For twenty years, I pretty much apologised to my mother-in-law automatically, without even thinking, as if it was just part of who I was.
Where are you? Ive been waiting for you for half an hour! Her voice crackled sharply down the line.
Sorry about that, I mustve miscommunicated the time I replied, out of sheer habit, even though Id clearly put three oclock in the text. And now it was quarter to.
Honestly, thats how almost all of our conversations went.
This time, we were supposed to go shopping for curtains for my daughters room. Id suggested just sending her some photos, but she insisted we look together.
These are nice, I said, pointing to some light, cream-coloured curtains.
Cream? Terribly impractical. You want something navy. Trust me, Ive raised childrenI know better. And just like that, we went with the navy blue ones.
On the way back, I sat quietly, staring out the window. Everything seemed normal, she was happy, but inside me was this weight I couldnt explain.
That evening I rang my close friend.
You know what Ive noticed? she asked. You keep apologising for other peoples reactions.
That question stopped me in my tracks.
I started to recall all the times Id said sorryapologised that we hadnt made it to a family dinner no one told us about, apologised for not asking her advice, apologised the present wasnt quite right, apologised because my daughter wasnt staying over at hers.
It was as if I was responsible for her moods.
The hardest realisation hit me when I found an old childhood photo of myself, around ten. I looked so quiet, so small, as if I was sorry just for existing.
I remembered my childhood.
An exhausted mum. Snap reactions. Youre the reason things are so hard.
And I was that child who thought it was my job to look after the adults feelings.
That thinking stuck with me into adulthood.
Except now, it was my mother-in-law instead of my mum.
A week later, my mother-in-law rang up, upset that wed put my daughter in ballet.
Normally, I wouldve started, Im sorry we didnt mean to upset you well think about it
But this time, I took a deep breath and calmly said,
Im sorry youre upset. But as parents, we made this choice. Its not meant as an insult, and its not my fault if our ideas dont match up.
There was absolute silence on the other end.
My hands were shaking after the call, but inside, I felt something newrelief.
Later, when my husband mentioned his mum thought Id been rude, I just said,
I wasnt rude. I just didnt apologise for something I hadnt done.
She came over later for a visit. For the first time ever, we had an honest conversation.
I just want to feel important, she said.
You are important, I replied. But your opinions are opinions, not orders.
That chat didnt solve everything. I still sometimes feel that rush to say sorry for things that arent my fault. But now, I recognise it.
And I stop.
Im not responsible for other peoples feelings.
And honestly, thats the most freeing thing Ive ever realised.
How about you? How often do you find yourself saying sorry just to keep the peace, even when its not your fault?
