No one asked them to leave, I would say, whenever Mum or Sandra called to find out what happened. For some reason, they just didnt want to stay! Theyre more than welcome! Wed be delighted!
Stay put. Were not home! I said calmly to Alice.
But someones ringing! Alice had frozen halfway up off the sofa.
Let them, I replied.
What if its someone important? Alice asked. Or about work?
Its Saturday, its midday, I said. You havent invited anyone, Im not expecting anyone. So?
Ill just take a peek through the spyhole! Alice whispered.
Sit down! I insisted firmly. Were not home. Whoever they are can just toddle off.
You think you know who it is? asked Alice.
Ive got a hunch, I replied, which is exactly why you shouldnt be flitting about by the window.
If its who I suspect, they wont just leave so easily, Alice mumbled, shrugging.
That all depends on how long we dont open the door, I said, remaining calm. Sooner or later, theyll give up.
No one is going to spend the night on our doorstep. Besides, weve nowhere we need to be, so just settle back, pop your headphones on, pull up a film on your phone.
My mums calling, said Alice, showing me her phone screen.
So its your Auntie Sandra and that useless lad of hers, I concluded.
How do you know? Alice was surprised.
If it was my cousin, I said, dragging out the word cousin with a bit of disgust, my mum would be ringing, wouldnt she?
You dont think of any other options? Alice asked.
If its the neighbours, Ive no desire to chat. If it was our friends, they’d have rung the bell a couple of times and headed off by now. Or, being civil, theyd ring ahead to ask if were in. Not hammer the buzzer for thirty minutes straight! Only our pushy relatives would torment the doorbell like that!
Jack, its my aunt, Alice half-whispered in defeat. Mum sent a message.
Shes asking where weve vanished to. Sandras planning to stay for a few daysshes got business in the city!
Tell her theres plenty of hotels, I smiled.
Jack! Alice was mortified, I cant tell her that!
I know, I thought for a moment. Say were not homethat we’ve checked into a hotel because the flat was being fumigated for cockroaches!
Brilliant! Alice fired off the message.
She says we ought to book two rooms: one for her and one for George! Alice said, stumped.
Tell her weve no spare cash. Then say were in a hostel with two bunks and fifteen foreigners sharing the same room, I grinned, feeling pretty clever.
Mum wants to know when well be back, Alice looked at me.
Say in a week, I waved her off.
The doorway finally fell silent. Both of us breathed out, relieved.
Jack, Mum says Sandra will come back next week, Alice said wearily.
We wont be home, I replied.
But Jack, you realise this solves nothing? We cant avoid them forever. What if they come on a weekday? After work? Sandra or your cousin would sit and wait for us!
True enough, I sighed. Who convinced us to buy a three-bed, anyway?
It was for our future big family, Alice reminded me.
We need a babyor better still, twins! I said determinedly.
Im not objecting! retorted Alice, You know we need the testsall thats left is luck!
If we cut out the stress, itll happen, I said seriously. Our nerves are frayed, yours and mine! Honestly, Id ship the whole lot of them back to wherever they came from. Nothing ever works out with them around!
Alice didnt argue. She knew I was right.
Before we married, we paid for expensive compatibility and genetic testingincluding fertility. Everything looked good. But after the wedding, kids had to wait while we scraped together enough for a flat.
There was no family money, and before the wedding wed both lived in cramped one-bed flats, each with our mums. We could only rely on ourselves.
Five years of hard work and strict saving meant we bought a spacious flat. Not new, but we put our hearts into renovating, buying furniture from scratch. We were over the moon!
We barely had time to celebrate before Sandra showed upwith her son George. To make it harder, she brought my mother-in-law along as backup.
Theres loads of space! Not like Alice suffered with me in one room, Sandra chimed in.
Very handy, she nodded approvingly. A room for me, and George gets his own!
We dont sleep in the lounge, I said. Thats our relaxation room.
Im not planning to work here! Sandra laughed. Alice, explain to your husband its no good sharing with my ladhe snores! Honestly, guests should be met with a proper spread!
We werent expecting you, Alice said, embarrassed.
And theres not much food in, I added supportively.
Oh, go on then, Sandra said warmly. Jack, nip to the shop, and Alice, you get in the kitchen!
Why are you just standing there? my mother-in-law barked. Is that how you welcome guests?
Have you no shame I started, but Alice rushed me into another room.
When she finally let me speak, I demanded, Alice, has everyone gone mad? Ill turf them out to your mum herselfin fact, both of them if needed! If you turn up as guests, act the part! What is this behaviour?!
Jack, shes just a simple country woman! Its what they do, Alice pleaded.
I know rural folk, but no one tolerates this sort of rudeness! Its pure cheek!
Please, lets not fight with my mum and aunt, Alice begged, Theyll drive me mad otherwise! And youll be the villain. Is that what you want?
I dont care how they see me. If they treat me like this, Im happy to pretend they dont exist. Not fussed if they vanished altogether!
Jack, love! Spare me. If Sandra gets thrown out, Mum will curse meand shes all Ive got left!
That argument hit home. I clenched my jaw and trudged out to Tesco.
Sandra ended up staying not three days, but two whole weeks. By the second day, I was a regular customer on the valeran tablets.
When she finally left, along with George, Alice and I celebrated by blitzing the flat with bleach and mopsthree days just to get it liveable again.
But then, not a week later, the same scenario, but my side this time.
Bro, Ill crash here for a bit, said my cousin Mark, squeezing me in a bear hug. Got things to sort, then well head off!
You cant sort things yourself? I asked.
Come on! Ive got a familycant leave them in the village while Im off in London. Use your head! Mark laughed. Besides, I need monitoringotherwise who knows what trouble Ill find!
Thats why you brought the kids? I asked.
With who else could I leave them? Mark slapped me on the back. Let em have some fun! Come on, lets hit the town like in the old days!
Mark! shrieked his wife, Emma. The only thing getting hit is you, if you keep on like that!
An hour and a half into their visit, Alice was out cold with a migraine. The kids tore through the flat screaming, Emma only communicated by yelling, and Mark kept wanting to go out, which made Emma screech all the more.
Jack, isnt your mums only son you? Alice moaned into her pillow.
Hes a cousinon Mums side, I grumbled. I just call him family.
I dont care what you call himcant you ask him to leave?
I would, hand over heart, I said, but its the same as with your aunt. My mum would have my head on a teaspoon!
As soon as one lot left, another arrived. Sandra and George always seemed to have business in town. Mark and his family popped up with things to sort. And the mothers never forgot about usthe mother-in-law hassled me, my own mum wound up Alice.
All the ongoing stress wrecked our mental health and relationship. There was no hope for kids with this endless carousel of guests. Even our health was suffering, let alone anything else.
What if we moved? Alice suggested.
To a padded cell? I quipped with a smile. At this rate, well qualify soon enough!
No, she chuckled weakly. Lets swap our flat for a similar one. There are people who want a different areaif we move and tell no one where, maybe we can finally get some peace.
Theyd sniff us out, I snorted. Both my cousin and your aunt would hunt the new owners down and squeeze the truth outtheyd find us, and then wed be crucified for the trick!
Maybe well have time to make a baby before they find us? Alice asked hopefully.
Not just make, but bring into the world! I shook my head. Thatd be a start.
Maybe we should just leave our flat completely, Alice said gloomily. What if we stayed with friendsat least we could hide!
You mean Tom and Kate? I asked.
Yeah, Alice nodded. Theyve got a spare room!
Thats where Lucy livesthe sheepdog, I smiled. Remember?
Id rather live with a dog than with our family! Alice slumped over.
Wait! I shouted, grabbing my phone. Tom, could we borrow Lucy?
Mate! Youre a lifesaver! Tom bellowed down the phone. We want to go on holiday, and no one can mind the girl. Shes not keen on strangers, but loves you two! Ill bring her food, bed, toys, bowls! Ill pay you!
Bring her over! I said, thrilled.
I turned to my wife, beaming like morning sunshine. Ring Mumtell her Sandra can come tomorrow! And Ill tell Mark to swing by next week!
Youre sure? Alice asked.
Over the moon! I said soulfully. Cant be helped if they dont like our new flatmate!
All it took was one snarl from Lucy for Mark and his family to prefer the comfort of a Premier Inn. Sandra, however, was determined to fight for her right to stay.
Lock that animal up somewhere! she declared, hiding behind Georges narrow shoulders.
Auntie Sandra, you have to be kidding, I smiled. Thats forty-five kilos of solid musclenot a lapdog, but a proper sheepdog. Shell go through any door!
Whys she baring her teeth at me? Sandras voice wobbled.
Shes not keen on strangers, Alice shrugged.
Get rid of it! I cant live with that beast in the same flat!
How could we?! I protested. That lovely dog is family now! Since weve no kids yet, someone needs lovingand Lucy gets all our love!
Wed never give her up! Alice added.
Then both mums rang, questioning why wed refused hospitality to family.
No one chased them out, we replied to both politely. They just chose not to stay! Theyre always welcome! Wed be thrilled!
And the dog?
Mum, were not refusing anyone!
Funnysoon enough, both mums stopped angling to visit as well.
A month later, Lucy went back to Tom and Kate, but was ready to return whenever we needed her. Truth be told, she wasnt required.
Alice was expecting twins.
Personal Lesson: Sometimes, setting boundaries means upsetting expectations, but keeping our peace is worth more than pleasing everyone. Sometimes the best family member has four paws and a wagging tail.
