IN SEARCH OF A MISTRESS
Emily, what on earth are you doing? I could hardly believe my eyes as my wife tossed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt at me.
Nothing at all. While youre lazing about in bed, all the mistresses will be snapped up! She yanked the duvet away, and a rush of goosebumps attacked my defenseless body, leaving me shivering.
What are you talking about?
After what you said last nighthow it wouldnt be long before youd have a mistressIve come to a decision. The hour has struck, Tom. Its half-five: up you get, time to hit the randy front lines.
I wasnt being serious. We were arguing, dont you remember? Sorry, I was out of line.
No, no, you were spot on. Its me whos to blame. I let the fire of our passion die out. Used all the petrol on myself. Now theres nothing left but ashesnot even enough to bake a spud, let alone fan the flames. Im setting things right. Get up.
Are you throwing me out?
Im driving you on! Youll be working out daily, shaking all that weight off. A mistress wont put up with a Michelin mascot at her side. Up you get, I mean it!
Knowing there was no escaping her, I obediently slid off the bed and, in a feat of marital penance, struggled into my shorts over my boxers.
Remind me to buy you proper trunks. In this parachute, youd blow right off a lovers bed at the first draught.
After ten minutes jogging around the house under my trainers watchful eye, I staggered back in, half dead, crawling across the floor with my teeth, desperate for bed.
Where do you think youre going? Emily stopped my pathetic caterpillar crawl.
I want to die in bed, peacefully, in my sleep.
No dying allowed. Were looking for a mistress, not a coroner. Off you go for a shower. Twice a day, minimum, from now on. Since you never spared me, at least dont traumatise a stranger with those natural fragrances. And youll have to start brushing your teeth morning AND night! she called from behind the door. Wash your hair properly. Today were off to the photo studio.
What for?
Proper pics for a dating website. I cant take them myself because, lets be honest, I know you inside out. Ill keep seeing the stevedore, the beer-bellied king, and that man who loves fried pasta with butter. But we need to capture a real alpha.
Emily, havent we had enough?
Dont waste your words, Tom, save that wit for some poor, innocent girls ears. Lets pick a candidate.
I perked up a bit at this: secretly, I dont mind scrolling through dating profiles now and then, but this would be the first time I could do it officially, no guilt attached. I started jabbing at the screen with my finger.
How about her?
Are you joking?
Whats the matter?
Tom, when I see your mistress, I should feel ashamed of myself, not you. Just lookyour old Fiesta looked better before we sold it. She could wear a sign: Beware: façade elements liable to detach!
This one then.
THIS, you mean? Good Lord, Tom, how could I ever look people in the face if my husband cheated with any-old-body? Here, look, this ones great!
Dont be daft. Shed never go for me in a million years…
Good grief… Remind me how I ended up with such an insecure Gepetto? What did you do to lure me in all those years ago? How did we make it to fifteen years?
My sense of humour? I hazard a guess.
Tom, lets be honest: if laughter really added years to your life, youd have left me a widow during our honeymoon. Best not to tempt fate. Right, lets get you a proper suit and see if we can reel one in.
Enough, Emily, lets just make up and be done with it.
What row? A mistress is the mark of a successful man. And the wife of one? Well, thats a status symbol too. No sense limiting ourselves to just one mistress, I think.
At the shopping centre, Emily whisked me off to the poshest shop, stripping every mannequin on our way.
Emily, the price on these trousers and jacket! Thats as much as a set of winter tyres I protested as she shoved me into the fitting room.
Dont fuss, well get you some at Boots if need be. Any kind summer, winter, double protection. I dont need any bouquets from another woman in my house.
Emily!
What? Safety first! Were not choosing a scooter here, but the hypotenuse of our obtuse little triangle. You have called your boss?
About what? I ask, slipping my arm into the blazer.
Money, obviously. Youll need a raise if youre to keep two women. Ill cope on cabbage soup at home, but the mistress will expect more: one dinner, three glasses of wine, five-star hotel skimp on anything and the foundations will crumble.
Finally suited up, I adjusted my tie.
Handsome as on our wedding day, Emily brushed away a tear.
It suits you, the woman in the next changing room confirmed.
Would you like him? Were on the hunt for a mistress, you see.
No thanks, she grinned shamelessly, I already have three lovers.
Youre not having that one, Tom, Emily warned sharply, we need someone reliable, like a current account at another bank somewhere safe to transfer funds if needed. Right, perfume next, and then youre off into the wide world.
We wandered the shopping centre for another hour until Emily nodded in satisfaction.
There, Tom, youre ready. Even without the photo. Off you go, but dont forget what Ive taught you: be persistent, courteous, and as confident as when you sold our old Fiesta.
Emily headed off to make cabbage soup, while I trudged into the big wide world, on a quest for the mistress Id been prepped for all day.
An hour later, the intercom rang in our flat.
Good afternoon, miss. Is your husband at home? The voice was unfamiliar, deep as velvet, brimming with desire. Even the crackling speaker couldnt dampen its allure.
Oh… Emily gasped, dropping the ladle as a wave of feeling hit her. No, hes gone to see his mistress.
Perhaps youd let me in, Ive a proposition for you.
The heated tone made Emily flush, then turn ice-cold. For a moment, she considered downing a Lemsip, but, changing her mind, jabbed the entry button three times. Three minutes later, I appeared at the door, clutching a massive red bouquet. I slipped past Emily, guiding her gently by the waist. The hallway suddenly felt stifling.
Have you been crying? I asked, noticing her reddened eyes.
Just a bit. Thought Id made a mess of things. But now I realiseyou need some logs to build a fire.
Well, would you let an attractive and interesting chap join you for this evening? Behind my eyes was a spark of raw passion (and maybe the fifty millilitres of brandy Id downed for courage). Im inviting you to a restaurant, where Ill tell you the remarkable story of your own beauty. Its non-fiction, but Im sure youll love it.
Y-y-yes, Emily stammered, getting into the spirit, let me just take the pot off the hob and put on some mascara.
Ill order the taxi, I nodded.
Where to? She looked at me, beaming foolishly.
A five-star restaurant!
We havent got any of those in town. Just a pizza place called Five Cheeses.
Then thats where well go. Only the best for my mistress.
Wont your wife be jealous?
Well try very hard to make her, I winked.
Looking back, I realised sometimes it takes a bit of play-acting and a dash of mischief to rekindle old fires. The real trick is not to search for love elsewhere, but to rediscover it right at home.
