No Lessons Given A Letter Arrives for Alex as a Photo of Gridded Paper: Blue Ink, Careful Slant, Signed “Your Granddad, Colin.” Next to It, a Brief Message from Mum: “He Writes Like This Now. No Pressure to Reply If You Don’t Want To.” Alex Zooms In on the Lines, Reads: “Hi, Alex, Writing from the kitchen. I’ve got a new friend here—a blood sugar monitor. It scolds me in the morning if I eat too much toast. Doctor says I ought to get out more, but where am I going to walk when everyone’s at the cemetery and you’re off in Manchester? So, I’m left with strolling down memory lane. Today, for example, I remembered ‘79, when we unloaded crates at the station. Barely any pay, but we’d nab a couple of boxes of apples—wooden boxes with weird handles on the side. The apples were sour and green, but it still felt like a feast. We’d sit on bags of cement right there, hands grey, nails gritty, teeth crunching on sand—and it still tasted sweet. No reason for all this. Just came to mind. Don’t worry, I’m not about to dish out any wisdom. You’ve your own life; I’ve got my blood work. If you fancy, tell me what the weather’s like and how uni’s going. Your Granddad, Colin.” Alex Smiles: “Blood sugar monitor, blood work.” Messenger note below: “Sent an hour ago.” He’s already tried calling Mum; she didn’t answer. So, “this is how it is now.” He scrolls through the chat. His last message from Granddad was a year ago: short voice notes with “Happy birthday,” and one “How’s uni?” Alex replied with a thumbs up and disappeared. Now, Alex stares at the gridded page. He opens the reply window. “Hi Granddad— Weather in Manchester is 3 degrees and raining. Exam season soon. Apples now are £2 a kilo. Not great for apples here. Alex.” He thinks, deletes “Alex,” writes just “Grandson Alex.” And sends it. A few days later, Mum sends a fresh photo. “Hi Alex, Read your letter three times. Here’s a proper reply. Weather: much the same as yours, but none of your fancy puddles. We get snow in the morning, then slush, then ice by evening. Nearly slipped twice, but evidently I’m not due yet. Since we’re on apples—let me tell you about my first real job. I was twenty, got into a workshop making lift parts. Always loud, full of dust. Had these grey overalls you could never quite get the filth out of. Fingers always splintered, nails oily. But I was proud to have a badge and stroll through the main gate like a grown-up. The best part wasn’t the pay, it was lunch. Thick bowls of soup in the canteen. If you came early, an extra bit of bread. We’d all sit together, not talking—not because there was nothing to say, just because we were knackered. The spoon felt heavier than a wrench. Now you’re probably sat at your laptop thinking this sounds like the Stone Age. Looking back, I wonder: was I happy? Or just too busy to notice? What are you up to, besides your studies? Working anywhere? Or do you lot just invent start-ups these days? Granddad Colin.” Alex reads it while queueing for a kebab. Around him, people shout, argue; adverts blare from the counter speaker. He finds himself lingering on the soup and heavy bowls. He types back, leaning on the counter. “Hi Granddad, I work as a takeaway courier—mostly food, sometimes documents. No badge, just an app that’s always crashing. I eat at work sometimes—buy the cheapest, eat in a stairwell or a mate’s car. Quietly, too. Happy? Don’t know. Don’t have time to wonder. But canteen soup doesn’t sound bad. Grandson Alex.” He almost writes about start-ups but doesn’t. Lets Granddad imagine. The next letter is unexpectedly short. “Hi Alex. Courier—that’s something. Now I picture you not as a lad behind a screen but running about in trainers, always on the go. You told me about work—so here’s mine from back when I temped on building sites, between workshop shifts when the money ran out. We carried bricks up five floors on rickety ladders. Dust everywhere—nose, eyes, ears. At night, I’d come home, pull off my boots, and sand would fall out. Your grandmother would moan about the lino getting wrecked. Strangest thing I remember isn’t the exhaustion—it’s this one guy, everyone called him Stan. He’d show up early, sit on an upturned bucket, peeling potatoes into an old pan he brought from home. At lunch, he’d cook them, and the whole floor would smell of boiled spuds. We’d eat with our hands, sprinkle salt out of a paper twist. Never tasted better. Now I look at my shop-bought potatoes and think it’s not the same. Maybe it’s not the potatoes—it’s being young. What do you eat when you’re knackered—not a delivery, something “proper?” Granddad Colin.” Alex doesn’t reply straight away. He thinks about what “proper” means. He remembers the winter before, finishing a 12-hour shift, buying frozen pasties from the 24-hour shop, boiling them in the hall kitchen in a battered pot where someone had cooked sausages before. The pasties fell apart, water cloudy, but he ate the lot, standing by the window, no table. Two days later, he writes. “Hi Granddad, When I’m tired, usually eggs—two or three, sometimes with sausage. The frying pan’s past it, but still works. No Stan here in halls, but one housemate’s always burning things and swearing. You write a lot about food. Were you hungry then—or now? Grandson Alex.” He immediately regrets the last bit. It sounds harsh. Too late to change it. The reply comes quicker than usual. “Alex— Good question, about being hungry. Back then, I was young and always wanted to eat. Not just soup and potatoes—I wanted a motorbike, new shoes, my own room, so I didn’t have to hear Dad cough all night. Wanted respect, to walk into a shop and not count pennies, to have girls notice instead of pass by. Now I eat fine. Doctor moans, probably too much. I write about food, I suppose, because it’s something you can touch and remember. Taste is easier to describe than shame. Since you asked, here’s one story—no moral, as you prefer. I was 23 then, already seeing your would-be gran, but it was rocky. They needed someone to go to the Scottish Highlands—good pay, you could save up for a car in a couple of years. I was keen. Dreamed of coming back with a Ford Escort, driving her round the town. But then, she said she wouldn’t go—not leaving her ill mum, her job, her friends. Said she couldn’t hack the cold and dark. I answered that she was holding me back. Said—well, ruder than that, but you get the idea. So I went alone. In six months, we stopped writing. Came back two years later—cash, car—but she’d married someone else. I spent ages telling everyone she’d betrayed me—I did it for her, and she… Truth is, I chose the money and the car over the person. And then pretended for years it was the only choice. That was my appetite. You asked what I felt. At the time—self-important, certain I was right. Afterward—years making out I didn’t feel a thing. You don’t have to reply, I get you’ve no time for old men’s stories. Granddad Colin.” Alex rereads, snagging on the word “shame.” He finds himself searching for an excuse in between the lines, but Granddad isn’t offering one. He starts typing: “Do you regret it?” Deletes it. Writes: “What if you’d stayed?” Deletes that too. Eventually, he sends a different message. “Hi Granddad, Thanks for saying all that. Not sure what to say. In the family, everyone talks about Gran as if she was always gran—no alternatives. I don’t blame you. I recently chose work over someone myself. Had a girlfriend. I’d just started as a courier, was getting good shifts, always working. She’d say we never saw each other, I was always on my phone, I snapped at her. I said, just be patient, it’ll get easier soon. One day she said she was done waiting. I told her that was her problem. (Also ruder than that.) Now, when I get in at eleven and make myself an omelette in halls, I sometimes think I picked shifts and takeaways over a relationship. And pretend it was right. Maybe it runs in the family. Alex.” This time, Granddad’s letter is on lined, not squared, paper. Mum explains via voice note that he’s run out of grid notebooks. “Alex, You’re spot on about ‘family traits.’ We all love blaming bloodlines: ‘drinks—because granddad drank. Shouts—because gran was strict.’ Actually, every time it’s your own decision. Just easier, sometimes, to tell yourself it’s inherited. When I got back from Scotland, I thought it was a fresh start. Car, room in halls, cash in my pocket. But at night I’d sit on the bed with nowhere to go—friends moved away, the workshop had a new foreman, only dust and an old radio waiting for me at home. Once, I went to the street where your almost-gran lived. Stood across the road, stared at the windows. One was lit, the other dark. I stood there until I was frozen. Eventually I saw her come out with a pram. A bloke next to her, holding her arm, talking, both laughing. I hid behind a tree like a schoolboy, watched until they turned the corner. That’s when I realised, at last—no one betrayed me. I chose my way, she chose hers. Took me ten years to admit it. You say you picked work over a girlfriend. Maybe you picked yourself, not the job. Maybe digging yourself out of debt matters more than going to the cinema right now. Not good, not bad. Just true. Funniest thing is, we’re rubbish at saying honestly, ‘right now, this is more important than you.’ Start using big words, and everyone gets upset. Not telling you to chase her back—I don’t even know if you should. Just—one day you might find yourself standing outside a window and realise you could’ve just been more honest. Your old granddad, Colin.” Alex sits on the halls’ corridor windowsill, phone warm in his hand. Below, cars stream through puddles, someone’s smoking by the door. Next room: music thumping. He remembers himself outside his ex’s window after she stopped answering calls, staring at the curtains, thinking: any moment, she’ll look out and see me. She never did. He types: “Hi Granddad, I stood outside a window too. Hid when I saw her with another guy. Backpack on his shoulder, her with shopping. Laughing. I thought I’d been erased. Now, reading your letters, maybe I walked out myself. You said it took you ten years. I hope I’m faster. I’m not going to chase her. I think I’m just going to stop pretending I don’t care. Grandson Alex.” Next letter is on a new topic. “Alex, You once asked about money. I didn’t reply because I’m not sure where to start. Here goes. In our house, money was like the weather. Only mentioned when there wasn’t enough—or way too much. When your dad was little, he once asked how much I made. I’d taken extra shifts, earned more than usual. I told him the number. He looked amazed: ‘Blimey, you’re rich!’ I laughed, said it was nothing. A couple of years later, I got laid off. Wages were half. He asked again. I told him, and he asked, ‘Why so little? Are you worse at your job?’ I snapped at him, shouted he didn’t understand, called him ungrateful. But all he wanted was to make sense of the numbers. For years after, I thought about that moment. That’s exactly when I taught him not to ask me about money. He grew up never asking—just picked up odd jobs, fixed things. I kept thinking he’d know how tough it was. I don’t want to repeat that mistake. So, straight up—my pension’s not big but covers food and my prescriptions. I won’t be saving for a car any more—these days just saving for new false teeth. How about you? Getting by? I’m not going to start buying you socks, just want to know you aren’t skipping meals or sleeping on the floor. If you’d rather not answer, just write ‘all good,’ I’ll get it. Granddad Colin.” Alex feels something tighten inside. He remembers asking his own dad about pay as a kid, hearing jokes or ‘you’ll find out someday.’ He grew up thinking money’s a shameful thing you can’t talk about. He takes his time, then writes: “Hi Granddad, I’m not skipping meals, not sleeping on the floor. I’ve got a bed—mattress isn’t fancy, but fine. Pay for my own halls room, agreement with Dad. Sometimes I’m late with it, but no one’s thrown me out. Enough for food, if I don’t go crazy. If it gets tight, I pick up an extra shift—even if I end up like a zombie. But my choice. Feel awkward that you ask about money but I don’t ask you. Like: ‘are you doing okay, Granddad?’ But you’ve already told me. Honestly, it’d be easier if you just said, ‘I’m fine’ and left it at that. But I get it—that’s how I’m used to grown-ups staying silent. Thanks for telling me straight. Alex.” He stares at his phone, then types a follow-up: “If ever you want something and your pension doesn’t stretch, just say. Not saying I’ll always manage, but I’d want to know at least.” And sends it before he chickens out. Granddad’s reply is the most unsteady—letters wobble, lines slide off. “Alex, Read your note about ‘if you need something.’ First wanted to say I don’t need anything, I’ve got what I need, old man, just give me my pills. Then wanted to joke—if I really want something, I’ll ask for a new motorbike. But truth is—my whole life I tried to be the tough bloke who could handle everything. Now I’m an old codger scared to ask his grandson for anything. So I’ll say this: if I’m ever really stuck, I’ll try not to pretend it’s nothing. Right now, I’ve got tea, bread, my pills and your letters. Not being dramatic—just making a list. Used to think we were chalk and cheese—you with your apps, me with my radio. Now, reading you, I reckon we’ve more in common than I thought. Neither of us likes asking. Both pretend not to care—when actually we do. While we’re being honest—here’s something we don’t talk about in families. Not sure what you’ll make of it. When your dad was born, I wasn’t ready. I just started a new job, we’d got a room in halls, I thought we’d cracked it. Then a baby—screaming, nappies, sleepless nights. I’d finish night shifts, and he’d just cry. I got angry. One time, when he wouldn’t stop, I hurled the bottle at the wall. It smashed, milk everywhere. Your gran sobbed, baby wailed. I stood there, wanting to walk out and not come back. I didn’t. But for years I pretended it was just ‘nerves.’ Actually, that was the moment I nearly ran. And if I had, you wouldn’t be reading these letters now. I don’t know why I’m telling you. Maybe so you know your granddad’s not perfect. Not a role model, just a bloke who sometimes wanted to chuck it in. If you stop writing after this, I’ll understand. Granddad Colin.” Alex reads, feeling flushed and chilled by turns. The idea of Granddad always as a blanket and clementines at Christmas is now joined by tired man, halls, a crying baby, split milk on the floor. He remembers last summer, working at a kids’ camp, losing patience, grabbing a boy by the shoulder too hard. The boy cried. Alex lay awake, convinced he’d make an awful dad. He sits for ages over a blank message. Fingers type: “You’re not a monster.” Deletes. “I love you anyway.” Deletes, embarrassed. He sends: “Hi Granddad, I won’t stop writing. I don’t know what to say to things like that. In our family, no one talks about shouting, or feeling like walking. We all either clam up or joke. Last summer, at camp—a boy was homesick, always crying. One day, I lost it and yelled so loud I scared myself. Couldn’t sleep all night, felt like a terrible person—like I shouldn’t have kids. But you telling me doesn’t make you worse. Makes you more real. I don’t know if I’ll ever be that honest with my child, if I have one, but I’ll at least try not to pretend I’m always right. Thanks for not walking out back then. Alex.” He hits send and, for the first time, finds himself waiting for a reply—not out of manners, but because it matters. This time, the reply comes after two days. Mum doesn’t send a photo, just: “He’s figured out voice notes but asked me to write it down for you. Don’t worry.” A new shot of lined paper appears on screen. “Alex, Read your letter and thought—you’re already braver than I was at your age. At least you admit you’re scared. Back then I pretended nothing touched me—then smashed furniture instead. I don’t know if you’ll be a good dad. Neither do you. Only way to find out is by doing it. But the fact you even wonder says a lot. You said I feel ‘real’ to you. That’s the best compliment I’ve heard. Usually, I get ‘stubborn,’ ‘awkward,’ ‘set in my ways.’ No one’s called me ‘real’ in a long time. Since we’re getting this honest, I wanted to ask—are you sick of my stories? Just tell me if I’m overdoing it; I can write less, or save it for Christmas. I’d hate to smother you with my past. And if you ever want to come by, no reason needed, I’ll be at home. I’ve got a spare stool and a clean mug. Checked it myself. Your Granddad Colin.” Alex smiles at the bit about the mug. Pictures the kitchen: stool, blood sugar monitor, bag of potatoes by the radiator. He snaps a photo of his own halls kitchen. Sink full of dishes, his battered frying pan, carton of eggs, a kettle, two mugs—one chipped. A jar of forks on the windowsill. He sends it, adds: “Hi Granddad, My kitchen. Two stools, plenty of mugs. If you ever fancy coming round, I’ll be in. Well, in something like home. You haven’t worn me out. Sometimes I’m lost for words, but it doesn’t mean I’m not here. If you want, tell me a story—not about work or meals. Something you’ve never told anyone, not because it’s embarrassing, just because you never had someone to tell. A.” He hits send and realises he’s asked a question he’s never asked an adult in his family. Phone on the desk, screen dark. The eggs sizzle gently on the hob. Somewhere behind the wall, people laugh. Alex flips the eggs, turns off the gas, sits on his stool, imagining someday Granddad opposite him, holding a mug, telling stories in person. He doesn’t know if Granddad will visit, or what comes next. But knowing he can send a photo of his messy kitchen and ask, “And you?” makes his chest ache, in a slightly comforting way. He picks up his phone, checks the messages—squared paper, lined, his own short “A.” And puts it face down, just in case a new notification pops up. The eggs are cold, but he eats them all, slowly, as if sharing with someone else. The words “I love you” never appear in writing. But between the lines, something’s already there, and—for now—that’s more than enough.

Author Mitsuko NagasakiReading 22 minViews 2

No Need for Advice

Alex received a message in his chat appa photograph of lined notebook paper. Blue ink, neat handwriting, signed at the bottom: Your Grandad, Colin. Next to it, a quick note from Mum: He writes like this now. If you dont want to reply, you dont have to.

Alex tapped on the photo, zooming in to make out the lines.

Hello, Alex,

Writing to you from my kitchen. Ive got a new companion herea blood sugar monitor. It grumbles at me in the mornings if I eat too much toast. The doctor says I should walk more, but where am I to go for a walk? All my mates are long gone and under the ground, and youre off in your fancy London. So Ive decided to take walks in my memory instead.

Today, for example, I remembered in 79 when we lads were unloading train carriages at the station. The pay was peanuts, but there was always the chance to nab a crate or two of apples. Proper wooden boxes with iron handles on the sides. The apples were sour and greennot exactly a treatbut it felt like one. Wed eat them right there on the embankment, sitting atop sacks of cement. Hands grey, nails black with dust, teeth crunching on grit. Still tasted brilliant.

Why am I telling you this? No real reason; it just sprang to mind. Dont think Im trying to teach you how to live your life. Youve yours, Ive got my blood tests.

If you fancy, let me know what the weathers like your end, and how your exams are going.

Your Grandad, Colin.

Alex smirked. Blood sugar monitor, blood tests. The messenger noted: Sent an hour ago. Hed already rung Mum, but she hadnt picked up. So, writes like this now, really did seem to sum it up.

He scrolled up through the chat. The last few messages from Grandad were from over a year ago: brief voice notesbirthday wishes, a quick Hows uni going? Alex had replied with an emoji, then disappeared.

Now, he stared at the photo of the lined paper for a good while, then opened the reply box.

Hi Grandad. Weather here: three degrees and soggy. Exams are coming up. Apples are about £2.50 a kilo nowa bit of a grim situation for apples.

Alex.

He hesitated, deleted Alex, wrote Your grandson, Alex, and hit send.

A few days later, Mum forwarded another photo.

Dear Alex,

Got your reply and read it three times. Decided to write a proper answer. Weathers much the same here as yours, minus your trendy London puddles. Snow in the morning, water by noon, ice by evening. Nearly landed on my backside a couple of times, but looks like its not my time yet.

Since you mentioned apples, Ill tell you about my first proper job. I was twenty, just started at the factory. We made parts for lifts. Noisy as anything, always banging and whirring, air thick with dust. My overalls were so grey theyd never come clean no matter how hard you scrubbed. Fingers full of nicks, nails black with oil. But I was proud I had an employee pass and could go in through the main gate like a grown-up.

The best part wasnt the pay, it was lunch. In the canteen, the lady would slop borscht into these heavy bowls, and if you turned up early youd get an extra slice of bread. The lot of us would sit at one table, eating quietly. Not for lack of things to sayjust too knackered. The spoon weighed more than a spanner in your hand.

Youre probably sat at your laptop now thinking this is all ancient history. And yet, I look back and wonder: was I happy, or just too busy to think otherwise?

What else do you get up to beyond your exams? Are you working anywhere? Or is it all start-up schemes with your lot these days?

Grandad Colin.

Alex read this as he queued up for a kebab. Someone was shouting, someone else arguing, while a tinny advert blared out across the shop. He found himself re-reading the bit about the canteen and the heavy bowls of soup.

He typed his answer there and then, leaning against the counter.

Hi Grandad,

I do some delivery work. Food mostly, sometimes documents. No staff pass, just an app thats always crashing. But I eat at work sometimes too. Not stealing, just dont have time to get home. Pick up something cheap, eat it standing in a stairwell or in a mates car. Quiet, too.

About happinessdont know really. Never have time to think about it.

But borscht at the canteen sounds good.

Your grandson, Alex.

Hed nearly written about startups, but decided it was too much to explain. Let Grandad imagine what he liked.

The next letter was surprisingly short.

Hello Alex,

Courierthats serious stuff. I see you now, not as a lad hunched over a computer, but in trainers, always on the go.

Since you told me about work, Ill tell you about when I did building jobsbetween shifts at the factory, when the money wasnt enough. Wed carry bricks up five floors on wooden ladders. Dust crept up your nose, in your ears, everywhere. Id come home, take off my boots, and tip out half the site onto the lino. Your grandmother would moan about me wrecking her floor.

Strange how I dont remember the tiredness, but this detail: there was a bloke on the site, everyone called him Stewie. Hed arrive before all of us, sit on an upside-down bucket, and peel potatoes with his penknife. He put them in a battered old saucepan from home. At lunch, hed cook them, and the smell of boiled potatoes filled the whole floor. Wed grab them with our hands, sprinkle salt from a paper pouch. Never eaten anything tastier.

I look at my shop-bought potatoes now and think maybe its not the potatoes that have changedjust the years.

What do you eat when youre really done in? Not take-away, I mean real food.

Grandad Colin.

Alex didnt reply straight away. He mulled over what to say about real food. Last winter, after a twelve-hour shift, hed bought a bag of frozen dumplings at the all-night Tesco Express, cooked them in the rotten old student kitchensomeone else had boiled sausages in the pan before him. The dumplings fell apart, water went cloudy, but he ate it all, standing by the window because there was no table.

Two days later, he wrote back.

Hi Grandad,

When Im knackered, I usually have egg on toasta couple, sometimes with a bit of sausage. Our frying pans a horror to look at, but it gets the job done. No Stewie in our halls, but theres a housemate who always burns things and shouts absolute filth.

You write about food a lot. Were you always hungry back then, or is it now?

Your grandson, Alex.

He regretted the last sentence as soon as he sent it. It seemed too blunt. But it was too late to take it back.

Grandads answer came quicker this time.

Alex,

You ask a good question about hunger. Back then, I was young and always hungrynot just for soup or potatoes. I wanted a motorbike, new shoes, a room of my own where I wouldnt have to listen to my dads coughing all night. I wanted respect. Wanted to walk into a shop and not count loose change. Wanted the girls to notice me.

Now I eat alrightdoctor says a little too well, even. I suppose I write about food because its something you can touch and remember. Its easier to describe the taste of soup than the taste of shame.

Since you asked, Ill tell you a story. No moralsjust a story.

I was twenty-three. Already seeing your future grandmother, but it was all a bit shaky. At work, they needed someone for a team going up northScotland, where they paid well. A couple years and you could save for a car. I got all fired updreamed Id come back, buy a Cortina and drive her all over town.

But there was a catch. Your grandmother said she wouldnt go. Her mum was ill here, she had her job, friends. Said she couldnt handle the cold and the dark up there. I told her she was holding me back. If she loved me, shed support me. I put it much more harshly than that, but lets leave it at that.

So I went alone. Six months later, we stopped writing. I came back two years after, money in hand, with my car. Shed married someone else. For ages, I made out she betrayed mewent around telling everyone how I did it for her and she ditched me.

Truth is, I picked the money and the car over the person. And I spent years pretending it was the only choice I couldve made.

So, that was my appetite.

You asked what I felt, I guessat the time, I felt hugely important and right. Later, I spent years pretending I didnt feel anything at all.

If you dont want to reply, thats fine. I know all this is a bit much for you lot.

Grandad Colin.

Alex read and reread it. The word shame hooked into him. He found himself scanning between the lines for some kind of excuse, but Grandad offered none.

He typed out Do you regret it? Deleted it. What if you had stayed? Deleted that too. In the end, he sent something entirely different.

Hi Grandad,

Thanks for telling me that. I dont know what to say really. People in our family talk about Gran as if she was always just Gran, like there werent any other versions.

Im not judging you. Ive recently chosen work over someone myself. I had a girlfriend. That was just when I started my courier job and I was finally getting good shifts. I put in every hour I could. She said we never saw each other, that I was always exhausted and on edge. I told her wed just have to put up with it for a while, things would get better soon.

She said she was tired of waiting. I said that was her problem. Wasnt too gentle myself, either.

Now, when I come back to the halls at eleven, heating up my eggs, I sometimes think I picked shifts and cash over a person. And I pretend it was right.

Maybe it runs in the family.

Alex.

This time the letter from Grandad arrived not on lined paper, but on ruled. Mum left him a voice note: hed run out of notebook.

Alex,

Runs in the family, you say. We do love blaming relativesdrinking because Grandad drank, shouting because Gran was strict. Truth is, every time, you still pick for yourself. Sometimes its easier to pretend its in your blood than to admit youre scared.

When I got back from Scotland, I thought it was a new lifemy car, a room in the hostel, money in my pocket. In the evenings, Id sit on my bed and have no idea what to do with myself. Friends had moved on, new boss at work, back home there was just dust and an old radio.

One time I drove out to the street where your not-to-be-Gran lived. Stood across the road, watching the windowsone lit up, the other dark. I stood until I was shivering. At one point, I saw her come out with a pram. There was a bloke with her, held her arm. They were chatting, laughing. I hid behind a tree like a teenager until they went around the corner.

It was then I realised, no one betrayed me. I just chose my path, and she chose hers. Took me another ten years to admit that.

You say you picked work over your girlfriend. Maybe you picked yourself for a whilemaybe being out of debt is what you need right now. It isnt good or bad; it just is.

Whats hardest: we dont know how to say Right now, this matters more to me than you. So we dress it up and everyone ends up hurt.

Im not telling you to go run after her. I dont know if its right. But maybe, one day, youll stand under someones window and realise you couldve been straighter with yourself and them.

Your old grandad, Colin.

Alex sat on the windowsill in the corridor of the halls. His phone warmed his palm. Outside, cars splashed through puddles, someone smoked by the steps. In the next room, heavy bass thumped.

He thought a long time about what to say. He remembered standing under his exs window once, after she stopped answering his calls, looking at her curtains, the light inside. Thinking she might pull them back and spot him. She never did.

He wrote:

Hi Grandad,

Ive stood outside a window too. Hid when she came out with some blokehe had a rucksack, she carried shopping. They were laughing. I thought they’d crossed me out of their lives. But after reading your letter, maybe Im the one who left.

You said you realised after ten years. I hope I figure it out faster.

I wont go running after her. Ill just stop pretending I dont care.

Your grandson, Alex.

The next letter was about something else.

Alex,

You asked about money once. Never answered because I wasnt sure where to begin. Ill try now.

In our family, money was like the weatherwe only talked about it when it was either dreadful or surprisingly good. When your Dad was little, he once asked what I earned. Id just done some extra work, so it sounded a fortune. His eyes went wideWow, youre rich. I laughed it off, said it was nothing.

A couple of years later I got made redundant, and the wage was halved. When he asked again, I told him the new number, and he said, How come its so much less? Did you get worse at work? I snapped at him, told him he didnt get it, called him ungrateful. Actually, he was just trying to make sense of numbers.

For years Id think about that. I think, in that moment, I taught him to never ask me about money again. He grew up and never did. Just quietly worked jobs, carried boxes, fixed peoples things. I kept waiting for him to figure out, by magic, how hard it was for me.

I dont want to repeat that with you. So straight answer: my pensions small but covers food and the tablets I need. Wont buy me a car, but I dont want one. All Im saving for now are some new teeththe old ones are rubbish.

How are you managing? Dont worry, I wont start sending you fivers through the post. I just want to knoware you going hungry or sleeping on a bare floor?

If youd rather not say, just write Fine and Ill get it.

Grandad Colin.

A knot tightened in Alexs stomach. He remembered asking his own Dad about money as a child, always getting a joke or an impatient youll find out when youre older. Hed grown up thinking money was a shameful topic.

He stared at the screen for a long time before replying.

Hi Grandad,

Im not going hungry and I dont sleep on the floor. Ive a bed with a mattressnot the best, but good enough. I pay for my halls myself, made a deal with Dad. Sometimes the payments late, but Ive not been kicked out.

Enough for food, as long as I watch what Im spending. If things get tight, I just take extra shifts, but then I feel like a zombie. But its my choice.

I feel bad that youre the one asking and I never ask how you are. Something like: Grandad, are you ok for money? But youve already answered, really.

Truthfully, itd be easier if you just wrote Im fine and left it at that. But I get that Im just used to adults not telling us anything.

Thanks for being honest about money.

Alex.

He turned the phone in his hands for ages then sent a follow-up:

If you ever want to get something and your pension doesnt stretch, just let me know. I cant promise Ill be able to help, but Id like to at least know.

He hit send before he could overthink it.

Grandads reply was the shakiest of allletters slanting off, lines wandering.

Alex,

I read your message about if it isnt enough. At first, I wanted to say Im sortedthat Ive got all I need, that Im old and just need a steady supply of tea and pills. I nearly joked that if I really wanted, Id ask you for a new motorbike.

Truth is, all my life Ive tried to play the strong man, handle everything solo. Now Im just an old fella nervy about asking his grandson for the smallest thing.

So Ill say this: if ever theres something I genuinely cant do without and cant afford, Ill try not to pretend it doesnt matter. For now, Ive got tea, bread, my pills, and your letters. No dramathats just my list.

You know, I used to think we were worlds apartyou with your, what is it apps, me with my radio. Now I read your messages and I see how much weve got in common. We both hate asking for anything. We both act like nothing bothers us, even when it does.

As were being properly honest, theres something else, which nobody in the family mentions. Im not sure how youll feel.

When your Dad was born, I wasnt ready. Had just started a new job, wed got a room in a hostel, thought everything would finally be sorted. Thenbaby. Crying, nappies, sleepless nights. Id get home from night shifts and hed be wailing. I got angry. Once, when he wouldnt stop, I threw the bottle at the wall, smashed it. Milk everywhere. Your Gran cried, the baby screamed, I just stood there thinking I wanted to leave and never come back.

I didnt go. But for years I pretended it was just a bad moment. It was really the closest I came to running away. If Id gone, you wouldnt be reading this now.

Dont know why Im telling you. Maybe just so you know your grandads no hero or example. Im just a bloke who, at times, wanted to drop everything and disappear.

If you feel like not writing again after this, Id get it.

Grandad Colin.

Alex felt hot, then cold. The image hed formed of his grandadas warm as a tartan blanket and the smell of clementines at Christmassuddenly filled with sharper details. A knackered bloke in a hostel room, a baby screaming, milk soaking the floor.

He remembered last summer working at the kids camp, losing his temper with a boy who wouldnt stop whining. Grabbed his shoulder too hard; the lad burst into tears. Alex hadnt slept that night, convinced hed make a terrible dad.

He stared at the empty message box. His fingers typed: Youre not a monster. He deleted it. Typed: Love you all the same. Deleted, embarrassed by the word.

In the end, he sent:

Hi Grandad,

I wont stop writing to you. I dont really know how to answer stuff like that. In our family, we dont talk about those thingsanger, or wanting to leave. We either say nothing or make a joke.

Last summer, at camp, there was a lad who kept crying for home. I snapped at him once so badly I scared myself. Spent that night convinced I was a bad personshould never have kids.

What you wrote doesnt make me think less of you. It makes you real.

Dont know if Ill ever be able to be as honest with my own kid, if I have one. Maybe Ill just try not to pretend Im always right.

Thanks for not leaving back then.

Alex.

He hit send, and for the first time realised he was waiting for the replynot out of politeness, but because he wanted it.

The answer came two days later. Mum sent no photo this time, just a note: Hes got the hang of voice notes now, but asked not to scare you with them. I copied it up.

A new photo appeared: ruled paper.

Alex,

I read your letter and thoughtyoure already much braver than I was at your age. At least you admit when youre scared. Back then, I pretended everything was fine, then took it out on the furniture.

I dont know if youll be a good dad and neither do you. You only find out by living it. But the fact you even ask yourselfwell, it means a lot.

You said Im real to you. Thats the nicest thing Ive heard in years. People usually call me stubborn or set in my ways. No ones called me real in ages.

Since were at this point, I wanted to ask something but have always been a bit shy. If my stories ever wear on you, say so. I can write less often, or just at Christmas. I dont want to swamp you with my past.

Also, if ever you want to come here, just to visit, with no particular reason, Ill be in. Theres a free stool and a clean mugchecked it myself.

Your Grandad, Colin.

Alex smiled at the thought of the mug. He pictured the kitchen, the stool, the blood sugar monitor on the table, a sack of potatoes by the radiator.

He opened his camera and snapped a photo of his student kitchen: sink full of dishes, the dreaded frying pan, carton of eggs, a kettle, two mugs (one with a chipped rim), forks in a jam jar on the sill.

He sent the photo to Grandad with a message:

Hi Grandad,

Heres my kitchen. Two stools, plenty of mugs. If you ever want to visit, Ill be here too. Well, sort of at home.

Youre not a bore. Sometimes I dont know what to reply, but I always read what you write.

If you want to, you can tell me something not about work or food. Something youve never mentioned to anyonenot out of shame, but just because there never was anyone to tell.

He pressed sendand realised, for the first time, that hed asked a question of an adult in his family that hed never asked before.

He set the phone on the table, screen down so he wouldnt miss a new notification.

Eggs had gone cold, but he finished them anyway, slowlyas though sharing them with someone.

No one ever wrote the words love you in their messages. But there was something between the lines already, and for now, that was enough.

Sometimes, the things we cannot say out loud still find their way through, and being honesttruly honest, with ourselves and each othermay be the bravest and kindest thing we ever do.

Absolutely No Magic New Year’s Eve was barrelling towards Lena, fast and unstoppable like an oncoming train. The rush left her breathless; she felt as though she was stranded on the station platform, ticketless—no chance at happiness, no hope for that elusive festive spirit. Why had she even invited guests? Who’d want to ring in the New Year with a loser? *** December 31st started with a disaster: after ten years of loyal service, Lena’s washing machine retired in spectacular fashion, flooding the bathroom in its wake. Finding a plumber on New Year’s Eve? That’s a quest all on its own. After hours of stress, Lena managed it and breathed a sigh of relief, hoping the worst was over. But… That afternoon, her ginger cat Basil—a self-proclaimed gourmet—ate all the sausage set aside for the salad, leaving Lena only a sad can of peas and some pickled gherkins. That wasn’t enough trouble for him; Basil decided to hunt a passing blue tit that perched at the open window… The giant ficus was knocked off the sill in the chaos, which toppled the Christmas tree and fried the ageing string lights Lena cherished. Pottery shards and Christmas baubles she’d treasured since childhood were now mixed with soil on the floor. Lena was on the verge of tears as she cleaned up the mess. A broken decanter followed, then burnt roast chicken, and the final straw—just as her guests were almost at the door, Lena realised in horror that she’d forgotten to buy a Christmas pudding. In a panic, she rang her sister. “Kate, disaster! I forgot the dessert!” “Calm down!” came Kate’s cheery voice. “I’m right outside. Let’s get it sorted.” “You’re where?” “I’m telling you: at the front door.” Lena went down and was greeted by a scene fit for a Christmas card: Kate’s car was parked outside, and with her stood Lena’s best friend Martha carrying an enormous bag—and Auntie Gail, armed with a massive bowl of trifle. “A trifle? And it’s huge!” gasped Lena. “Just in case!” Auntie Gail announced, with her usual flair for unsolicited advice. “At least someone is prepared! We’ve got the whole night ahead—please tell me you’ve managed a salad?” Lena shrugged noncommittally… While the girls dashed out for Christmas pudding, Martha hung tinsel—only for Basil the cat to get himself hopelessly tangled like an alien from another planet. Rescue fell to Kate’s husband, Ian, who arrived straight from the office and, thankfully, right on time. Basil, not one for resistance, behaved until he saw Lena. Then, in a burst of excitement, he lunged for her, leaving a bloody scratch on Ian’s hand. Ian, brave soul, was patched up and offered to help in the kitchen—which quickly descended into his poetic musings on how “a salad is a state of mind, not just a list of ingredients.” Lena and Kate found his help more than adequate. “Martha, what’s that box?” called Martha from the next room. “Happy New Year! Wait, there’s a note—‘To be opened at midnight. Love, Nan Val.’” Lena rushed over. “Oh, I almost forgot! Kate! Nan left it for us! She said we’re to open it on New Year’s, about two in the morning—a surprise awaits.” “What do you suppose it is?” Kate eyed the box with curiosity. “Shall we look now?” Lena shook her head. “No way! She’ll find out. There’s probably some clever lock—let’s do as she says. Patience, please.” The box’s mystery intrigued everyone. Even Auntie Gail shuffled closer, eyeing it intently. *** They watched the Queen’s Speech, toasted with bubbly, unknowingly nibbled “cat” salad, laughed and argued—until, finally… “Is it two yet?” asked Lena. “Time for Nan Val’s surprise!” Only one man present was permitted to open the box. Ian fiddled with it and lifted the lid. Inside, resting on a bed of cotton wool, were dozens of tiny scrolls, all bound with colourful ribbons. Each had a name label. “What are these?” Ian asked, confused. Lena unrolled the first scroll with her name and read it aloud: “Dearest Lena, darling granddaughter. Did things go off the rails again today? Washer packed in? Cat ate the salad? Don’t fret! Remember—every problem’s just another reason to order a takeaway and watch your favourite show. You can get dessert in the morning! The most important thing is having people who’ll help you eat that takeaway. Love you to the moon and back—your Nan Val.” A hush fell, then the room exploded with laughter. Lena laughed till tears streamed down her cheeks. “How did she know?!” “That’s magic,” whispered Auntie Gail. “Me next!” Kate reached impatiently for her scroll. She read: “Kate, my love. Stop bickering with Ian over silly things. Give him a hug—he’s a good sort, even with his philosophy. If he starts up again, just kiss him. It’s the best weapon against male logic. Love to you both.” Ian went red as a postbox and kissed Kate to everyone’s applause. Martha opened hers, giggling: “Martha, you beauty! Look for love at the library or the Sainsbury’s round the corner, not the pub. That’s where the good ones are—and they don’t wear those ultra-skinny jeans! Oh, and ditch the purple hair—you look gorgeous with your natural colour!” “How did she know about my hair? I only changed it two days ago!” At last, Auntie Gail’s turn. She unfolded her scroll with great reverence: “Gail, my wise one. You always know best—but here’s a secret you don’t know: kindness and advice are good, but sometimes it’s better to just keep quiet and have a slice of cake. Hugging you, dearest.” Auntie Gail’s face flushed pink, and she, for once, said nothing, taking a helping of dessert in solemn silence. For the first time in years, she offered no advice all evening. Laughter and chatter carried on into the dawn. The girls rang Nan Val on video call—she beamed from her armchair up north: “My darlings! I’m so glad the surprise worked! No magic needed—I just know you that well, and love you more!” The morning after, clearing up the festive remains, Lena gathered all the scrolls into a pretty jar and set it front and centre. They were more than wishes—they were her nan’s recipe for happiness: Don’t fear chaos. Laugh at your misfortunes. Treasure those around you. Eat what you like (just don’t overdo it). And remember, the greatest gift is knowing someone, somewhere, loves and understands you. Always.

The Morning Circuit On the lift door, someone had once again taped up a sign: “PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE BAGS BY THE RUBBISH CHUTE.” The tape barely clung on, the corners of the page curling. The hallway light flickered, making the message look by turns harsh and faint—like the mood in the flat’s WhatsApp group. Nadia Palmer stood in the corridor, keys in hand, listening to the drill take up its phrase, falter, then try again somewhere on the sixth floor. The noise itself didn’t make her angry. What did was how every little thing became a trial: someone typing in ALL CAPS, another replying with cutting remarks, someone else sending a photo of a neighbour’s muddy boots outside their door—a sign, apparently, of moral decay. All of it seemed to demand her involvement, when all she really wanted by now was quiet inside her head. Up in her flat, she unloaded her shopping onto the kitchen table with her coat still on and opened the chat. Pinned at the top was: “WHO PARKED ON THE CHILDREN’S PLAYGROUND LAST NIGHT.” Then a photo of a tyre on the curb. Someone chimed in: “AND WHO NEVER SAYS HELLO IN THE HALLWAY.” As Nadia scrolled, a familiar irritation swelled. She caught herself thinking she was tired—tired of witnessing other people’s disputes, tired of her own urge to quietly add fuel to the fire. Next morning she awoke not out of rest but out of habit, her body like an old alarm clock. The room was chilly, radiators hissing. She pulled on her exercise jacket and trainers—bought “for walking” but rarely worn—and ventured onto the landing. The air smelled as it always did: dust, paint from the old banisters, and something neutral she couldn’t quite describe. At the lift, she checked the community noticeboard: printouts about meter readings, a lost cat, an “owners’ meeting.” Nadia pulled a page from her bag, prepared the night before, and pinned it up. “MORNING WALKS AROUND THE BLOCK. No chat required. No commitment. 7:15am at the main entrance if you fancy it. Just one lap and done. N.Palmer.” She was surprised how easy it had been to write. Not ‘let’s all make friends’, not ‘let’s be decent’, just—steps. At 7:12, she stood by the entrance, double-checked the gas was off and windows shut. Keys and phone in her pocket, hat on her head. She expected to wait a minute, then leave as if that had been her plan all along. The door banged and a woman about forty-five, with neatly pulled-back hair and the wary look of someone braced for pain, stepped out. “You… from the notice?” she asked, adjusting her scarf. “I am,” Nadia said. “Nadia.” “Susan. My doctor told me to walk because of my back, but on my own it’s dull,” she admitted, hastily adding, “I’m not a talker.” “That’s fine,” said Nadia. A minute later, a slightly stooped man in a dark coat appeared, nodded, and hesitated as if unsure whether a greeting was required. “Morning. I’m Gary. Fifth floor,” he said. “Sixth,” Nadia corrected automatically—she always knew who lived where—and smiled wryly at her own impulse to categorise. Gary grinned. “Sixth then. My mistake.” Then a tall man in his sixties, with a runner’s stride and a sporty cap, joined without a word. “Victor,” he announced. “I do this every morning anyway. Thought I was the only one.” At 7:16, they set off. Nadia had picked a simple route: round the block, past the shop, across the next-door courtyard, by the school and back. The snow underfoot was compressed, sometimes slick. The air stung their breath. At first, they walked in silence, tuning in to their own steps. Nadia found her body resisting, then settling. The static of everyone else’s grievances faded, replaced by an emptiness that felt like a blank page—practical, not frightening. At the corner, Gary finally said, “Didn’t think you meant ‘no chatting’. There’s always chat.” “If you want to, feel free—just no reporting,” Nadia replied. Susan chuckled quietly, then winced and touched her back. “You all right?” Nadia asked. “I’ll manage. Just can’t stop suddenly.” Victor paced evenly, as if counting. On the way back, he commented, “Much better like this. No meetings. Just a walk.” By the time they finished, it was 7:38. They lingered at the entrance, awkward as after a short business meeting. “Tomorrow?” Susan asked. “If you’re here,” Nadia said. “I’ll be here,” Gary replied, raising a hand. Next day, they were three; Victor was absent, but a fourth-floor neighbour, Tanya—forties, bright puffer jacket, sceptical—showed up. “I’m just watching,” she said, not introducing herself. “Watch away,” Nadia replied, setting off without explanation. Tanya walked beside Gary, silent on the first circuit. By next week’s round, she added: “I’m not one for these ‘groups’. Always a whip-round, and if you don’t chip in, you’re the enemy.” “No money involved,” Gary said. “Allergic after my divorce. Hated the joint pots.” Nadia heard the word “divorce” but didn’t pry. She knew too well how someone else’s pain becomes neighbourhood gossip—then ammunition. The walks became habit. At 7:15 they’d set out, at 7:40 they’d part. Some skipped days, then returned. Susan brought a tiny water bottle. Gary once turned up hatless and grumbled all the way round, but didn’t bail. Tanya started aloof, ended up walking closer. Gradually, this odd routine seeped into the building. Nadia noticed people exchanging greetings more. Not out of duty, but because they’d already faced one another stripped of their usual armour. One evening, Nadia returned from the GP with notes in her bag. Victor was at the lift, fiddling with a sticky button. “Not working?” she asked. “It works,” he said. “You have to press with confidence.” He pressed; the lift arrived. Inside, the bulb glowed, the mirror was scratched. He added unexpectedly, “Thank you for the walking. I thought I was past having company. It’s good.” Nadia nodded, warmth stirring inside, but she didn’t let it turn sentimental. She simply noted: someone felt lighter. Small favours started naturally. One morning, Gary silently flagged that Susan’s shoelace was untied. Later she posted in the group: “Thank you, whoever warned me—could’ve tripped!” No names, but a smile in the words. Tanya once left a bag of salt for the steps. “Not for everyone,” she said, putting it down by the wall. “For me. So I don’t end up flat.” “Thanks all the same,” said Nadia. They salted the steps together. Tanya wiped her gloves and muttered, “Suppose I might as well…” The group chat now had fewer ALL CAPS messages. Not none, but fewer. Arguments about rubbish and parking continued, but sometimes someone wrote, “Let’s keep it civil, yeah?” and it sounded less like a slogan, more like a genuine suggestion. Trouble came at the end of November: noisy renovations above—Andy from the sixth, the young man with a dog. Evening drilling, unlike before. The group chat flared: “Enough already!” “Some of us have kids!” “Do you even care?” Tanya messaged: “I know who. He’s always like this. He doesn’t give a damn.” On the next morning’s walk, Susan moved stiffly, each step a twinge and a frustration. “It’s him,” she said as they passed the school. “Sixth. Right above me. Last night till ten. Afterwards, I could still hear the drill in my head.” Gary grunted. “Legally he’s fine till eleven, as long as—” “I don’t want ‘legally’—” Susan broke in. “It’s about respect.” For once Tanya dropped the sarcasm. “He needs dealing with—signatures, call the warden. Make him realise.” Nadia sensed how quickly the warm circle became a familiar front. She feared—not the drilling, but how easily they slid back into “us versus him.” “We collect signatures later,” she said. “Let’s talk first.” “With him?” Tanya stopped in disbelief. “Seriously? He’ll just—” “He’s a person, not a case file,” Nadia said. Gary gave her a searching look. “You’ll do it yourself?” Nadia hardly wanted to. She wished things would just go quiet by themselves. But if they staged a public lynching, the morning walks would shrivel to grievances, then vanish. “I’ll talk,” Nadia said. “But I need someone to come. Not a crowd.” Gary nodded. “I’ll come.” That evening, they climbed to the sixth. Nadia messaged Andy privately first: “Could we talk? Nadia from downstairs.” Ten minutes later: “Sure, come by.” His door was flanked by neat rubble bags. Nadia knocked. Silence—then Andy appeared, T-shirted, dusty. His ginger dog poked out, retreated. “Evening,” he said guardedly. “What’s up?” “We aren’t here for a row,” Nadia said, feeling ridiculous even as she spoke. “Just—about the work.” Gary kept quiet, beside her. “I try to finish by nine,” Andy said. “My crew can’t come during the day. I have to do it after work.” “We get it,” Nadia replied. “But Susan has a bad back. Gets difficult with all the noise till ten.” Andy exhaled. “Didn’t realise. Thought it was the usual: messages in the group, no one says anything face to face.” Nadia felt a prick of shame. Face-to-face was rare. “Maybe you could message when you really need to go late?” she suggested. “And take the bins out in the morning?” Andy eyed the bags. “I will—tomorrow, by car. Just late today.” “Fine,” Gary said. “And noise?” “Usually nine, maybe half-nine at the latest. I’ll post ahead if it runs over—won’t be often.” Nadia nodded. “And the dog—he sometimes barks at night…” Andy blushed. “When I leave he gets lonely. I can sort something for him… And if there’s trouble, just message. Please—not the big group straight away?” They left. On the stairs, Gary murmured, “He’s all right. Just young and alone.” “We’re all lonely, in our way,” Nadia said, surprised to hear it aloud. Next day Andy posted: “Neighbours, I’ll be working till 9pm. If longer, I’ll warn you. Taking bins out early.” Some reacted; most didn’t. Tanya wrote, “We’ll see.” But there were no ALL CAPS. At the next walk, Tanya arrived stone-faced. “So?” she asked. “Did you sort it?” “We did. He’s agreed to nine and to warn us,” Nadia replied. “That’s it?” Tanya wanted a scalp, a confession that her way was best. “That’s it. We’re not here to score points.” Tanya snorted, but walked on. Soon she added, eyes averted: “Well. If he pushes it, I’m saying something.” “Go ahead—just to him first,” Nadia said. Susan, beside her, murmured: “Thanks for not turning it into a witch-hunt. I couldn’t have borne that.” Nadia felt a lump in her throat, breathed in icy air to swallow it. A week later, Victor stopped coming. Nadia found him at the post boxes. “Haven’t seen you,” she said. “Knee,” he replied briskly. “Doctor’s orders. Don’t overdo it.” “Shame,” Nadia said. “I see you anyway,” Victor added. “You go by; I open my window. Feels like taking part.” Silly, but moving. By New Year, the regulars were Nadia, Susan, and Gary. Tanya joined now and then, sometimes vanishing for a week, checking if the group still stood. Andy came for a walk or two, drained from building works. He made his lap in silence, then ducked away early. The building wasn’t perfect. Bags still clustered by the chute; cars still blocked spaces bloatedly. The chat still fizzed now and again. But Nadia felt that in her home there lingered something besides irritation—a trace of what else was possible. One January morning, at 7:14 she stepped out. Gary was already zipping his coat. He looked up: “Morning, Nadia.” “Morning, Gary.” Susan joined, testing the salted steps. “Hi. My back’s okay today,” she said, a small triumph beneath her smile. Tanya surfaced, sleepy, minus her usual edge. “I’m in, but no chat gossip,” she mumbled. “Deal,” Nadia replied. They set off, steps falling into sync—not flawless, but steady. At a corner, Gary caught Susan when she slipped; he did it so naturally no one thanked him out loud. As they returned, Andy waited with his dog. “Morning,” he greeted. “I’ll join later, on my way to work. And… thanks for coming to me about the noise.” Nadia nodded. “We all live here,” she said. It didn’t sound like a motto. It was just the truth—finally, no longer a reason for war.

Before It’s Too Late Natalie balanced a pharmacy bag in one hand and a folder of discharge papers in the other, fumbling with her mum’s flat keys as she locked up. Her mother stood stubbornly in the hallway, refusing to sit—though her legs visibly shook. “I can manage,” Mum insisted, reaching for the bag. Natalie gently blocked her with her shoulder, like easing a child away from a hot oven. “You’ll sit down now. And don’t argue.” She recognized that tone in her own voice—the one that emerged whenever things unraveled and she had to pull some semblance of order together: keep the documents in place, get the pills sorted, figure out whom to call. Her mother bristled at this, but today the silence between them was especially heavy. In the living room, Dad sat by the window in his faded check shirt, TV remote in hand—but the television was off. He stared not at the garden outside, but deep into the reflection on the glass, as if there were another channel playing. “Dad,” Natalie said as she approached, “I’ve brought the medicine the doctor prescribed. And here’s the referral for the CAT scan. We’ll go first thing tomorrow.” He nodded, a careful movement, precise as a signature. “No need to ferry me about,” he muttered. “I can do it myself.” “You’ll go yourself, will you?” Mum retorted, then softened at the sound of her own voice. “I’m going with you.” Natalie wanted to say her mother couldn’t handle the waiting around, that her blood pressure would spike and she’d end up in bed, refusing to admit it—but stayed quiet. A wave of irritation churned inside: why did everything always fall to her? Why couldn’t anyone just agree to do what needed doing, simply and without drama? She laid out the paperwork on the table, checked dates, clipped last week’s test results together, and felt the old exhaustion of always being “the responsible one.” She was forty-seven, had her own family, her job, her son’s mortgage to worry about—and yet, when something happened to her parents, she automatically became the point person, even if no one asked her to be. The phone rang—a call from the GP surgery. She stepped into the kitchen, closing the door behind her. “Mrs. Parker?” The voice was young, politely formal. “It’s the consultant oncologist from the clinic. About your father’s biopsy results…” The word “biopsy” still felt alien, like it belonged to someone else’s life. “There is concern for a possible malignant process. We need to do further tests urgently. I understand it’s difficult, but time is of the essence.” Natalie gripped the edge of the table, steadying herself. In her mind’s eye flashed unwanted images: hospital corridors, IV drips, strangers’ faces, her mum’s frail back beneath a scarf. She heard her father cough in the other room—a cough that now sounded like confirmation. “A concern…” she repeated, “So it’s not definite, but…?” “We’re facing a high likelihood. I’d advise you not to delay,” said the doctor. “Come in first thing tomorrow, bring all relevant documents. I’ll see you without appointment.” Natalie thanked her, hung up, and stared at the cold stove, as though it might offer instructions for what to do next. When she returned to the lounge, her mother was already looking at her. “What is it?” Mum asked. “Tell me.” Natalie’s answer came out dry. “They’re concerned it could be cancer. We have to move quickly.” Mum sat down abruptly. Dad’s face didn’t change, but the knuckles clutching the remote blanched white. “So that’s it, then,” he murmured. “Lived to see the day.” Natalie wanted to say, “Don’t,” “It’s not certain,” but a lump in her throat choked off the words. She realised how much in their family was held together by not saying frightening things aloud—how hearing this word spoken seemed to thin the very walls of their lives. That evening, Natalie came home but couldn’t sleep. Her husband snoozed; her son messaged friends in his room; she sat in the kitchen, making lists—what to pack, what tests to retake, whom to call. She phoned her brother. “Sasha,” she said evenly. “They suspect something serious with Dad. We’re off to the clinic tomorrow.” “Suspect what?” he asked as if he hadn’t heard. “Cancer.” The silence on the line stretched. “I can’t do tomorrow,” he said at last. “I’m scheduled for a shift.” Natalie closed her eyes. She knew it was true; he really couldn’t get out of work. But a familiar resentment swelled: he was always the one who “couldn’t,” while she always could. “Sasha,” she said, her voice cracking. “This isn’t about shifts. It’s about Dad.” “I’ll come in the evening,” he replied quickly. “You know I…” “I know,” she interrupted. “I know you’re good at disappearing when things get scary.” She regretted it instantly, but the words were out. Sasha was quiet for a moment. Then, in a low breath—“Don’t start. You always want to control everything, then turn it against us.” Natalie hung up, feeling hollow. She listened to the hum of the fridge, realising now wasn’t the time for blame. But fear brought everything up, like weeds after rain. The next morning, they drove to the clinic together: Natalie at the wheel, Mum in the passenger seat, Dad in the back clutching the folder as if it contained something precious and fragile. At the reception, Natalie completed forms, showed ID, insurance, referrals. Mum tried to help but got names and dates confused. Dad stood a little apart, observing the corridor—the bald heads, the scarves, anxious faces—with the silent understanding of someone who’d joined the club unwillingly. “Mrs. Parker?” A nurse called. “This way, please.” Inside, the doctor paged through their files briskly. Natalie studied his fingers, his face, searching for a sign. His voice remained calm, yet his words bristled with hooks: “aggressive,” “staging,” “needs further clarification.” Dad sat stiffly, as if at a council meeting. “We’ll repeat several tests,” said the doctor. “And a new biopsy. Sometimes the samples aren’t sufficient.” “So you’re not certain?” Natalie asked. “Medicine rarely deals in certainties without absolute proof,” the doctor replied. “But we must act as if it’s serious.” That hit her harder than talk of suspicion. Act as if time is short. Natalie felt herself switch to emergency mode. Everything else—work, fatigue, plans—faded. Days blurred: mornings of phone calls and appointments, afternoons of queues and paperwork, evenings in her parents’ kitchen, pretending conversation was merely about logistics. “I’ll take leave,” Natalie said the second night, ladling soup. “Work will survive.” “You don’t need to,” Dad insisted. “You have your own life.” “Now’s not the time for pride,” Natalie set the bowl in front of him. Mum watched them, her lower lip trembling. She’d always been the strong one—through Dad losing his job, Natalie’s divorce, her brother getting into scrapes—so strong nobody asked how she coped. “I don’t want you…” Mum started, then hesitated. “Don’t want what?” Natalie met her eye. “Don’t want you to end up… unable to forgive each other.” Natalie almost said, ‘We already haven’t, but we never named it,’—but held her tongue. She didn’t sleep that night either, instead lying awake listening to her husband breathe, thinking of her father ageing. She recalled him teaching her to ride a bike as a child, how she was fearless then because his hand was always steady on the saddle. Now, she was the one holding on—not to a bike, but their fragile family. On the third day, her brother finally arrived—fruit bag in hand, apologetic smile on his face. “Hi,” he offered. Natalie felt her anger simmer. “Hi,” she replied curtly. They gathered in the kitchen; Mum sliced apples, Dad kept quiet. Her brother tried to fill the silence with work stories. “Sasha,” Natalie eventually snapped. “You grasp what’s going on?” “Of course I do!” he snapped back. “Then why didn’t you come yesterday? Why do you always pick what suits you?” His face drained of colour. “Someone has to work!” he fired back. “Money doesn’t just appear. You’ve always got your plans and your perfect life. And I’m—” “And you’re what?” Natalie pressed forward. “You’re a grown man, Sasha. Not a teenager.” Dad raised a hand. “Enough,” he said softly. But Natalie couldn’t stop herself—the fear and years of resentment spilling out. “You always disappeared when things were hard. When Mum was ill, when Dad was… drinking. You just checked out. I stayed.” Mum slammed the knife onto the board. “No, don’t dredge that up—it was a long time ago.” “Long ago,” Natalie echoed, “but it’s never really gone.” Sasha slapped the table. “You think sticking around was easy? You like being in charge, making everyone rely on you, then resenting them for it.” His words landed squarely where she never wanted to look. She always had to be needed—there was comfort and pain in that. To be needed gave her a right. “I don’t hate it,” she said softly, though she wasn’t sure she believed it. Dad stood up, moving slowly, each motion deliberate. “You think I don’t notice? You’re arguing over me as if I’m a thing to divide. As if I’m already—” He trailed off. Mum took his hand. “Don’t say it,” she whispered. Natalie suddenly saw her father not as “Dad,” but as a scared man on the edge of a diagnosis, doing his best not to show it. Shame swept through her. The phone vibrated on the table—a call from the laboratory. “Hello?” “Mrs. Parker? It’s the lab. We’ve discovered a mix-up with your father’s test samples. There’s a chance his results were switched with someone else’s—we’re investigating. We’ll need fresh samples tomorrow, free of charge. And the biopsy will be re-examined. Our apologies.” Natalie struggled to process the words—“mix-up,” “switched”—as if they didn’t belong to her world. “Excuse me—what does that mean?” “We found a barcoding error. Please come tomorrow morning,” the voice reassured. “We’re very sorry.” She put down the phone and stared at it, waiting for it all to make sense. “What is it?” her brother asked. She met his gaze. The silence seemed to swallow the room. “They… they may have mixed up the tests.” Mum clapped a hand to her mouth. Dad sat heavily, overcome. “So… it might not be…” her brother exhaled. Natalie nodded. But she felt not relief, but a hollow emptiness—as if someone cut a siren mid-scream and the quiet revealed all the damage their panic had done. Next day, they all returned to the clinic. Natalie drove her parents; Sasha arrived by bus. No one joked or spoke of the weather. They queued in silence, clutched tickets, listened for their names. Dad gave blood without a word. Natalie watched the needle, the dark red flowing into the tube. None of this was a film; it was their real life—a world where a misplaced barcode could overturn days in an instant. The revised results would take two days. In the waiting, panic faded—replaced by awkwardness. Mum busied herself, offering tea, asking if Natalie was tired. Dad grew quieter. Sasha called, just once or twice: “How are they?” Natalie replied in kind. She found herself longing for someone to simply say, “I’m sorry.” But nobody did—not knowing where to begin. When the new results arrived, Natalie was in standstill traffic on the North Circular. The doctor explained the initial finding was due to the lab error and an insufficient sample; there was no evidence of cancer now, but checks in six months were crucial. “So… it isn’t cancer?” Natalie’s voice broke. “Not at this time,” he confirmed. “But monitoring is still important.” She hung up and gripped the steering wheel, tears streaming down her face—not in relief, but as tension drained, leaving something deeper behind. That evening, they all gathered at her parents’ for a shop-bought pie—Natalie’s hands shook too much to bake. Sasha came bearing flowers for Mum. Dad sat in his armchair, gazing at them all as though they’d returned from a long journey. “Well then,” Sasha said with a tentative smile. “We can finally breathe.” Dad replied, “You can breathe out… but how do you breathe back in?” Natalie looked at him—he sounded tired, not reproachful. “Dad…” she started. But rather than excuse herself—“I meant well,” “I was just stressed”—she said simply, “I was scared. I started bossing everyone around, took it out on Sasha. Sorry.” Sasha dropped his eyes. “Me too,” he said. “I panicked. I buried myself in work. Sorry.” Mum sniffled, but didn’t cry; instead, sitting with Dad, clutching his hand. “And I…” Mum looked between her children. “I kept up the pretence that everything was fine. So you wouldn’t row, and so I wouldn’t feel scared either. It only pushed you further apart.” Dad squeezed her hand. “I don’t need you to be perfect. Just be here. Don’t use me as an excuse to fight.” Natalie nodded. The pain lingered; what had been said, couldn’t just disappear with apologies. But something shifted—they’d said out loud what was always left unsaid. “Alright,” Natalie managed, steadying her voice. “I won’t take over anymore. I’ll help, but you need to pitch in too. Sasha, can you come round weekly to check on Dad when the exams start? Not ‘if you can,’ but actually commit?” Sasha nodded, slowly. “Wednesdays, I’m off. I’ll be here.” “And I,” Mum added, “will stop pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. I’ll say when it’s too much—and I won’t lash out afterward.” Dad looked around and, faintly, smiled. “And we’ll go to the check-ups together, so there’s no more guessing.” Natalie felt a cautious warmth growing within. Not giddy relief, but a sense of possibility. After dinner, as they cleared up, Natalie paused in the kitchen. “Mum,” she said quietly, “I don’t really want to be in charge. I just worry that if I let go, everything will fall apart.” Mum studied her, softly. “Try letting go in bits. Not all at once. We’re learning too.” Natalie nodded, donned her coat, checked the lights, locked the kitchen door. On the landing, she lingered, listening to the quiet beyond the door: no shouting, no slammed doors, just muted voices. She made her way out, realising “before it’s too late” wasn’t about one terrifying phone call. It was about seizing the chance to speak up before fear could turn them all into strangers—and that second chance would have to be earned, not just in words but in Wednesdays, in visits, in small admissions that, while hard to give, held the family together better than any illusion of control.

My husband has always told me I’m not feminine enough. At first, he’d hint casually—saying if I wore more makeup, put on dresses, or acted “softer,” things would be better. But I’ve never been that kind of woman. I’ve always been practical, straightforward, not fussy. I work hard, solve problems, get things done. That’s always been me, and he knew it—I never pretended to be anyone else. Over time, his comments became more frequent. He started comparing me to women we saw on social media, to our friends’ wives, to colleagues. He’d say I looked more like a mate than a wife. I’d listen, sometimes we’d argue, but then we carried on. I never thought it was a big deal—just a difference in our relationship. But the day I buried my father, nothing seemed trivial anymore. I was numb. I couldn’t sleep or eat—my only thought was somehow getting through the funeral. I put on the first black clothes I found, skipped my makeup, barely touched my hair; I had no energy for anything else. Before we left, my husband looked at me and said, “Are you really going like that? Won’t you at least make a bit of an effort?” At first, I didn’t understand. I told him I didn’t care how I looked—I’d just lost my dad. He replied, “Still… people will talk. You look completely run-down.” I felt something strange, as if I’d been crushed from the inside. At the service, he mingled with the guests, offered condolences, looked serious. But he was distant with me—hardly touched me, didn’t ask how I was. When we passed a mirror, he quietly said I should “pull myself together a bit more,” that my dad wouldn’t want to see me in such a state. Back home after the funeral, I asked if my appearance really was all he’d noticed that day. If he saw how devastated I really was. He told me not to overreact; he was just sharing his opinion, that a woman shouldn’t let herself go “even at times like these.” Since then, I see him differently. But I can’t leave him. I feel like I can’t live without him. ❓ What would you say to this woman if she were sitting in front of you?

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