So, get this my husband brought his mate over to stay with us for just a week, and honestly, I didnt even make a fuss. I just packed my bags and checked myself into a spa hotel.
I was in the kitchen, planning a quiet night in with a good movie, when I heard the front door burst open and my husbands cheery voice booming: Come right in, make yourself at home! Emilyll have dinner on the table in a tick perfect timing, mate! Some heavy thump followed, probably a suitcase.
I froze, ladle still in hand. I wasnt expecting anyone, least of all on a Friday night after a brutal week stuck doing month-end at the office. I put the ladle down, wiped my hands on a tea towel, and went into the hall.
The sight that met me didnt exactly put my mind at ease. My husband, Tom, was grinning ear to ear, helping a hefty bloke in a battered old coat shrug off his sleeves. There was a monstrous sports holdall near the shoe rack, bulging so much I thought the zip would burst.
Oh, Em! Tom lit up even more when he spotted me. Brought a surprise! You remember Paul? We went to uni together, he played guitar better than anyone?
I did remember Paul, if only vaguely. He was always loud at the back of the lecture hall, cadging fags and borrowing notes. Whatever spark the student version had was long gone: now he was all gut and thinning hair, his eyes nosing around our flat with obvious calculation.
Evening, love, he grunted, kicking off his shoes and flinging them haphazardly toward the rack. Nice gaff you got. Roomy.
Good evening, I replied, fixing Tom with a look that probably spoke volumes. He practically itched all over when I was about to have words.
He hurried over, slipped an arm round my shoulders and hissed in my ear, careful that Paulnow washing upcouldn’t hear:
Em, listen. Pauls in a bit of a state. His wifeabsolute nightmarebooted him out. Its her flat, her mums, he wasnt even on the lease. Hes got nowhere to go, hes skint. Only needs to crash here for a week, tops just til he sorts a place, or they patch things up. I couldnt leave an old mate on the street, you know what Im like.
And, unfortunately, I did. Tom has a heart too big for his own good, never able to say noespecially if someone reminisces about good old days or starts tugging at his sympathy.
A week? I repeated, quietly. Tom, weve only got two rooms. Wheres he going to sleep, the lounge? Wherere we supposed to chill in the evenings?
Oh, come on, Em, he waved me off. Its a week, well just have our cuppas in the kitchen for a bit. Hes harmless, honestly. You wont even notice hes here.
The harmless guest came out of the bathroom drying his hands on my favourite guest hand toweljust hung up today.
So, whats for tea? Paul called cheerfully, peering into the kitchen like he owned the place, Ive not eaten all day. Packing my stuff, making my way herenightmare.
Dinner felt less family time and more one-man show. Paul wolfed down stew and sausages like he was stocking up for winter, giving a running commentary the whole time:
Decent stew, fair play. Couldve done with more garlic, though. My ex, Sarah, hers was so thick you could stand a spoon in it. Bit watery this cooking healthy, are you?
I pressed my lips together and said nothing. Tom shot me nervous glances, spooning seconds onto Pauls plate.
Eat up, Paul, eat up. Emilys a lovely cook.
Paul waved him off, pouring himself a shot of vodka hed brought: Itll do, you know, for city folk. Proper blokes like us are used to sturdy grub. Tom, dyou have a beer? Vodkas not right with bangers.
The rest of the night, the telly was blaring so loud the windows rattled. Paul sprawled across our sofa, shouting commentary at the action movie. Tom sat with him, fetching snacks and extra mugs of tea, while I retreated to the bedroom. Tried reading, but Pauls booming laugh and the relentless explosions on-screen leaked through the walls.
The next morning not better. I stumbled into the kitchen to find dishes stacked a mile high in the sink, ketchup and crumbs all over the tablecloth, and the stink of sweat, alcohol, and flat socks hanging in the air. Paul lay snoring, sprawled on the (now-bed) sofa, all mouth open, all limbs. Tom slogged in, looking about as rough as I felt.
Sorry, Em, we were up late, didnt get to clean, he mumbled. Ill sort it when Im home tonight.
Tonight? I checked the clock. So what are you two eating for breakfast? Theres not a clean plate left.
Ill rinse a couple now
I just drank my coffee, grabbed my bag, and left. Couldnt shake the feeling at workI didnt even want to go home that night, to a place Id made so cosy and lovely.
As I feared, nothing improved. The washing up was done, but the plates were streaky. The flat reeked of frying and old smoke. Paul lounged in the kitchen in a mouldy old vest, puffing away with the window open (after Id strictly banned indoor smoking).
Oh, the missus is back! he grinned, blowing smoke up to the lampshade. Weve only just done some chips. Did em ourselves! Had to nip to Tesco for bacon though, Tom sent me as my cards blocked.
I glanced at the stove. The hob was caked in grease, potato peelings everywhere.
Not hungry, I said coldly. Tom, can I have a word?
I led him to the bedroom, closed the door.
Whats with him smoking in my kitchen? Why is it such a tip? You said I wouldnt even notice him!
Em, calm down, Tom tried to hug me, but I sidestepped. Hes just under a lot of stress Well tidy up. Hes a simple guy a bit rough round the edges. Only a week, love, tops. Hes looking for a place, promise.
Is he? Looks like looking means beer and TV?
He called someone today, honest! Em, dont be a misery. Friends show up when times are tough.
The days after that were pure chaos. Paul was always in the flat, claiming unpaid leave. Anything Id cooked for days was gone within hours. He wandered in and out of the shower in nothing but his boxers, the bathroom left soaking every time. He monopolised the telly, left crumbs, took ages in the loo.
But the final straw was Friday.
I came home early, daydreaming of a bath and early night. As soon as I walked in, I heard rowdy laughter and booming music. In the hallway, not just Pauls and Toms shoes, but some womans shiny boots and more blokes trainers.
I peeked in the lounge. Smoggy haze. Paul, a stranger, and a brash woman in too-bright lipstick around my coffee table, now covered in bottles, snacks andGod forgive mesomeone was stubbing a fag in my crystal bonbon dish. Tom sat in the corner, beetroot red, barely meeting my eyes.
Oi oi! Wife alert! Paul yelled. Tom, get her a drink! Emily, meet Nick and Sharon, just a couple of mates. Its only Friday!
I saw a wet ring on my oak table, and the ache in Toms eyes. I didnt scream or throw anyone outI just went very, very calm.
Evening, I said, carefully. I wont get in your way.
I slid away to the bedroom, locked the door. While the party rumble went on, I opened my wardrobe, pulled out a big suitcase and packed with mechanical efficiency: dressing gown, slippers, swimsuit, dresses, comfy trousers, makeup, books. Thank goodness I still had two weeks of annual leave leftand a tidy little savings account Tom hadnt access to.
I flipped open my laptop, found a lovely spa hotel Id always dreamed aboutin Hampshire, with a park view, all meals and spa treatments. Booked a deluxe room. Card out, payment confirmed. Id check in next morning.
After packing, I put in my earplugs and dozed off, letting their racket fade into a distant drone.
Saturday morning, the whole place was silent. The party had wound up late, and the boys were dead to the world. I showered, dressed, grabbed my suitcase, and left a note on the kitchen wreckage. Just: Gone to a spa hotel. Back in a week. No food in the fridge. Please pay this months mortgage yourself.
I slipped out to where my cab was waiting. As it pulled away, I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders.
The first days at the spa were heaven. I strolled snowy grounds, sipped smoothies, swam, curled up with novelsthe phone switched to silent, checked once a day.
By that first evening, Tom was calling. First, missed calls, then messages:
Em, where are you?
This isnt funny. Whereve you gone?
We woke up and youre not here.
Theres nothing to eat, couldve made soup before you left.
I smiled, put my phone away, and went off for a chocolate wrap treatment.
Day three, the tone shifted.
Emily, answer your phone! Where are the clean socks?
How does the washing machine work? Its flashing at me!
Pauls asking where spare towels are. Hes made a mess.
Weve run out of washing powder and bog roll. Wheres the stockpile?
I replied to just one: Washing machine instructions are online. Theres a shop nearby for powderif you can find cash for vodka, you can buy soap.
Day four, Tom finally called while I was enjoying a herbal tea.
Em! At last. When are you coming back? I cant take it!
Whats wrong, Tom? I said, soothingly. Im relaxing, got a massage soon.
Its chaos! Paulhes taken the mickey. Had mates over for the match, shouting for hours. Mrs Jenkins downstairs called the police! I had to give a statement! Got a fine!
Well, you did say hes a good bloke and needed help, I replied, all wide-eyed sweetness. Youre helping him. Youre the man of the house. Sort it out.
But theres nothing to eat! I get in, knackered, the place is a tip, Paul shouts for dinner! Says Im a rubbish host!
And whats that got to do with me? You heard your mateIm a city daisy, I cant cook. Get him to show you how to fry bacon. Itll be educational.
I cant chuck him out, hes my mate Toms voice whined.
Thats your choice, Tom. Your mate, your mess. Ill be back Sunday night. If the flat isnt spotless or if theres a whiff of Paul left, Ill go stay with Mum. And file for divorce. Not a threat, just a fact.
Hung up. Went for a facial, feeling lighter than air. Used to be Id tiptoe round, anxious not to upset him. But turns out, patience isnt always a virtuesometimes it means youre letting people walk all over you.
The rest of the week zipped by. I slept better than I had in years, my skin glowed, my frown lines faded.
Sunday evening, back home. Lift up to our floor, suitcase heavy but my heart light. Ready for anythingif Tom fumbled it, that said it all.
I unlocked the flat.
It smelled of bleach, lemon, andmiracle of miraclesa nicely-roasted chicken. No sports bags, no random shoes. Toms own stood neatly lined up.
Tom poked his head round the kitchen door, looking battered, deep shadows under his eyes, but freshly shaved, clean shirt on.
Hi he said, sheepishly.
Everywhere, sparkling clean. Sofa put away, rugs hoovered, telly off. Not a sticky mark or an empty can in sight. The air was crisp, with the windows cracked open.
Kitchen gleaming. Chicken in the oven.
Wheres Paul? I asked, slinging off my coat.
Tom sighed, leaning against the doorframe. Kicked him out. Thursday, after you called.
You did? I was genuinely surprised. Didnt that feel awkward?
You know, Em he rubbed his nose. When he started ordering me abouttelling me to get him beer because kick-offs about to start, and Id only just got in, scrubbing pans hed ruined… I just snapped. Told him to get his things and leave.
And what did he do?
He kicked off. Called me hen-pecked. Went on about me choosing skirts over mates, moaned about trauma and demanded taxi money. Gave him a tenner, packed his bag, and changed the locks. Cleaned the flat for two days straight. Took Mrs Jenkins some chocolates by way of apology.
Tom came closer, took my hands in his, palms still rough from all the scrubbing.
Im sorry, Em. I was an idiot. I genuinely thought itd be easy. I just I didnt realise. Got so used to you doing everything, food just appearing, the place magically clean. I couldnt believe how hard it was. How do you do it, on top of your job?
I saw something new in his eyesreal understanding of what home comfort costs.
I do it, Tom, because I care about us. But I never signed up for playing housemaid to spongers.
I get it now. No more houseguests. Ever. And Pauls blocked, after the nasty texts. Never again.
Sit down, you daft thing, I smiled. Your chickens nearly burning.
That evening, we ate in peace, Tom settling the best bits onto my plate and pouring my tea for me.
How was the spa? he asked, nervous.
Heavenly. Ive decided Im going every six months now. And you should try cooking more than just scrambled eggswho knows when I might fancy another week away!”
Ill learn, promise.
Next day, I heard from a friend that Paul had slunk back to his exs mums, caused a scene there, and now his ex-wife was taking him to court for eviction and a stack of unpaid loan debts he somehow forgot to mention. Apparently, hed lost his job weeks ago. All that about suddenly being thrown out was a ruse for finding a free bed and someone to moan at.
Tom just shook his head and squeezed my hand tighter. That was lesson learned. No more letting the world barge past our front door. And I realised, sometimes, you dont need to shout to be heard. You just have to quietly disappear, and let others face the mess they make.
That experience changed both of us. No, Tom didnt become Mary Poppins overnight, but he never again took my effort for granted. He finally learned how to say no. Later, when his cousin rang up wanting to crash for a couple of days, Tom just gave him a list of decent local B&Bs.
I overheard from the kitchen, making soup, and couldnt help but smile. Spa breaks are wonderful, but coming home is even betterespecially when youre valued.
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