six. That is, when she was six.
Im not especially overcome by family warmth, but there was no getting out of it this time.
At least once every twenty years we ought to meet. Dont you dare not turn up, my aunt declared sternly.
The invitation, complete with doves and roses, soon arrived, signed by Victoria and Christopher. And just a couple of days before the big event, I was reminded again. There was no escaping now.
Well, I thought, there goes my Saturday, but what can you do?
So there I was, clutching a bunch of flowers, in a foul mood, fully intending to slip away after an hour in true English fashion. I made my way to the restaurant and entered the dining hall. They sat me with a lively group of young ladsfriends of the groomwho, after a few pints, began praising what a wonderful aunt the bride had, and how young I looked to be anybodys aunt. They insisted we get properly acquainted and truly enjoy ourselves, which, for lack of anything better to do, we did.
Of course, I didnt recognise the bride at all. After so many years, shed gone from a dusky little mouse into a rather extravagant blonde with an impressive figure. To be honest, I rather preferred her as a mouse.
In general, the mood was on the grim side: a crowd of frowning aunties with their husbands, a groom who looked utterly terrified, and a bride who had just realised her own improbable beauty and curves. If it werent for our increasingly cheerful corner of the room, the whole affair might as well have been a wake. The aunties gave us thoroughly disapproving looks.
Id missed the first round of toasts, but I arrived just as the second began. As it happened, it was my turn. The master of ceremonies, after figuring out who I was, happily announced:
And now, the lovely and youthful aunt of the bride will say a few words to the happy couple!
So I stood up and, with all sincerity, began:
My dearest Victoria and Christopher
The wedding hadnt ever been particularly lively, but at that moment an absolute silence fell. It was only then I realised my aunt was nowhere in sight, and I doubted shed ever have changed enough that I wouldnt recognise her.
The brides name is Rachel, hissed the lady in pink opposite me. And the grooms Oliver.
Rachel? Oliver? I stammered, utterly lost.
Some people just show up to other peoples parties for a free feed, the pink lady muttered. We had one just like that come to our sons going away do before he joined the armybarely managed to throw him out. No shame, some people.
And thats when it hit me that this wedding was about to become rather more eventful. The guests seemed to tense up, eyes flashing, several even starting to rise from their seats. The rolling-up of sleeves wasnt far off.
But look, I have the invitation! I cried, actually waving my invitation like some sort of flag. It says hereVictoria and Christopher, this restaurant, this hall
Salvation came from a waiter, of all people.
Miss, he said, we do have another function room upstairs. Might you be looking for that one?
Of course, she is. Wants a free meal, thats what, the pink lady declared with satisfaction. Shell have had hers here and then nip upstairs for seconds. How do the brazen survive among us? Shameless!
And cheek, said another aunt in green, is a blessing that some people are born with.
For the record, I dont resemble a scrounger or an opportunist in the slightest. Although, as the saying goes, others may see you differently. The grooms friends actually leapt to my defence, only to get an earful from the lady in lilac:
Look at her, already turning the mens heads!
And the woman in pink added for good measure:
Thats exactly how our head accountant lost her husband. Turn your back a moment and theyre off, absolute hussies.
Ive never run off with anyones husband in my life, but right then I truly felt like a homewrecker. I even started glancing around at the menmight as well, seeing as I was being accused on all counts anyway.
Thank heavens, the kind waiter dashed off, and soon returned with my aunt, who was quick to take stock of the scene and swore up and down that yes, she knew me. All the while, she made odd, exaggerated winks both at me and the others, as if to imply I had always been a bit touched in the head.
Long story short, I was whisked away to the actual wedding upstairs, where the dusky beauty Victoria and, I think, Christopher awaitedand where, without pause, I was plied with all manner of strong drinks.
At least, I thought to myself, I hadnt handed over my present yet.
Still, the friends of the first groom saw me out at the end of the night. In hindsight, Ive learnt to always double-check the venue before I show up at any family functionand to never underestimate the power of an English aunts determination.












