My Cheeky Allotment Neighbour Thought My Veggies Were Up for Grabs—But I Taught Her a Lesson She Won’t Forget

Oh come on now, love, dont be like thatwhats a couple of cucumbers between neighbours, eh? Yours will only end up going to seed, turning yellow, and then wheres the good in that? My grandchildren are visiting, and they need their vitamins. Dont be so stingy, were all friends herejust look, were right over the same fence!

Barbara leaned over the droopy wire mesh dividing our gardens, her round face set in a syrupy smile. One hand gripped an enamel bowl, already half-brimming with my strawberries, and with the other, she was helping herself to a sprig of blackcurrants from right under my nose.

I, meanwhile, was kneeling grimly amidst the carrots, wrestling with microscopic weeds, and just managed to straighten up. My back creaked like an old barn door. Wiping the sweat from my brow with my dirt-blackened hand, I gave Barbara a look heavy enough to flatten a potato. This were all neighbours here refrain, Id been hearing for three yearsever since my husband and I bought this ramshackle plot and turned it from a wilderness of nettles into a poster-child for the local horticultural society.

Barbara, I said, calm but firm, youve got strawberries too. Ive seen them. Why not pick your own?

Oh, those? Barbara waved a plump hand dismissively, utterly unashamed. Tiny things, tart as anything, and the birds have had most already. I just havent got your knack for all these feeds and fertilisers and what have you. Mines all natural, how Mother Earth intended. But youyours are enormous! Be a shame to let all that go to waste, especially since its just you and Peterhow could you possibly eat the lot? Youll burst!

I took a very deep breath. Barbaras logic was more impenetrable than a stone wall. She genuinely believed that anyone with a surplus was under a sacred obligation to share with the, lets call them, lazier among us. Never mind that her own garden was a right sorry state: gnarled apple trees, moss wolves the only thing thriving, beds barely seen a spade, and dandelions colonising the neighbourhood every spring. Barbara only came to her allotment to relax her soul as she put it: lying in her hammock, burning supermarket sausages over a couple of bricks, and blasting Classic Gold from a tinny portable radio.

I, on the other hand, am a gardening obsessive. I know every plant by name, order rare tomatoes online, get up at five to open the greenhouse, and water up until the stars are out. Every tomato, each cucumber is the child of my aching back and sleepless nights, my crusade against spring frost.

Barbara, put the bowl down, I said. Those strawberries are for my jam. I need every last one.

Oh really! she gasped, rolling her eyes theatricallly. Stingy old goat. You wont miss a handful. I only wanted the children to have a treat. Youre not going to snatch food from their mouths, are you?

And with that, before I could get to the fence, she stuffed a gigantic berry into her mouth, chewed times ten, and wafted smugly homeloot and all.

I just stood in the carrot patch, simmering with resentment. My husband, Peter, strolled up clutching a plane from the shed. Hed seen it all, but he shied from getting involved in womens squabbles.

Barbara at it again? he asked, smirking.

She certainly is, like a goat in someone elses patch. And its getting ridiculous, Pete. Last week she made off with the courgettes while we were in the shops. Claimed she thought wed forgotten themtheyd gone too big. Now shes just ripping the strawberries right in front of me.

Put up a solid fence then, Peter suggested. One of those metal jobbies. Six feet high, end of.

Cant, I sighed. Allotment rulesnothing but mesh or a picket, no solid fences. Has to let light through. Plus, after the new greenhouse, we dont have the cash for a big fence right now.

It only got worse as summer sweltered on. The tomatoes were blushing in bunches, cucumbers swelling green and crisp, peppers oozing with juiceand with each bumper crop, Barbara was appearing at the fence more and more.

One Saturday, Barbara hosted a gatheringpractically a music festival, if one likes warm lager and loud arguments. As dusk fell, she tottered to the fence, already somewhere south of sober.

Susan! she hollered (thats me), Be a dear, will you? Were out of nibbles. Could you spare a few of those lovely Beefheart tomatoes, maybe a bunch of herbs? Too far to the Tesco, and you know how guests are!

I straightened up, hose still in hand, watering the roses.

Barbara, my tomatoes arent ripe yet. And what is, I promised to my daughter tomorrow.

Oh stop exaggerating! Barbara yodelled, breath as boozy as a brewery. There they are, red as traffic lights. Surely you dont begrudge a few to your lovely neighbour? Ill buy you a bar of chocolate later.

No, I said, steely now. Absolutely not.

Barbaras smile turned to a snarl.

Well, fine, you keep your precious produce. May your tomatoes all burst on the vine! Call yourself a neighbour would squeeze a penny til it shrieked, the lot of you. Ugh!

She stalked off in a strop. That evening, her garden was alight with laughter and poison-tongued jokes. I heard the odd snippet: Londoners, the lot, clutch every penny Whod want her chemical-laden veg anyway My blood boiled, but I shut myself indoors and drowned out the racket with the telly.

Next morning, I stepped out and froze. The greenhouse door stood ajar. Heart pounding, I sprinted to the veg beds.

Yup. The bottom trusses of the heftiest tomatoes had been wrenched off. Some branches snapped, underripe fruit scattered in the dirt, and the coriander patch had a massive bald spot where dill and parsley had been snatched roots and all.

This wasnt just theft. It was a slap in the face.

Pete! I called, my voice wobbling.

He appeared, took one look, and scowled.

This is criminal, Sus. This is theft.

Oh Pete, whats the use? No proof, no cameras. Shell deny it, say were framing her. You know what Barbaras likeshed argue the grass was blue if it meant winning.

I peered over the fence. All quiet next doorthe house of hangovers. On her veranda, among the beer cans, sat a bowl of saladmy salad. Chunky slabs of my Beefheart tomato; my curly parsley unmistakeable.

Right then, I declared, steel in my voice, enough. I tried the nice way. Now, Ill try the clever way.

Peter eyeballed me. Nothing illegal, please Im not getting the law involved over a bucket of veg.

Not illegal. Just psychological. And a spot of chemistry.

By noon, Id dashed off to the big garden centre and returned with a yellow hazard suit, a respirator, a sprayer, a stash of blue food dye, and the cheapest, stinkiest liquid soap they sold.

That evening, as Barbara and her woozy friends slumped tea-guzzling in the sun, Operation Deterrent swung into action.

I donned the hazard suit, goggles, mask, and giant rubber gloves. Peter, for backup, put on his old fishermans coat and a surgical mask. The performance began.

Mixing up a bucket of blue-dyed, stinky soapy water, I made a spectacle, pouring it all into the sprayer. The smell was chemical warfare. The vivid blue goop coated the fruit and leaves like something from a sci-fi film.

Peter, stay back! I bellowed deliberately. This stuff is seriously potent! The label says full protection at all times!

I showered the veg liberally with my blue concoction. The effect was apocalypticeverything looked as though it had been struck by gamma rays.

Barbara was not slow to investigate.

Susan! What in heavens name are you doing? Smells like a sewage leak! Is there a fire? Has something infested your veg?

I paused, faced her (still masked for full effect), and called out, Worse, Barbara! I found a new virusmutating fungus. They say it can rot your entire crop overnight, only this experimental product can stop it. Thing ismassively poisonous. Birds, bugs, even peopledeadly if eaten before three weeks pass. Liver explodes, they say. Of course, after 21 days it all breaks down safely. But you wouldnt want to risk it.

Three weeks? Er and what if you just touch it?

Well, if you wash your hands immediately with acid or pure spirits you might escape. But if it gets in your mouth lordy, dont even think about it. Im burning this suit after Im done.

Barbara lingered, processing, then shuffled backwards to her house.

Oi! Dont finish the salad, you lot! Might taste off. Dont say I didnt warn you if anyones ill! she yelled.

Behind my mask, I grinned. Phase One: success.

For a week, Barbara scuttled nowhere near the fence, eyeing my blue tomatoes as if they were loaded with anthrax. Whenever her grandchildren drifted near, she shrieked, Get away from the border! Its poisonous! Breath it in and youll drop dead!

I busied myself quietly, and Peter and I laughed as we hosed the dye off the cucumbers by night and munched them at the dinner table, crunchy as ever. The blue tomatoes stayed blue, warding off foxes, birds, and Barb alike.

But old habits die hard. A week on, Barbaras curiosity began to perk up.

Susan! she called, hands on hips. Why are you eating your own cucumbers? You said three weeks! Or are you immune to your own chemicals?

I, lounging on the deck with coffee and a cucumber, didnt bat an eyelid.

These are from the shop, Barb. My own are still too riskysee how blue they are? These are Dutch, grown on glasswool, tasteless but safe.

Barbara grunted suspiciously and retreated, muttering something uncharitable about chemical nutcases.

Still, she kept her distance.

August came and harvest beckoned. By now the dye had mostly washed off the tomatoes, leaving only a faint blue blush around the stalk.

Barbara, it seemed, decided the coast was clear, or perhaps temptation finally overwhelmed her.

I had errands in town and locked up the garden tight. Before I went, I hung a freshly laminated sign on the fence, right by Barbaras patch:

NOTICE: CCTV IN OPERATION. Plot treated with third category agri-chemicals. Consuming produce without proper neutralisation leads to severe, irreversible digestive issues. The Allotment Committee has been notified. Trespassers will be reported to the police.

Of course, the camera part was an utter fib. But the bit about the committee and the chemicals gave it all the Oomph of officialdom.

When I returned two days later, I found a scene to behold. Barbara, red-faced and shrill, was showing the sign to Mr. Jenkins, our long-suffering allotment chairman.

Mr. Jenkins, would you look at this! Shes poisoning us! Chemicals everywhere! My grandson had tummy ache yesterday! Ban her, I say! Shes probably spying on me for Big Farm!

Mr. Jenkins, beset with hay fever and neighbour aggravation, looked over his glasses as I rolled up.

Morning, Susan. Theres been a concern about chemical use and, er, security cameras.

I greeted him. No illegal chemicals here, Mr. Jenkins. The signs just for would-be thieves. Seems there are two-legged pests on the plots lately. As for Barbaras familywell, if folk would keep to their own patch, theyd have no tummy trouble.

Me? Ive never! sputtered Barbara. Prove it! If you didnt catch me in the act, youve got nothing!

Oh, Ive got footage, I lied smoothly, staring her down. Swapped the dummy cameras for the real thing before I left. Motion-activated, too. Want to see the tape right now, Barbara dear, with Mr Jenkins as witness? You, over the fence Tuesday? Your guests pinching my dill on Saturday? I was just about to file a report downtown.

Complete bluff, but Barbaras face went polka-dot red. She had no clue if or when the cameras arrived, and a public shaming or a fine was more than even her cheek could risk.

Keep your nitro-veg! she shouted. Ill show youIll grow my own, and see if I care!

She marched off home, door slamming like a judges gavel.

Mr. Jenkins studied me, then the sign, then the blue-tinged tomatoes. His lips twitched.

Really that deadly, Susan?

Food dye and soap, Mr. Jenkins. Works on greenfly. Works even better on covetous neighbours.

He grinned. Ill allow it then. Good deterrent.

From then on, Barbara and I entered a state of dignified Cold War. She blanked me in the lane, regaling all and sundry that her neighbour was a witch and poisoner; I didnt contradict her, happy enough for my harvest to remain unmolested.

But then, the miracle. The next spring, when I came back for planting, I found Barbara hard at work on her own patchspade in hand, cursing, but actually digging her own beds. Not well, but persisting. At her side: trays of sorry-looking seedlings, clearly rescued last-minute from a sale.

I wandered over.

Barbara, dig too deep there and youll hit claymight want to work in a bit of sand.

I dont need advice! she snapped, then relented slightly. But this year itll be all mine. Natural. No chemicals. No funny business.

Too right, I laughed. Nothing tastes as sweet as what youve grown yourself.

By midsummer, Barbaras garden could claim wonky cucumbers and stunted tomatoes, but the pride with which she paced her patch would shame a Chelsea gold medallist. Strikingly, she never once peered over my fence or pinched so much as a chive. When you sweat for a crop yourself, you suddenly see the value in every leaf.

One evening, I spied Barbara shooing off some local boys chasing their football onto her patch.

Oi! Off you go! This isnt a football field, you knowits my veg! Blood, sweat, and tears, this is!

Peter and I exchanged a look over the barbecue and burst out laughing.

See, Pete, I said. And you said it should have been a fence. A little honest toil does wonders for neighbourly respect.

That autumn, Barbara herself wandered to the mesh fence, clutching a jar of cloudy brine with three lumpy cucumbers floating inside.

Here, she grunted, proffering her handiwork. Try them. Home-grown. Followed your recipe from that gardening magazine.

I accepted the jar as if it were a Fabergé egg.

Thanks, Barbara. Well enjoy them. And Ill save you some proper seeds for next yearthe Beefheart ones.

She hesitated, then shrugged, not quite hiding her smile. Only if you dont mind.

Dont mind at all, I replied. For anyone who puts in the graft, Im always happy to share.

We stood in companionable silence, looking out over the droopy, golden gardensmy chemical warning sign long vanished with the rain, but a new respect hung invisibly between our plots, stronger than any fence.

That year, I canned more tomatoes than ever. Not a single one pinched.

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My Cheeky Allotment Neighbour Thought My Veggies Were Up for Grabs—But I Taught Her a Lesson She Won’t Forget