Dont bother unpacking youre moving out.
Whats going on? Jessica demanded, authoritative as ever, as she saw Oliver stretched out on the sofa. He didnt even bother to get up when she walked in.
Whats going on, my dear, is that youre leaving me! Dont unpack your suitcase because were getting a divorce, and youre moving out tonight, her husband replied coolly.
Jessica thought shed misheard. My dear?
Have you seen me? How could I ever be a bunny rabbit? Im nearly six foot six! Oliver replied with a laugh when Sophie once suggested he play the Easter Bunny.
Sophie, ever the witty friend, chimed in, Well, then youll just have to be a giant bunnyone hop and youve flattened everyone!
What size is that bunny costume, anyway? Oliver was now genuinely curious.
Oh drat! I hadnt thought of that! The bunny suits meant for someone small, of course! groaned Sophie, clicking her tongue.
After a short silence, an idea popped into her head. Heres a plan: you can play Father Christmas and Sam, whos much shorter than you, can do the bunny instead!
Will Sams outfit fit me? You know, the big red coat or whatever Father Christmas wears? Oliver asked.
Sure, its actually a bit roomy on himhes always tripping over the hemline!
And what about the script? I dont know what to say!
Oh, dont worry, Sophie reassured him. Its all improvisation! Youre a clever clogs, and Ill be there to help!
Sophie, with whom Oliver had been mates since school, now worked for an events agency. Unfortunately, the boy who usually played the bunny for their Christmas visits had come down with pneumonia, leaving a gap in the team meant to visit families on New Years Eve.
Now, some might scoff and ask, Whats all this about a bunny? Since when? After all, the English tradition is that Father Christmas arrives with, perhaps, a Snow Maiden or Elf, not a rabbit. But the new boss at the agency fancied himself an innovator. If he fancied it, it was donedespite custom.
Perhaps hed missed out on playing the bunny as a child, carrying the longing into adulthood, ready to unleash it through his events company. So a bunny joined the tradition. The costume was made up of white plush, a cap with oversized ears, and a rucksack out of which stuck a massive cloth carrot.
Were shaking things up! Injecting new blood into the old routine! declared the newly minted boss, radiating pumped-up creativity.
Thus, their visiting troupe was transformed: Father Christmas (played by Sam), Sophie as Snow Maiden, and the bunny. But when the bunny fell ill, there was no one to fill inespecially on the 30th or 31st of December!
I dont care how you do it, bellowed the boss, but there must be a bunny!
Everything went as in the old nursery rhyme: today Im feeling rather glumthe little bunnys lost his fun. Even carrots and cabbage cant bring a smile.
Oliver was in a blue mood himself. His New Years Eve plans were shot: his wife Jessica had unexpectedly gone to her mums in Leeds, whod fallen poorly again, leaving Oliver facing New Year alone.
Jessicas mum had been quite unwell latelyalways something or other. Now came another bout, and Jessica packed for another visit, the third in two months.
Darling, I just cant leave mum on her own, Jessica said earnestly, folding clothes into her suitcase.
I can come with you if you like! Oliver offered. Dont spend the New Year alone in Leeds.
Dont be silly, love, she replied, smiling blandly. Why spoil two holidays when only mine is already ruined?
What happened to for better or for worse? Oliver protested. We made our vows remember!
You can ring me and keep my spirits upthats enough for me. Go out somewhere, enjoy yourself! she breezed.
He couldve imposed himself on another party, perhaps, though most gatherings were already arranged. Still, his spirits were low, the atmosphere dreary, reminiscent of a bad sketch show from a decade past.
Then, at just the right moment, Sophie calledtheir friend in tough times. Some people said that men and women cant just be friends, but Sophie proved them wrong.
Jessica never warmed to that friendship and even forbade Oliver inviting Sophie to their wedding, even though Sophie was now married herself.
Not wanting to dampen the mood, Oliver let Jessica have her wayknowing good old Sophie would understand. She did, and their friendship quietly continued, mostly through quick calls from work.
So, with a lonely New Year looming, Sophies offer to fill in as Father Christmas was a godsendand they were even paying for it.
Although Oliver earned well as an analyst and provided comfortably for Jessica, he agreed. Not for the cash, just for the welcome distraction.
The Father Christmas coat fit perfectly. The boots were just right. They stuck on a big, curly beard and moustacheready to make the rounds!
It was easier than expected. The children recited rhymes; the bunny hopped round the Christmas tree, carrot swinging. They held hands and danced. Everything was jolly.
There was just one last visit scheduled: 10pm sharp, New Years Eve. And that would be thatback home at last!
Kind-hearted Sophie, knowing her mate would be alone, invited him to join her, her husband, and her mum for New Years. Sophie, at 25, had no children, but her mum remembered Oliver from school days.
Their spirits were high as they set off for the final job. Even Sam had sneaked a quick nip, which he couldnt do as Father Christmas in past years.
At a quarter to ten, Oliver rang Jessica from the car.
How are you, love?
Holding up alright, darling.
Happy New Year to you! Pass me to your mumI want to wish her well too!
Shes just dozed offId better not wake her. Im watching TV with my headphones, thinking of you!
I love you. Ill ring again at midnight!
I love you too! Take care, bunny! Jessica replied.
As the door swung open for their final home visit, Oliver was gobsmacked. There was Jessica, dressed up for a night out, high heels and allthe same Jessica hed sent on a train to Leeds two nights ago, and just spoken to on the phone fifteen minutes earlier!
Hed offered to drive her himself, but Jessica had insisted, Ill be finedont fuss!
How had she managed this? Hed watched her pack every item. Was it her twin? Nothere was the tiny birthmark over her left eyebrow.
Was he hallucinating? With all that was going on (what with catastrophic asteroids approaching Earth, if you believed the news), maybe this was some cosmic joke.
But everyone could see her.
Bunny! called out the hallucination down the hallway.
Bunny? But Oliver was the bunny, at least according to Jessica on the phone just now!
He found himself frozen, almost watching events unfold from another body.
Coming, my darling! called a mana bald, paunchy fellowwaddling into the hall.
Wheres the childthe boy Charlie? piped up Sophie-as-Snow Maiden.
Im Charlie! the man roared, slapping his gut and guffawing. Decided to throw myself a party!
Oliver watched with horror and dawning realisation: Jessica had lied through her teeth, for this?
His first instinct was to cause a scene right there, but embarrassment and loyalty to his friend Sophie held him back.
So Oliver, lowering his voice so Jessica wouldnt twig, barked, Your turn to recite a poem, Charlie!
Charlie mumbled a few verses, while Jessica, more than a little tipsy along with her new bunny, didnt seem to recognise her husband at all.
How had Jessica, a perfectionist and lover of all things stylish, wound up with this clown?
Jessica leant on her drunken partner and cackled.
Oliver suddenly understood where those extravagant gifts from her impoverished mother had come from.
Now for a dance! roared Charlie, tiring of rhymes, and they started a tipsy conga around the flat.
Darling, play our song! slurred the bunny.
Jessica obliged, and the three of them (well, four, including a slightly sozzled Sam in a bunny suit) lurched about, celebrating carelessly, while Oliver discreetly filmed every moment for evidenceJessicas story was melting away like a snowball in the sun.
Soon enough, the host booted them outhe wanted to sleep at last.
On the way home, Sophie muttered, Strangeshes a lovely girl! What on earth did she see in that slug? Hes no husband to her!
I am her husband, Oliver wanted to cry, but held back.
He couldnt face a party now; too much had happened. Instead, he feigned illness and headed home. He didnt call Jessica at midnight or anytime afterlet her enjoy New Year with her bunny.
And so Oliver spent New Years Eve alone. But it gave him space to think.
He loved Jessica. Though, after what had happened, perhaps a little less. But forgiveness? That was out of reach. Divorce, then! The flat was in his name.
Jessica, expecting calls and growing nervous, returned early from mumsnot the 4th as planned, but the evening of the 2nd.
She arrived by taxino one met her, though shed texted her husband all the details.
Whats going on? Jessica demanded, seeing Oliver unmoved on the sofa.
Whats going on is that youll be leaving, my dear. Dont unpackwere divorcing and I want you out tonight.”
Jessica thought, surely shed misheard. My dear? But only Charlie called her that…
And where am I supposed to go? she snapped.
Dont know. To your bunny or perhaps back to your mum in Leeds. Shes feeling better now, isnt she? Oliver replied coldly.
Youve misunderstood everything, Jessica whispered, racking her brain to figure out where shed gone wrong. Mum was under strict orders not to answer calls till the 4th. Charlie couldnt have said anything. Who else mightve seen?
Well, then, tell me your side of things! Oliver said, an edge to his voice. Or was that bald fellow your doctor, who you visited to discuss your mums health? Or maybe an alchemist, promising miracle cures? Perhaps a private carer, paid for by me, here to help your mum, orwell, I shant suggest undertakers, but you see my point. Spill it, Jessica! You werent too shy to dance with star jumps in front of everyone, were you? So, go on.
And with that, Oliver showed her the video.
Jessica sat in stunned silencethere was truly nothing left to say. Yes, shed taken a lover. Why? Out of boredom? For the thrill? She certainly wasnt about to get a job to alleviate the tedium. Charlie, after all, was generous with gifts.
Work was never part of her planwhy should she exert herself if she could have comfort and novelty instead?
But what a catastrophic twist of fate. Jessica did care for Oliver, perhaps, or maybe just relied upon him financially and emotionally. Thats why she hid everything so carefully.
If shed admitted shed fallen for someone else and was moving on, at least there would have been some honesty, some closure.
Even if it were a one-off mistake, perhaps she might have been forgiven; Oliver was nothing if not generous. But this was betrayal plus a mountain of lies, all about her ailing mother.
That felt less like a mistake and more like a calculated crime. And from that moment, there was no return.
Jessica wept, she pleaded, she begged and invoked every last scrap of compassion. But Oliver stood firm: the marriage was over, and she was moving outhed made up his mind.
In the end, they divorced, and Oliver was left with only one regret: not confronting Jessica right there, in the thick of the New Years party, for maximum drama.
Still, perhaps it was for the best. Sometimes, politeness and restraint dont serve us as much as we think. But if theres one lesson in all this, its that honestythough sometimes pain-inducingis always better than a carefully constructed lie. In the end, the truth finds us out, no matter the season or costume we wear.
