Before Its Too Late
Helen carried a bag of medication in one hand, a folder of medical reports in the other, and tried not to drop her keys as she locked the door to her mothers flat in Croydon. Her mother stood in the hallway, stubbornly refusing to take a seat on the stool, though her legs clearly trembled.
I can manage, her mother declared, reaching for the bag.
Helen gently edged her aside with her shoulderjust as you would move a child away from the oven. Youll sit down now. No arguments.
She recognised that tone in herself; it always surfaced when things scattered and she needed to marshal at least some sense of orderknowing where the documents were, when to take the tablets, whom to ring. Her mum would bristle at that voice, but never said a word. Today, her silence was heavier.
In the lounge, her father sat at the window in an old shirt, clutching the TV remote. The television was off. He stared not out at the garden, but somewhere inward, as if another channel played inside the glass.
Dad, Helen stepped closer. Ive brought what the doctor prescribed. And heres the referral for the MRI. Well go first thing tomorrow.
Her father nodded precisely, much like signing his name at the bottom of a form.
No need to drag me around, he muttered. I can get there myself.
Oh, youll be going by yourself, will you? her mum snapped back, the edge in her voice swift, then softening at once, as if scared by her own firmness. Im coming too.
Helen wanted to say her mum wouldnt last in those hospital queues, that her blood pressure would spike and shed end up bedridden and deny itbut she stayed silent. A flush of irritation rose: why did it always land on her? Why couldnt anyone just agree and get things done?
She spread the papers across the table, double-checked the dates, fastened last weeks test results together with a paperclip, and felt the usual tiredness of being the responsible one. She was forty-seven, had her own husband, job, her sons mortgage, yet when trouble struck her parents, she became the organiser, even if no one ever asked her to be.
The phone rang. Helen glanced at the screennumber from the GP surgery. She stepped into the kitchen and pulled the door to.
Mrs Hamilton? This is Dr Keane from oncology at the clinic. Regarding your fathers biopsy results
Helen had heard the word biopsy before, but it always sounded foreign, like it didnt belong to their lives.
there is a suspicion of malignancy. He needs urgent further investigations. I know its difficult, but timings crucial.
Helen gripped the edge of the table to keep from sitting down. Images she never invited flashed through her mind: sterilised corridors, drips, strangers faces, her mums back wrapped in a scarf. She heard her fathers cough from the loungea cough that seemed, suddenly, a confirmation.
A suspicion? she repeated. So its not definite, just
Theres a high probability. Please dont delay. Bring all documentation tomorrow morning. Ill see you without appointment, the doctor replied.
Helen thanked her and set the phone down, staring for a few moments at the stoves blank hob, as if it might offer instructions for what to do next.
Returning to the lounge, she found her mother already watching her intently.
What? her mum said. Tell me.
Helens words came out dry, almost brittle. Suspicion of cancer. They saidurgent.
Her mum sank straight down onto the stool. Her fathers expression didnt change, but his knuckles turned white around the remote.
So thats it, then, he said quietly. Made it this far.
Helen wanted to protestdont talk like that, nothing is certainbut a lump lodged in her throat. She became aware of how much their family relied on never speaking dreadful words aloud. But now, with the word spoken, the walls felt thinner.
That evening, Helen returned home but couldnt sleep. Her husband was already dozing, her son texting friends in his room. She sat at the kitchen table drafting lists: what documents to bring, which tests to repeat, whom to call next. She rang her brother.
James, she said, determined to keep her voice level, its about Dad. The clinic suspects cancer. Were going in first thing.
Suspects what? James sounded as if he hadnt heard.
Cancer.
The pause was long.
I cant make it tomorrow, he said eventually. Im on shift at the warehouse.
Helen closed her eyes. She knew he really did have work, and not the kind of job you just leave. Yet the familiar ache rose: he was always the one who couldnt, while somehow, she always could.
James, she said, her voice cracking despite herself, its not about your shift. Its about Dad.
Ill come round in the evening, he replied quickly. You know I
I know, she cut in. I know youre good at vanishing when it gets scary.
She regretted it instantly, but the words were out. Silence down the line, then a breath.
Dont start, he said. You always have to be in charge, then blame everyone.
Helen hung up, feeling a hollowness open inside. She sat and listened to the fridge quietly ticking on and off, thinking now was the worst time to fightbut that at times like these, every old wound emerges.
The next morning, they drove together to the clinic: Helen behind the wheel, mum by her side, dad in the back, clutching the folder as if it were breakable, something he might drop and lose forever.
In reception, Helen filled out forms, handed over ID, NHS numbers, referral letters. Her mum tried helping, but muddled names and dates. Her father stood off to the side, watching the corridorbald heads, scarves, pale facesand Helen saw in that gaze not pity but quiet recognition.
Mrs Hamilton? called the nurse. This way, please.
The doctor in his room turned pages swiftly, sure-handed. Helen watched every move, trying to read how bad it was. The doctor spoke calmly; the words, though, caught sharp: aggressiveness, staging, needs clarifying. Her father sat upright, like attending a committee meeting.
Well need to repeat some tests, the doctor said. And do another biopsy. Sometimes the first sample isnt enough.
So youre not certain? Helen asked.
In medicine, theres rarely absolute certainty without clear evidence, he replied. But we have to act as though it is serious.
That phrase hit harder than suspicion. To act as if time was short. Helen felt herself speed up inside, everything elsework, plans, exhaustionreduced to background noise.
Days blurred into fragments: calls, appointments, car trips in the morning; paperwork, queues, signatures by day; evenings gathered at her parents kitchen, acting as if discussing only schedules.
Ill take a week off, Helen said on the second evening, ladling soup into bowls. Work can cope without me.
No need, her father answered. You have your own life.
Dad, Helen set his bowl down. This isnt the time for pride.
She saw her mothers lower lip tremble. Mum had always held the linewhen Dad lost his job in the nineties, when Helen divorced, when James got himself into trouble. She’d held on so hard no one dared ask how she was coping.
I dont want you two Mum began, trailing off.
Want us to what? Helen asked.
To end up never forgiving each other, her mother managed, clutching her spoon.
Helen almost said that there were already things they hadnt forgiven, just never namedbut she stayed silent.
That night, she couldnt sleep; she lay beside her husband, listening to his breathing, thinking how her father was ageing. She remembered learning to ride a bicycleher father steadying the saddle until, eventually, she rode alone. Back then, she was never afraid of falling, knowing hed catch her. Now she was the one holding things upand it felt like she was supporting not just him, but the whole house.
On the third day, James finally turned up. He arrived at their parents flat with a bag of fruit and a guilty grin.
Alright, he said. Helen felt annoyance stir; that smile seemed so out of place.
Hi, she replied curtly.
They sat at the kitchen tableMum sliced apples, Dad silent as ever. James launched into stories about work, trying to fill the silence with safer topics.
James, Helen interrupted. Do you understand whats happening?
I do, he snapped. Im not an idiot.
Then why didnt you come before? Why is it always down to whats convenient for you?
James turned pale. Because someone has to keep working, he shot back. Do you think money falls from the sky? Youre the model daughter, everything neat and tidy. And me
And you what? Helen pressed. Youre not a child, James. Youre a grown man.
Their father raised his hand. Enough, he said quietly.
But Helen couldnt stop. Fear for her father, resentments towards her brother, her mother, herselfall came tumbling out.
You always disappeared when things got hard, she said. When Mum was ill, when Dadwhen Dad was off the rails. You just vanished. I stayed.
Mum clattered her knife on the board. Dont dredge that up, she said. It was a long time ago.
A long time ago, Helen repeated. But its never gone away.
James smacked his hand on the table. And do you think it was easy for me to stay away? You love being the lynchpin. You want everyone to need you, then resent us for it.
Helen felt his words strike a nerve shed tried hard to ignore. She did find comfort in being neededthere was something heavy and sweet about it. To be essential meant having a right to complain.
I dont resent you, she said, though she wasnt sure she believed it.
Their father stood upslowly, every movement deliberate. You think I dont notice? he said. Dont see you dividing me up like a thinglike Im already gone?
He didnt finish. Mum reached for his hand. Dont, she whispered.
And suddenly, Helen saw her father not as Dad, but as a mansitting in corridors, hearing strangers diagnoses, trying not to show fear. She felt a cold rush of shame.
The phone vibrated on the table. Helen checked: the lab that took his tests.
Hello? she answered.
Mrs Hamilton? This is the testing lab. Theres been a mix-up with the labels. Were verifying now, but theres a chance your fathers results were muddled. We invite you in tomorrow morning to repeat the testsno charge. The biopsy will also be re-examined. Our apologies.
Helen blinked in disbelief. The words mix-up and muddled refused to make sense.
Waitwhat do you mean, muddled?
We found inconsistencies with the bar codes, the voice said. Please return for new samples. And again, our apologies.
She set the phone down, staring at the blank screen, half-expecting the world to confirm shed heard correctly.
What is it? James asked.
She looked up. The room was so silent, even the fridge had stilled.
They they might have swapped Dads tests with someone elses.
Mum covered her mouth in shock. Dad sank back onto the stool as if his legs failed him.
So it may not James breathed out.
Helen nodded. But she didnt feel joyjust an odd emptiness, as if someone had abruptly stopped an alarm, leaving the silence to expose every harsh word spoken in fear.
The next day, they all went back to the clinic. Helen drove, her parents sat tight; James came by bus, meeting them at the door. No one joked, no one mentioned the drizzle. They queued, clutching their little numbered slips, listening to the nurse call out surnames.
Dad gave blood in silence. Helen watched the thin needle slide into his arm, watched dark red fill the tube. None of this was a television dramait was their life, where a bar code mistake could upend everything for days.
The revised results took two days. Those days felt differentnot filled with panic, but awkwardness. Mum fussed about, offering tea, asking if Helen was tired. Dad grew stiller. James rang Helen twice, saying only, Any news? Helen replied just as tersely.
Helen caught herself hoping someone would say, Sorry. But no one did, including herself, unsure what to apologise for first.
When the clinic finally rang to confirm that the new results showed no malignant process, Helen was stuck in a traffic jam on the North Circular. The consultant explained the first result was likely a labelling error and a poor samplethat nothing sinister was found, just a need for monitoring in six months.
So theres no cancer? Helens voice wobbled.
At this stage, theres no evidence of it, assured the doctor. But you must continue with the check-ups.
She ended the call, sat gripping the steering wheel. Car horns blared around her; someone nudged into the next lane. And suddenly, tears coursed down her cheeksnot out of happiness, but because the tension inside her finally slackened, taking with it something deeper still.
That evening, the family gathered at her parents home. Helen brought a pie from the bakeryher hands had trembled too much to cook. James showed up with flowers for Mum. Dad sat in his armchair, looking at them as if theyd all returned from a long journey.
Well, James tried for a smile, we can all exhale.
Dad replied, Exhalings easy. Its breathing in again thats hard.
Helen met his eyes. There was no reproach, just exhaustion.
Dad, she began. I
But the words stuck. She realised now that if she began making excuses, theyd all tumble into the usual routine: I meant well, I was under pressure. What needed saying was different.
I was scared, Helen said at last. So I took over, like I always do. And I had a go at James. Im sorry.
James looked down. Me too. Honestly, I panicked. Hid in my job. Sorry.
Mum sniffed softly but didnt cry outright. She sat next to Dad, squeezed his hand.
I just wanted to keep everything normal, she said, looking between them. So you wouldnt squabble. And so I wouldnt be frightened. But all it did was push you away from each other.
Dad squeezed her hand. I dont need you to be perfect, he said. I need you close. Pleasedont use me as the reason to fall out.
Helen nodded. It hurt inside, because she knew these days would leave their mark. Words like vanishing and loves being in charge wouldnt simply dissolve with one apology. But something had shifted. This time, they spoke out loud what theyd always kept hidden.
How about this, Helen said. Ill stop deciding everything. Ill help, but I need you both to take your share. James, can you check on Dad once a week during his check-ups? Not as a maybe, but a definite?
James took a moment, then nodded. Ive got Wednesdays off. Ill be there.
And I, said Mum, will stop pretending Im fine all the time. If Im not, Ill say so and not take it out later.
Dad glanced around, the trace of a smile tugging his lips. And well all go to Dads appointments together, he said. No more guesswork, no more secrets.
Helen felt a cautious glow inside. Not relief, not celebrationjust something close to possibility.
After supper, she helped Mum wash up. Plates clinked in the sink, water splashed. Helen dried her hands and paused in the kitchen doorway.
Mum, she said quietly, I dont really want to be in charge. Im just scared if I let go, everythingll fall apart.
Mum looked at her, thoughtful. Try letting go bit by bit, she said. Not all at once. Were learning too.
Helen nodded. She slipped on her coat, checked the kitchen light, locked the door. On the landing, she paused, listening to the muffled voices insideno shouting, no slamming, just the gentle hum of family.
She walked out to her car, realising before its too late wasnt about one frightening phone call. It was about having the chance, now, to keep talking before fear could turn them into strangers. This chance needed proving, not with words, but with Wednesdays, visits, and small, honest admissionshard-won, perhaps, but stronger than any attempt at control.
And that, she understood at last, is how families hold togethernot by one persons will, but by everyone daring to loosen their grip, just enough to let each other in.












