I spent twenty years apologising to my mother-in-law, and it all just felt automatic, almost like saying sorry had become part of who I was, without thinking about it.
Every conversation would go the same. Her voice sharp down the phone: Where are you? Ive been waiting half an hour!
And me, always falling straight into it: Oh, sorry, I probably didnt make the time clear… Even though I absolutely had – Id written three oclock in my message, and it was still only quarter to.
That was basically the start of pretty much every chat we ever had.
That day, we were supposed to pick out curtains for my daughters room. Id suggested I could just send her some photos, but she insisted we go together.
I pointed at some light, beige ones. These are lovely, dont you think?
Beige? Completely impractical. Navy is much better, she cut me off. Ive raised children, I know best.
So we ended up getting the blue curtains.
On the drive home, I just stared out the window in silence. Everything was fineshe seemed satisfiedbut there was this heaviness building in me that I couldnt really put a name to.
That evening, my close friend rang.
You know what Ive noticed? she said. You apologise for how other people react.
That question just floored me.
It made me stop and think back.
Id apologised for us missing a family dinner, even though no one told us about it in advance.
Id said sorry for not asking for advice.
For picking a present that wasnt suitable.
For my daughter not staying over.
I always acted like I was responsible for her mood.
But the penny really dropped when I found an old photo from when I was about tenme, all quiet and hunched up, almost as if I was apologising just for being there.
I remembered my childhood: A worn-out mum. Irritability. Things like, Its hard for me because of you. And me, a kid who decided she had to make sure all the grown-ups felt okay, all the time.
That way of thinking stuck with me as I grew up. Only now, it was my mother-in-law instead of my mum.
A week later, the phone rang again. She was angry because wed signed our daughter up for ballet.
Normally, Id leap straight in with, Im so sorry… We didnt mean to upset you… Well have a think…
But this time, I took a breath and said, calmly, Im sorry youre upset. But as her parents, this is our decision. Its not about disregarding you, and its not my fault if our choices dont match what you hoped for.
There was silence on the line.
Even though my hands were shaking after I hung up, I felt something new inside merelief.
Later, when my husband mentioned his mum thought Id been rude, I just said, I wasnt rude. I just didnt apologise for something that wasnt my fault.
She came round a bit later, and, for the first time, we actually talked honestly.
She told me, I just want to feel important.
I told her, You are. Your opinion means a lot. But its not a command.
That chat didnt magically fix everything. I still sometimes feel that pull to apologise for things that arent actually my responsibility. But now, I notice it, I catch myself, and I stop.
Ive realised I dont have to carry the weight of other peoples feelings.
Honestly, discovering that was one of the most freeing moments of my life.
So, let me ask youhow often do you find yourself apologising for things that are out of your control, just to keep the peace?
