No one chased them out, we would reply to either side, they simply didnt want to stay! Theyre welcome to visit! Wed be delighted.
Sit down! Pretend were not in, Richard said quietly from his armchair.
But someones ringing the bell! Susan froze, half rising from the sofa.
Let it be, Richard replied.
What if its someone important? Susan asked. Or something urgent?
Its Saturday, noon, said Richard. You havent invited anyone, Im not expecting anyone. Whats that tell you?
Ill just peek through the spyhole, Susan whispered.
Sit! Richards voice carried a firmness that brooked no argument. Were not in. Whoever it is, let them turn back.
Do you know whos out there? Susan asked.
Ive got a notion, which is why I told you not to flit past the windows.
If its as I fear, they wont just leave, Susan shrugged.
That depends how long we refuse to open the door, Richard replied calmly. Sooner or later, theyll give up.
Theyre hardly going to camp on the doorstep overnight. And we, fortunately, have nowhere to be. Grab your headphones and phone, settle in with a film.
Richard, its my mum calling, Susan murmured, showing her mobile.
So, its your Aunt Margaret with her clumsy son standing outside, then, Richard concluded.
How do you know? Susan asked, surprised.
Well, if it were my cousin Richard drew out the word in distaste, my mum would be ringing instead.
And you cant imagine anyone else? Susan pressed.
If its the neighbours, I dont care to chat. Friends, after a couple knocks, would have left, or at least called ahead like decent folk. Who but our bothersome relatives would ring the bell half an hour without giving up?
Richard, it is Aunt Margaret, Susan sighed, glancing at a message from her mother. Shes asking where weve got to. Aunt Margaret needs to stay a few days, has business in London.
Text her: there are plenty of hotels in London, Richard grinned.
Richard! Susan scolded. I cant say that!
I know, Richard pondered, Say were not home, were staying in a hotel ourselves, our flats being fumigated for cockroaches.
Brilliant! Susan fired off the message.
Shes replied, asks if we can book two roomsfor her and Martin, Susan said, astonished.
Text back: were broke. Tell her weve got beds in a hostel, fifteen foreign students in our room, Richards creativity shone.
Mums asking when well be back, Susan checked.
In a week, Richard waved a hand.
The bell fell silent. Husband and wife breathed in relief.
Susan slumped with exhaustion. Richard, Mum says Aunt Margaret will arrive in a week.
And well be out again, Richard replied.
Richard, this isnt a solution, is it? We cant hide from them forever. What if they come on a weekday? Lurk by the door after work? My aunt or your cousin, theyre capable of anything.
He sighed heavily. What possessed us to buy a three-bedroom place?
We chose a bigger home for our future children, Susan reminded gently.
We need a child, Richard said seriously, then, Better yet, twins!
Im not against it! Susan flared. You know Ive been checked, but its not happening.
If we could rid ourselves of stress, wed be sorted, Richard said. Its our nerves, battered by your lot, then mine. I wish we could send them back where they came from! If not for them, things might work out.”
Susan didn’t argue. She knew Richard was right.
Before the wedding, they’d both endured expensive tests for compatibility and genetic conditionseven fertility checks.
Everything came back promising, but immediately after the wedding, children had to wait: saving for their own flat came first.
Both had lived with their mums in tiny one-bedroom flats before marriage; they could only rely on themselves. Years of hard work and scrimping finally let them buy a spacious flatalbeit in an older building, but theyd renovated from scratch. Oh, how happy they were!
But barely had the new homes paint dried before Aunt Margaret arrived at the doorstep, Martin in tow.
To ensure they didnt turn away, Susans mum was along for the first visit.
“Well, youre not shy here, are you? Loads of room! Not like Susans old hole.
Just perfect, Aunt Margaret declared. Ill take the spare room, and Martin his own!
No one sleeps in the sitting room, Richard said. Its for relaxing.
I wont be working here! Aunt Margaret laughed. Susan, explain to your husbandMartin snores! And anyway, guests in the house means you ought to lay a spread!
We didnt expect you, Susan said, embarrassed.
And the fridge is empty, Richard chimed in.
Fine, have it your way, Aunt Margaret relented. Richard, nip to the shop. Susan, youre on kitchen duty!
Well, get to it! Susans mum barked. Is this how you treat guests?
Bit cheeky, dont you think? Richard retorted, but Susan dragged him aside.
Once he could speak through Susans hand on his mouth, he hissed, Susan, has everyone lost their minds? Ill toss them out to your mother, all together!
“Richard, she’s a simple country woman. It’s how she’s used to living”
I know country folk; rudeness like this isnt a custom anywhere!
Please, lets not quarrel with Mum and Aunt Margaret, Susan pleaded. Theyll drive me mad if we do and youll be labelled the enemy!
I dont care if I am. If they treat me so, I can ignore them utterly. Let them vanishIll not shed a tear.
Richard, darling! Have pity for me! If we send Aunt Margaret packing, Mum will curse me, and shes all I have!
That settled it. Richard set his jaw and trudged off to the shop.
Aunt Margaret stayed two weeks, not three days as planned. By evening two, Richard was gulping valerian tablets.
Their departure was celebrated with a mop, broom, and three days scrubbing.
Then, the same trouble arrived, courtesy of Richards side.
Brother, just for a bit! Thomas crushed Richard in a bear hug. Need to sort out business, then were off home!
Cant you handle things alone? Richard asked.
Of course not! Ive got a family; cant leave them back in the village. Think, man! What if I run into adventure? My wife will keep me in check!
So you brought the kids too? Richard asked.
Where else would I leave them? Thomas laughed, clapping his brothers shoulder. Theyll enjoy themselves. Lets paint the town red like old times!
“Thomas!” cried his wife Jane. “If you start, Ill give you something to shake!”
Soon after Thomas and his family arrived, Susan collapsed with a migraine.
Their kids thundered through the flat, shrieking, while Jane raised her voice for every utterance.
Thomas was always itching to go out, prompting Janes louder protests.
“Richard, you are your mother’s only son,” Susan murmured, hugging her pillow.
“Only on my mums side, Richard replied. Hes my cousin
“I don’t care what you call him. Couldnt you ask him to leave?”
“I wish I could, but it’s the same as your aunt. My mother would extract my sanity teaspoon by teaspoon!”
As soon as they recovered from one visit, another would start. Aunt Margaret and Martin always seemed to have business in London, Thomas and family dropped by to sort things. And the mums themselves never forgot their children, each taking turns nagging the young couple.
The constant tension put a strain on their hearts and minds.
Even discussing children became impossible amidst the carousel of guests and noise.
“Lets swap flats,” Susan suggested one afternoon.
“For a padded cell?” Richard smiled. “At this rate, theyll have us committed soon!”
“No,” Susans lips quirked. “Lets swap with someone wanting this areathey move here, we go there, and dont tell anyone where weve gone!”
“Theyll sniff us out in no time, Richard chuckled, “and our relatives will grill the newcomers for our whereabouts. Theyd hunt us down and crucify us for the prank!”
“But maybe wed have time for a child?” Susan asked hopefully.
“If were lucky enough not only to conceive, but also to bring a baby home, at least thatll be some justification, Richard said.
We ought to just move out entirely, Susan sighed. Ask our friends to take us ina bit of shelter?
You mean Daniel and Catherine? asked Richard.
Yeah, their spare room!
Dont forget, theyve got Tess, Richard smiled. Remember?
“Id rather live with their shepherd dog than with our own relatives!” Susan drooped.
“Wait!” Richard grabbed his phone.
“Dan, can we borrow your dog?”
“Good Lord, mate!” Dan shouted. Were off to the coast and nowhere for Tess! Shes fussy with strangers, but loves you! Ill bring her food, bedding, toys, dishesIll even pay you!
Perfect! Bring her over! Richard beamed.
Turning to Susan, happy as a lark, he announced, Call your mumlet Aunt Margaret come round tomorrow! Ill invite my cousin later in the week.
Are you sure? Susan asked.
Were all eager for company, Richard said warmly. Shame if they dont like our new resident!
One threatening bark from Tess was enough for Thomas and family to retreat to a comfy hotel.
Aunt Margaret, though, vowed to stand her ground.
Lock that creature up somewhere! she cried, clutching Martin.
Aunt Margaret, you must be joking! Richard grinned. Forty-five kilos of pure muscle! Not a lapdoga proper English shepherd! She could knock down any door!
Whys she baring her teeth at me? Aunt Margarets voice shook.
Shes wary of strangers, Susan shrugged.
Get rid of her! I cant live with that beast!
Get rid of her? Richard was scandalised. Shes our darling now! Weve no children yet and everyone needs something to love. She has our hearts!
And well never give her up, Susan chimed in.
Calls came from both mothers, asking why theyd refused their own family hospitality.
No one chased them out, they replied to each, they simply chose not to stay! Theyre welcome anytime! Were always happy to see them.
And the dog?
Mum, we havent refused anyone!
Oddly enough, both mothers stopped pressing for visits.
A month later, Tess returned to Daniel and Catherine, ready to answer their calland, as fate would have it, she wasnt needed again. Susan was expecting twins.
