The Syndrome of A Life Forever Postponed
Recollections of a 60-Year-Old Woman
Margaret:
This year I turned sixty. Not one family member phoned to wish me happy birthday, let alone mark the occasion of my milestone.
I have a daughter and a son, a grandson and a granddaughter, and an ex-husband still somewhere out there. My daughter is forty, my son thirty-five.
Both live in London, having graduated from reputable universities in the city. Bright, accomplished, the pair of them. My daughter married a senior civil servant, my son wed the daughter of a well-known London businessman. They both enjoy thriving careers, own several properties, and each runs a small business on top of their official work. All is steady in their lives.
My former husband disappeared as soon as our son finished university, claiming he was weary of our frantic existence. Odd, as he quietly held a single post, spent weekends socialising or lounging at home, and took month-long holidays visiting relatives in Devon. MeI never took time off. I held three jobs at once: as an engineer at the factory, cleaning for management there, and, come weekends, packaging goods at the local supermarket from eight to eight, plus tidying offices and storerooms.
Every penny I earned went to the childrenLondons no cheap city, and study at esteemed institutions calls for decent attire, proper meals, and some enjoyable outings. I learnt to mend old clothes, sometimes refashioning them, and to patch up worn shoes. Presented myself clean and neat, which was enough. The only pleasure I afforded myself was dreams: occasionally, in sleep, I saw myself young, joyful, laughing.
No sooner had my husband left than he bought himself a flash new carobviously, he’d saved a tidy sum. Odd days those were: all the expenses fell to me, except the rent, which he coveredthat was his sole contribution. I saw the children through university
We lived in a flat passed down from my grandmothera sturdy, well-kept period home with high ceilings. Two rooms converted into three. There was a storeroom of eight square metres with a window; I renovated it so it comfortably held a bed, desk, wardrobe, shelves. My daughter claimed that space. My son and I shared a roomthough I was only there to sleep, coming home late every night. The husband took the lounge. When my daughter moved to London, I took over the storeroom. My son remained in the bedroom.
We parted from my husband quietlyno shouting, no wrangling over possessions, no blame thrown. He wanted to LIVE, not merely exist; I was so worn out, I rather sighed with relief. No longer did I need to prepare three courses and pudding and tea; no laundry, no ironing, no folding and hanging up, just time I could use to rest.
By then, Id collected a host of ailments: my back, my joints, diabetes, my thyroid, utter nervous exhaustion. For the first time, I took holiday from my main job and focused on getting betterthough I didnt quit my extra work. Eventually, I recovered a bit.
Hired a skilled tradesman who, with his mate, swiftly renovated my bathroom in two weeks. It was blissa happiness just for me! Personal happiness!
All those years, I sent my successful children money rather than gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Days and Fathers Days. Later, for my grandchildren too. So, quitting my side jobs wasnt feasible. I left nothing for myself. They seldom wished me well on holidaysusually only in reply to my own greetings. No presents came my way.
What hurt most: neither my son nor my daughter invited me to their weddings. My daughter admitted, Mum, you wouldnt fit in. Itll be civil service folk, people from the Prime Ministers office I only heard of my sons wedding from my daughter after the fact. At least no one asked me for money for the events.
None of my children visit, despite my constant invitations. My daughter remarked theres nothing for her in our backwaternever mind that our provincial city boasts a million souls. My son always says, Mum, I just havent got the time! Flights to London are seven times a daytwo hours, straight shot!
How would I describe that stretch of my life? A time of suppressed emotions, perhaps. I lived like Scarlett OHaraIll think about that tomorrow Stifling tears and pain, dulling everything from confusion to despair. I moved through life almost robotic, programmed to work.
Then, the factory was bought out by Londoners, and reorganisation began. Those nearing retirement were let go; I lost two jobs at once, but could take early retirement because of the layoff. My pension was £700 a month Try surviving on that.
By sheer luck, a cleaning job opened up in our blocka four entrance, five-storey affair. Began cleaning the hallsanother £700 each month. Kept my supermarket job at weekends, the pay good£110 per shift. Hardest part was being on my feet all day.
Started slowly doing up my kitchenmanaged it myself, had the neighbour install the cabinets. He was quick and reasonable. Began saving again, hoping to freshen up the rooms, maybe swap some furniture. I had plans though, notably, none involving myself! What did I spend on me? Simple food, never indulged, just the basics. Medicinesspent a lot there. Rent climbed ever higher every year. The ex-husband said, Sell your three-room flatthe areas desirable, you’d get a solid price. Buy yourself a single.
But I couldnt bear to. It’s my grandmothers legacyshe raised me after my parents died, and that flat is so dear, holding all the memories of my life.
I kept an amicable friendship with my exa cordial chat now and then. Hes fine. Never speaks of love or his private life. Monthly, he pops round, brings groceries: potatoes, veg, grains, bottled waterthe heavy stuff. Wont take money. Says delivery services will only send rotten goods. I agree.
Inside me, something is frozena tight knot. I just keep on, working and living. Hope for nothing, want nothing for myself. I glimpse my daughter and grandchildren only in her social media. My sons life flashes up in his wifes posts. Im glad they thrive, that theyre well, enjoying trips and fine restaurants.
Perhaps, I didnt give them enough love. Maybe thats why they havent any for me. My daughter sometimes asks how I amI always say Im fine, never complain. My son sends the odd voice message: Hi Mum, hope all’s well.
Once, long ago, my son told me he didnt want to hear about problems with his fatherit brought him down. So, I stopped sharing anything, sticking to, Yes son, alls well.
I sorely wish to hug my grandchildren, but I suspect they dont know their grandmothers still alivea retired cleaner. Chances are, as far as the family legend goes, their granny passed long ago
I cant remember buying anything just for myselfmaybe the occasional underthings or socks, always the cheapest. Havent been to a salon, never for a manicure or pedicure. Once a month, I pop into the barber next door for a trim, dye my own hair. The one blessingmy dress size hasnt changed since youth, so my wardrobe needs no refreshing.
Im terribly afraid, though, that one morning I wont be able to get out of bedthe constant back pain torments me. Terror of being immobilised is always there.
Maybe I ought not to have lived sono rest, no small joys, just endless work, always pushing everything off until later. But where is later? Its gone Inside, an emptiness fills my soul, indifference in my heart and all around me, just silence.
I dont blame anyone. Nor can I reproach myself. I worked all my life, and I still do, setting aside a small nest egg in case I cant continue. It’s not much, but something. Yet, to be honest, if I end up bedridden, I wont want to go on I dont wish to burden anyone.
Do you know the saddest thing? Not once in my whole life has anyone given me flowers. Not ever. Imagine the comedyif someone should lay fresh blooms on my grave honestly, it would be enough to make a dead woman laugh.












