The doorbell ranga sound far too cheery for what followed. Within seconds, the flat was invaded by Janet, my mother-in-law, who breezed in without so much as a hello, shoving my son aside in her hurry to be outraged.
Right then, Emily, darling daughter-in-law, any secrets youre keeping from my son? demanded Janet.
Mum? Whats happened now, Mum?
Earlier that evening, when John got home, all was eerily quiet. His wife, Alice, had warned him that morning shed be latesomething about a surprise inspection at work, management flexing their muscles.
Ever the optimist, John padded into the kitchen, rooted through the fridge, and, having discovered dinner was a myth, flicked the kettle on and crafted a couple of sandwiches, settling himself in front of the telly.
A few minutes of channel-hopping led him to the Holy Grail: boxing on ITV4. Hed just delivered the first victorious bite of cheese on toast, when, you guessed it, the bell blared and Janet appeared in the doorway, drama in each nostril.
John! Listen to me! Ive just heard from Maureen!
Whats up, Mum? John asked, bracing himself.
Its your wife, thats what! Turns out, your Alice owns another flat. Shes letting it out and keeping the money for herself!
Oh, Mum, please dont listen to that Maureen. She collects gossip like other people collect commemorative teaspoons, and you always lap it up!
All right, maybe Maureen does get a tad dramatic, but this time its legit! The two-bedroom flatAlices flatis being rented by Maureens cousins niece. Nice newlyweds, apparently, and they pay Alice eight hundred quid a month. Eight hundred! Theyre chuffed, think its a right bargain. And shes had tenants for two years, mindthese arent the first!
Well, thats a turn up, John mused, But why keep it from me?
You march right up to Alice when she gets in and ask her yourself. Though its obviousshes setting up some emergency exit from this marriage. Save up a pile of cash and then run off. And shell fleece you on the way out! Janet declared, practically fizzing.
Alice arrived in due course, looking exhausted but still smelling faintly of Marks & Spencers coleslaw. Husband and mother-in-law awaited, Janet having resisted all urges to leaveafter all, why miss a good show? To pass the time, shed made dinner and force-fed John two helpings.
As Alice entered, two pairs of eyesone exasperated, one suspiciouslocked onto her.
Janet pounced, Go on, Emily, darling, whats this about hiding things from your hubby?
I dont think theres anything, Alice replied, calmly enough.
Oh really? And what about the flat on Churchill Avenue, number forty-three?
Whats my flat got to do with secrets? Alice said, frowning.
Well, youre letting it and hiding the cash from John, arent you? Janet shot back, full Perry Mason.
Really, Alice, John said, finding his voice, Whered you get the flat? And why didnt you ever mention you were renting it out? I wouldnt mind knowing where the moneys going, either.
It belonged to Aunt Mildredmy mums cousin. Not that I ever quite figured out the family web. Aunt Mildred passed nearly three years ago, John, I told you at the time. You said, and I quote, finally no more treks to see that old bat. When I asked you to help organise the funeral, you replied you were swamped at the office and couldnt take a day off.
Why did she leave the flat to you? Janet asked, narrowing her eyes.
I imagine because I was the only one who bothered to visit her, Alice replied, deadpan.
And why didnt John hear about this little windfall? Janet pressed on, unwavering.
Well, whats it got to do with John? Its my inheritance, Janet.
How can you say that? Janet burst out. Hes your husband!
And?
Dont play thick, Alice! Any money from the flat should go into the family pot, not all to you, missy! Janet huffed.
Thats where youre wrong. By law, and by common decency, its mine to do with as I see fit. Its my inheritanceand that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of story, Alice responded, calm as a Sunday crossword.
Hang on, Alice, John butted in, Last year when I needed to fix the car, I blew a fortunetwo of my Christmas bonuses. You had this stash and kept schtum? Bit off, isnt it?
John, its your car. You drive it. When I ask for a lift, youre too busy or its out of your way and tell me to get an Uber, Alice retorted. Last year, you gave me a lift three times: once to the supermarket before Christmas, once after work because you forgot your keys, and once to A&E when I sprained my ankle.
So why on earth would I pay to fix a car I dont use? she finished, lifting an eyebrow.
And how much have you squirreled away, then? Janet sniffed. A pretty penny, Ill bet.
A bit, but Im not rolling in it. John, do you remember youve got two daughters at university? When did you last send them any money? Alice asked pointedly.
They work part-time, dont they? John shrugged.
They do, but if they had to pay all their own bills, theyd never finish their degrees.
So why didnt you just tell me about the inheritance? John sulked.
Well, because I had no desire for this little inquisition, two and a half years ago or now. And alsoyour mums own history comes to mind. Remember how you two convinced your younger brothers wife to flog her little flat to buy a holiday cottage?
Whats she on about? Janet fumed.
Oh, come off it! For a year, you pecked away at Sarah: Just sell your pokey flatwell buy a cottage, spend our summers al fresco! Well, you sold the flat and put the cottage in your name, Janet! Now Sarah cant so much as turn up there without your written permissionlet alone invite friends for a barbecue! But shes still in charge of hoeing your vegetable patch. Thanks, but no thanks!
Selfish, thats what you are, Alice! Janet roared.
I learnt from the best, Janet, Alice replied without a hint of apology.
John, did you hear that? Your wifes giving me lip!
Well, I do think shes got a point, Mum. The minute you found out about Alices inheritance, you ran over. Why was that?
Why do you think? To tell John, of course!
And now you know. So what next?
We want all income going to the family. Thats only fair! Janet declared, chin raised.
Thats what happens anywayon things I believe matter. Not Johns car repairs and not your cottage renovations! Alice replied.
We could talk about how best to use it, as a family, muttered Janet.
Do you really think I need help managing my own savings at forty-six? Alice pushed back.
Its not all about you! Janet squeaked.
Oh, isnt it? Alice quipped. Thats exactly why I kept it quietfor my own sake and for the girls futures.
And what about me, Alice? Am I not family?
Janet, when I say family, I mean John, the girls, and me. Everyone else isfamily in the looser senserelatives!
In the end, Janet never did get a penny from Alice, no matter how she tried to scheme her fair share. Ingenious as her plots were, Alice didnt budge. As they say, sometimes you come up against the immovable objectand its in your own living room.
