I retired, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness settled in. Only now, in my older years, do I truly realise how poorly Ive lived my life.
Many women seem to believe that loneliness is a terrible fate. They think happiness is having a large family, endless problems, and countless worries. I could never agree with that idea. I spent my whole life putting myself first. No one ever demanded anything of me. I never had any real commitmentsno family obligations, nothing to tie me down.
After university, I landed a position with a major travel agency based in London, organising holidays abroad for clients all over the world. For a time, I also worked as a model for a well-known English fashion company. I managed to earn a decent living, quite a bit more than most, to be honest. I was surrounded by friends who were just as successful and well-off as I was.
I always thought of myself as a wealthy woman. I travelled across every continent, saw places most could only dream of. There were men in my life, men with whom I enjoyed myself now and again, but I always let them go when I grew bored. Throughout my life, the thought of having children never crossed my mind for long. Why would I spend my precious free time on that? Why become one of those mothers always fretting over the smallest thing? Quite frankly, the responsibility frightened me.
The years seemed to fly by, and now here I am: a retired woman, utterly alone. I never married, never had children. Now, at this stage, I regret not having at least one child. In the beginning, I simply didnt want to, never felt the urge. Then I was too busy, and before I knew it, it was simply too late. I never saw motherhood as the key to a womans happiness.
Now, I look at my sister in Oxford. She has two children and three grandchildren. Back in the day, I was so dismissive and never listened to anyone. Now, I desperately want to make things right: to reconnect with my relatives, to spend time with my nieces and nephews. I even find myself wishing I could meet a man, perhaps someone just as alone as I am, and finally create the family I never had. Maybe its not too late for me to find some measure of happiness after all.
