Hand us the keys to your cottage, and well stay there for a bit, the request came.
Simons mother had fallen ill, so Simon and his wife, Alice, decided to remain in London for the holidays. Their New Years Eve was a quiet, intimate affair at home. Their close friends, Emma and Peter, had been looking forward to spending the holiday at Simon and Alices country cottage, and were noticeably disappointed when the invitation was withdrawneven if no one could predict that Mrs. Margaret Foster would get sick just as festivities began.
Alice couldn’t help but feel guilty. When Emma called her on the 2nd of January, her disappointment poured out over the phone.
We had an awful New Years in that cramped flat, the three of us! Peters mum barged in on the 31st, saying her flats heating packed in, and now shes set on staying with us til the council sends a plumber! Im losing my mind, Alice. If this keeps up, Im divorcing Peter over his motherI swear! Emma wailed.
Oh, Emma. Im really sorry. Margarets taken a turn for the worse, and Simons stretched thin. If I could help somehow, I would, Alice mumbled.
Well, you could help, actually.
How?
Just give us the keys to your cottage. Peter and I will escape for the holidays, leave Mum here to drive herself mad. Well be super carefulpromise.
Alice hesitated. Sympathy warred with apprehension. The cottage legally belonged to Simon, though both treated it as joint property.
I Im not sure, Emma. Let me talk to Simon, she replied.
Of course. But honestly, Alice, well treat everything like its priceless.
But I bet the roads buried in snow. We havent had anyone out with the tractor yet, Alice observed.
No problemweve got a Land Rover. Well manage, Emma replied, unruffled.
And the boiler… we havent checked it in ages. Shouldnt we pop up before?
Peters fixed loads of boilers! Well look after things. If something needs mending, well sort it.
Emma sounded so earnest, Alice nearly relented. She promised to call back after talking to Simon.
Are you sure this is a good idea? Simon asked, his brow furrowed.
I dont know, Si. But Emma and Peter are old friends. Wed planned to go with themif not for your mum
If something goes wrong, we cant get up there easily. And I wont leave Mum alone.
I know. But Emmas desperate. From what she says, Peters mum is a nightmare. Their marriage is at risk.
After pausing, they agreed. If they could salvage Peter and Emmas family life, perhaps they ought to try.
Well hand over the keys, but if anything comes up, theyre on their own, Simon resolved.
Emma instantly recognised the gesture for what it wasa real sign of trust.
Thank you, darling! Ill check in regularly, she promised, and they set off.
Getting to the cottage took over three hoursthe house lay in the rolling hills outside Bath, charming but remote. The snow had made travel nearly impossible. Their Land Rover skidded and soon, Emma rang up their friends, voices edged with panic.
What do we do? Emma asked.
Come back. No ones going to plough the road on January thirdits the bank holiday, Simon said.
No chance. Weve come all this way! Isnt there some chap with a tractor nearby? Didnt you say so, Alice? Emma pressed.
Yes, he clears the road, Alice replied.
Ring him up, see if hell come out.
Ill text you his number, Alice sighed.
Half an hour later, Emma called again.
Hes not answering. Can Simon call him? He wont pick up on my number!
Alright. Wait there.
A reluctant Simon called, and eventually the tractor driver agreed to come within the hour. Simon and Alice spent the next hour on edge, fielding Emmas persistent calls, all tension and worry.
Thankfully, the tractor arrived as promised, clearing the drive. Still, Emma and Peter had to shovel a path to the door themselves before getting inside.
The radiators werent working properly; Peter fumbled with the boiler, ringing Simon repeatedly for instructions. Simon spent two hours explaining the antique contraption.
Never seen one like thismust be from the Jurassic period.
Works, though, doesnt it? Simon snapped. He sensed this wouldnt be the last hiccup.
And he was right. Emma rang for every little thingWheres your frying pan? Its freezing in here! Complaints mounting.
By night, Simon and Alice finally just switched off their mobiles to get some relief.
The next morning, their phones showed a dozen missed calls from Emma.
Whats happened now? Alice muttered, anxiety creeping in.
She dialled. Emma picked up immediately, her voice shrill with drama. Where did you disappear to?
We slept.
We nearly burned down the place! The sauna smells of smoke! Why didnt you tell us theres a flue cap?
Good grief
Exactly! Who builds a sauna like that?
What happened?
You shouldve said about the flue cap! Luckily, Peter figured it out in time.
SorryI didnt imagine youd try the sauna the first night. To be honest
What? Were guestsof course were making use! Isnt it included? And the whole gardens buried in snow. Took ages just to get there!
Alright, Emma. Use the sauna as you like, Alice stammered, flustered.
We couldnt find your barbeque, either.
The old one broke last autumn.
Brilliant. You couldve mentioned it! How are we supposed to grill sausages now? Emma snapped.
I dont know, Emma. Theres been so much going on. The barbecues not my priority. Dont set the house on fire, thats all I ask.
She hung up, exasperated by Emmas petulance.
Disaster again? Simon asked, over his tea.
Yes.
Alice recounted it all.
Peter came with me to the sauna last summer. He knew about the flue capno grounds for complaints. As for the barbecue not our problem. If they wanted paella, would they expect us to supply the pan? If theyre desperate, they can pop to the village shop for an instant BBQ setenough for a couple of days.
Alice relayed this to Emma on the next call.
Fine, fine. Well go to the village. At least the roads clear, thanks to us.
Remarkably, after that Emma stopped harassing Alice, perhaps sensing how worn out her friend was.
They havent called in ages. Should we check up? Simon asked next day.
Emma didnt answer, but texted a simple All good.
Simon and Alice decided the best course was to trust Emma and Peter, forgetting about the cottage for the remainder of the holiday.
When Mrs. Foster finally recovered, Alice suggested, Si, why dont you go collect the keys from the cottageand check up on things?
Yeah. Ill go tomorrow morning, back by tea. Better have a look at the place and the sauna, Simon replied.
He drove off, leaving Alice with his mother. She messaged Emma that Simon was on his way, expecting nothing amiss. She was shocked when Simon returned that evening, silent and sullen.
The next day, Emma called Alice, asking her to drop by. Their houses were on neighbouring streets.
Your mothers left you in peace? Alice asked.
Thank goodness, yes. She went home yesterday. Everything fixed at last.
Alright. Ill pop round in an hour.
Alice didnt tell Simon; it was clear the topic riled him.
Once inside, Emma wasted no time. She handed Alice a piece of paper.
Whats this?
A tally of our expenses at the cottage, Emma said.
Alice scanned the list: tractor fee, electric shovel, barbecue set, charcoal, firelighters, grill rack, three light bulbs, and a collection of essential oils for the sauna.
We bought all this for the house, Emma said.
And?
You keep the gearenjoy. But we figured its only fair to split the costs.
Youre joking, surely? Alice chuckled, waiting for the punchline.
No. If you had the BBQ set, we wouldnt have spent money on it, nor on the grill gear. If youd had a proper shovel, we wouldnt have had to buy an electric one. And if your tractor guy had cleared the road, we wouldnt have wasted all that time and petrol! And would it kill you to keep shampoo in the sauna? I had to buy it all!
Emma, youve gone a bit far. First, our cottage isnt a hotel. You bought the electric shovel, the gear, and the essential oils on your own. Youre welcome to take what you need homesame for the charcoal and grill. We wont pay for the tractor. Clearing the drive was your problemif you wanted to risk it in the snow, thats on you. As for the bulbs, Ill pay for those. Three pounds is fair for replacements, thank you for sorting it.
Alice transferred three pounds eighty to Emmas card, then got up and left, refusing calls or messages. Not wanting any trouble, she and Simon gathered Emma and Peters belongings from the cottage and had them sent by courier.
By then, Mrs. Foster was almost well, and Simon and Alice reclaimed their weekends at the cottage. Emma and Peter were no longer welcome. The friendship faded away, and the generous couple swore off lending their home to anyone else, leaving their friends bewildered and indignant.
We tried to help, looked after their placeand for what? Ungrateful! Emma moaned to Peter. She didnt want the expensive electric shovel, but without a receiptwhich theyd left at the cottageshe couldnt even return it.
