There Will Be No Forgiveness
Have you ever thought about looking for your mother?
The question came so suddenly that Victoria nearly jumped. She was at the kitchen table, sorting through stacks of paperwork shed brought home from the office, one hand carefully steadying the teetering pile. Now, her hands slowed and fell to her lap as she turned to Charles. The bewilderment in her eyes was unmistakablehow could he even think of such a thing? Why would she ever want to find the woman who had, with a casual sweep, upended nearly all the paths her life might have taken?
Of course not, Victoria replied, her voice steady but strained. What a preposterous idea. Why on earth would I want to do that?
Charles flushed, running a hand through his hair as if to gather his thoughts. He managed a small, self-conscious smile, already regretting having spoken.
Its just he began awkwardly, well, you hear about so many people from childrens homes or foster backgrounds, longing to find their real parents. I thought If ever you wanted to, Id help you. Truly.
Victoria shook her head. Something heavy pressed in her chest, as if an invisible hand were squeezing her ribs. She took a long breath, trying to calm the flicker of irritation. She looked at Charles again.
Thank you, but theres no need, she said, her voice firmer, a shade louder. I will never look for her. That woman ceased to exist for me long ago. Ill never forgive her!
The words came out sharp, and so they must. Otherwise, she would be forced to dredge up old wounds, pour her heart out before her fiancé. She loved him deeplytrulybut there are things best left buried, not even shared with those we hold closest. So she bent over her files again, feigning absorption in work.
Charles frowned, but let it pass. He clearly didnt like Victorias cold response. He could never quite grasp why she felt so strongly. For him, mothers were almost sacred; whether they raised you or not, the simple fact a woman bore a childbrought one into the worldwas a kind of hallowed act. He truly believed there was a bond between mother and child nothingneither time nor fatecould break.
But Victoria rejected all such sentiment outright. For her, it was clear: how could anyone want to see someone who treated them with such callousness? Her so-called mother hadn’t simply sent her to a childrens homeit was far worse, and far more painful than that.
Years ago, when Victoria was still a teenager, shed finally been driven to question the past that gnawed at her. She approached the headmistress of the childrens home, Mrs. Edith Brown, a strict but just woman the children respected.
Why am I here? Victoria had asked, quietly but intently. Did my mother die? Or was she stripped of her rights? Something serious must have happened, surely?
Mrs. Brown paused, her papers forgotten on her desk as she considered how to answer. After a heavy silence, she gestured kindly to a chair.
Victoria sat, her fingers white around the seat, anxiety twisting in her gut. Shed long suspected this moment would bring some truth that would change her understanding of everything.
She lost her rights and was prosecuted, Mrs. Brown said at last, carefully choosing her words. Her calm manner belied the troubled look in her eyes. Here was a bitter truth, the sort kept from most children, but Mrs. Brown had always believed it better to know than to live with lies.
She paused a moment, thoughtful, then continued.
You came to us at four and a half. A few local people reported seeing a small, lost child wandering the street alone. You were tiny and bewildered. We later found youd been left on a bench at Euston station, and your mother simply boarded a train and left. It was autumn, chilly and damp. You wore only a thin coat and wellies. After several hours, you were hospitalised with pneumonia and needed weeks to recover.
Victoria sat utterly still, her hands clenched, though her face remained an unreadable mask. If anything, her eyes darkened, as if clouds had gathered behind her gaze. She didnt speak, not even when Mrs. Brown continued gently.
She was found and tried, Mrs. Brown went on. Her excuse? She allowed herself a sad, humourless smile. She said she had no money, and a job had come upone that didnt allow children on site. It was at a guest house, something like that. Apparently, it was simpler to leave you behind and start afresh.
Victorias hands slowly unclenched. She stared ahead, lost somewhere in a forgotten autumn morning she could no longer recall.
I understand, she said at last, her voice flat, toneless. Then she looked up at Mrs. Brown, adding, Thank you for telling me the truth.
In that moment, she knew herself: she would never look for that womannever. Any curiosity that had sometimes flickered at the edges of her mindmight she, one day, look into her eyes and simply ask whywas gone forever.
To leave your own child on a park bench, alone, with nothinghow could anyone do such a thing? Had the woman who bore her really been so utterly without conscience or mercy? Anything could have happened to a little girl left on a chilly London pavement.
“An act of a beast, not a human,” Victoria would tell herself bitterly. She tried, honestly tried, to imagine some justification. Perhaps her mother had been desperate. Perhaps she truly had no choice. Perhaps, by her own logic, it might even have seemed better for Victoria.
But every such excuse crumbled under the weight of the plain facts. Why not sign the necessary forms? Why not bring her to the authorities safely? Why gamble with a childs life on a cold October street?
She turned these thoughts over again and again, searching for answers. None came. None softened the blow. What happened was nothing less than a deliberate, calculated casting-off, as if of nothing more than unwanted luggage.
With each turn of the memory, Victorias resolve deepened. No. She would never seek that woman out or ask her anything; no understanding in the world could undo what had been. As for forgivingshe simply could not.
And with that certainty came a strange, almost physical releaselike shackles falling away.
***
Ive got a surprise! Charles was beaming, his face aglow as if hed won a fortune. He stood in the front hallway, almost dancing on the balls of his feet, itching to unveil whatever he had planned. Youll never guess! Quickly nowno one should be kept waiting!
Victoria paused at the door to the sitting room, a teacup in hand gone cold. She eyed Charles in confusion, then put the cup carefully down. What sort of surprise? And why did some nameless apprehension coil inside her, a thin string pulled tight, ready to snap?
Where are we going? she tried to sound unconcerned.
Youll see! Charless grin widened, seizing her hand and leading her out. Trust me, youll love it.
Victoria allowed herself to be led, but dread twisted in her stomach. She pulled on her coat by rote and followed him outside. During the walk to the park she tried to guess. A music hall show? A meeting with old friends? Nothing seemed likely.
In the park, Victorias gaze landed immediately on a woman sitting on a bench near the avenue. She was plainly but neatly dressed: a dark coat, scarf around her throat, a small bag resting on her knees. Something about her face nagged at Victoria, though she couldnt place itperhaps an acquaintance of Charless, or someone he wanted her to meet?
Charles strode ahead, Victoria trailing and still puzzling over it. As they neared, the woman raised her eyes and smiled faintly. Something fluttered hard inside Victoriashe suddenly saw, superimposed on this strangers face, her own, decades on.
Victoria, Charles announced, as if reading a proclamation to the town square, I have found your mother after a long search. Are you happy?
Victoria stood rooted, the world seeming to hold its breath. How dare he? She had made herself perfectly clearshe did not ever wish to see that woman.
Darling! Youve grown into such a beautiful woman! The woman rushed forward, arms open, her voice trembling, eyes shining genuinely, as though truly glad.
But Victoria recoiled, stepping stiffly away, as if to build more distance.
Its me, your mother! the woman went on, ignoring Victorias coldnessor refusing to see it. Ive searched for you for years! Youve always been in my thoughts, always
It wasnt easy, believe me! Charles added, glowing with pride. It took friends, phone calls, letter-writing, all sorts of things. But I did it for you!
His speech was suddenly cut short by a resounding slap. Victorias hand flashed out by pure instinct, and her eyes filled, brimming with rage and hurt. She stared at Charles, disbelief etched on her faceafter everything, how could he? Hadnt she said more than once that her mother was a closed chapter?
What on earth are you doing? Charles gasped, clutching his cheek, utterly blindsided. I only meant to help! I just wanted to do something good
Victoria said nothing. She couldnther heart boiled with fury and pain. Charles, whom she had trusted with all she was, had pulled out one of her deepest wounds for inspection. Something she had locked away, he had displayed under summer light, all because of his own good intentions.
The woman, standing awkwardly beside them, glanced in confusion between Victoria and Charles. It was clear she was at a loss, wanting to speak, but falling silent at her daughters expression.
I never asked you to find her, Victoria managed at last, her voice measured though her whole being trembled. I told you plainlyI dont want this! Yet you did it anyway!
Charles lowered his hand, aggrieved, but fell silent. He searched Victorias face for any sign that she would rethink, would soften, but saw only steely resolve.
I told you, I dont want to hear about this woman! Victorias voice trembled with suppressed anger. She met Charless eye, her own brimming not just with hurt but something more ancienta deep, gnawing pain. She left me at a railway station when I was fouralone! On a bench, surrounded by strangers! With nothing but a light coat! And you think I should just forgive that?
Charles paled, but did not yield. He stood taller, as if his words could compel her.
Shes your mother. It doesnt matter what she did. A mother is a mother!
At this, the woman stepped forward. Her voice was hesitant, apologetic, as if hoping to explain, though she scarcely believed her own words.
You were poorly often, and I barely had money for medicine, she began, weighing every word. The job was my chance. I would have come back for you, truly. We could have been together again
Victoria turned to her sharply. There was no compassion at all in her eyes, only a hard-won, bone-deep bitterness.
Come back from where? The grave? Her voice was acerbic, but she couldnt hold her tongue. You could have gone to Social Services, signed a temporary guardianship. You could have left me at a hospital if I was ill so often! But not on the street! Not in the cold, not alone!
Charles fumbled for her hand, perhaps trying to calm the storm. He gently closed his fingers around her wristshe jerked away as if scalded, not even glancing at him.
The past is gone. You must live in the present! he pressed, persuading as much himself as her. Didnt you once say you wanted family at our wedding? Now your wish can come true
Victoria stared at him, the disappointment in her eyes enough to make Charles step back.
I invited Mrs. Brown, my old headmistress, and Mrs. Edwards, my foster carer, her voice dropped, but grew stronger. They were my real family! They were there when I needed them most. They supported, taught, and cared for me. Theyve been my parents.
Wrenching her hand free, Victoria turned and fled the park, not looking back. Her feet barely touched the ground as she rushed through the winding paths, past the flowerbeds and benches, away from the conversation, away from the man shed trusted most in the world. A storm raged inside her so fierce it hurt to breathe. She never could have imagined such a betrayal.
Shed hidden nothing from Charlesshe told him everything of her childhood, the loneliness, the months at the childrens home, the nights she hoped her mother might return. Charles had listened, nodded, promised he understood. And yet, hed tracked her down, brought her here. Shes your motherit doesnt matter what shes done. Those words echoed, drawing forth another sharp burst of anger.
Never! Victoria vowed. She would never allow that woman access to her life. Never pretend nothing had happened.
Without slowing her stride, Victoria left the park and walked the streets of London, not caring which way she went. Her mind spun, haunted by the sight of her mothers weary, anxious face, held in an attempted smile. Victoria pressed her fists together, trying to banish the image. All she wanted was to be as far from everything as possible.
She didnt even return to grab her things from Charless flat. Thankfully, she had little therejust a bag or two of clothes and a few personal items. Most of her belongings were still in the council flat shed been allocated after care. It made things easier, anyway. The main thing was to keep away, now, while the pain was fresh and every memory of Charles stung.
Her phone thrummed in her pocketCharles calling again and again. Victoria looked at the screen and saw his name, but ignored it. If she spoke now, she might say anything, something that would burn later with regret. Best to wait till the worst rage passed.
Still Charles persisted. After his calls, the voicemails started. His tone was tight, almost angry.
Victoria, youre acting like a child! I was only trying to help, and you Youre simply ungrateful! This is a tantrum, nothing but a tantrum!
The next was sharper still:
Ive made my decision. Linda is coming to the wedding. End of. I wont be changing plans because of your whims. Well have a proper family, and our children will call her Grandmother. Thats normal, thats right!
Victoria let the messages play out as she stood shivering at the bus stop, feeling herself curl inward. She switched off her phone, shoved it deep into her pocket, and looked skywards. Her whole world felt as if it had cleanly split, and she had no idea how to mend it.
She stared at the phone screen for a long time, rereading Charless last, unbending messages. Linda is coming to the wedding. Full stop. The words hammered at her, denying her even the smallest space to hope for compromise.
She opened her messages, typed a short reply, read it over and over. Clear, simple, unmistakable: “There will be no wedding. I dont wish to see younor her.
She hit send. Watched for the tick mark, confirming it was delivered, then put the phone aside.
Almost instantly, another call flashed upCharles again. Victoria ignored it. A flurry of further messages came through but she didnt read them. Instead, she opened her contact list, found Charless number, and without a shade of hesitation, blocked him.
Her phone lay silentthe calls, the pings, all gone. Quiet surrounded her, wrapping her up like a blanket, bringing a rare sense of peace.
Perhaps she might regret her decision later. Perhaps. But nowright nowit was the only thing that felt right. She could already sense the storm abating, leaving behind a tired, almost crystalline clarity.
She knew this much: there could never be a future with someone who could do such a thing. And that, at last, brought her a kind of peace.












