I’m a pensioner and while I was selling bagels, someone tried to scam me.
There I was, stood at my little bagel stall, right on the corner where you’ll find me every day, when two blokes strolled over. Well-dressed too. Suits, ties, a leather briefcase. The sort youd take for men in charge, though if you paid attention, there was something off about them even from down the street.
Good morning, madam, said one with that oily smile you see on dodgy car salesmen wholl wish you a nice day just after they’ve fleeced you. Are you the owner of this stand?
I am, love. Fancy a fresh bagel? Just baked, still warm.
No, that’s not why we’re here. Your stall is set up in a prime trading location and you really should take care of your paperwork.
That’s when my suspicions started tingling. But I decided to play along and act a bit daft.
Oh, bless you, take care of things… I struggle enough taking care of my blood sugar, dear. Diabetes, high blood pressure the nurse only the other day said my cholesterols in the clouds. Have you got cholesterol? Because if you do, let me tell you what tablets Im on…
Madam, you just need to sign… one tried to interrupt.
Oh dont do that, love its not polite to interrupt your elders. So as I was saying, those pills blow me up like a party balloon. And my poor daughter, shes getting divorced… Her husband turned out to be a real layabout, just like my late first husband, God rest him… though he was no better while alive…
The other fellow was getting twitchy now, pulling out some bits of paper.
Madam, were talking about a fine of five thousand pounds and
Five thousand? Oh, love, I hardly scrape up enough for my rent as it is. Do you know what it costs for gas? Or electricity? My youngest grandson, the one set on being a vet though hes still in school, keeps telling me, Nan, dont run the hot water so much.’ But at my age, I cant do without it. My bones are killing me…
Please, if youd just listen for a moment…
No, you need to listen to me. Do you know what its like selling bagels at 68? My pension doesn’t even cover my prescriptions. Got arthritis knees, hands, neck… Sometimes I cant sleep for the pain. But Im out here, rain or shine, every single day. If I miss a day, I dont eat. And now youre telling me to cough up five thousand pounds? You might as well just watch me keel over right here; see what trouble that brings you.
The two of them glanced at each other, proper sweating now.
Maybe… maybe we could set up a payment plan…
A plan? My lifes a string of payment plans with the bank, the chemist, the shops. Even my neighbour, for my tooth do you know what a crown costs? Three thousand pounds! And thats NHS rates!
One of them started packing the forms back into his briefcase.
Hold on, Im not finished. My sisters on dialysis, you know what that means? Three times a week, four hours on the machine each time. Its dreadful. The insurance doesnt cover it all. We all chip in, brothers and sisters alike, but I still send £100 a month from my bagel sales. And now a fine? For what, exactly? All my paperworks above board. Council approval, registered, taxes paid not much, because I dont earn much. Even my health cards current. Want to see it?
I pulled out my purse, bursting with bits of paper.
Here! Permits valid till next year. Signed and stamped. And which department did you say youre from, again?
They started shuffling backwards.
Oh, you didn’t say? Odd, that. Because I may be retired, but Im not daft. I spent 35 years working in the council right in the licensing office. So I know exactly whats what, and no real inspector turns up in a cheap suit demanding cash with no receipt.
And you know what else? Theres a CCTV camera on that corner. And my son-in-law is a police officer. He sorted me this spot, safest one around. Shall I ring him? Hes only a few streets away.
At that, they practically legged it.
No, madam, theres clearly been a misunderstanding…
Take a bagel for the road! I shouted after them. Shows Im not one to hold grudges!
One of my regular customers was in stitches, laughing so hard she was crying.
You kept those two spinning for a solid half hour!
And you know what? Half of it was fibs. No diabetes, my daughters perfectly happy, and my sisters fit as a fiddle. But those chancers think if youre old and skint, you must be thick too.
And your son-in-law the copper?
Oh, hes real. Sos the camera. So are the documents thats the main thing. Because theres a world of difference between being poor and being stupid. I sell bagels because the pensions pitiful, love, not because I cant count.
I bagged up the usual order, extra sugar, and cracked on with my day.
But tell me, what do you reckon does being poor make you easy prey, or is lifes experience and a bit of cunning worth more than all the qualifications in the world?












