First Love
I stood by the restaurant door, glancing anxiously at my watch and then back at the entrance. Around me my former classmates chattered nonstop, the boys and girls Id known in school now grown into a crowd of uncles and aunts.
But I wasnt waiting for them. I was waiting for Victoria, my very first, purest love. The little bell over the door jingled, and as the door swung open everything else seemed to fade away. She was there, a bright ray of light in the glooma slender, striking girl with soft curls resting on her shoulders and mischievous blue eyes that sparkled.
I leapt from my seat.
Hello, Lily, I said, the name spilling out before I could stop myself.
Hi, Oliver, she replied with a smile.
In that instant the years slipped back, as if we were teenagers again, standing outside a classroom while I handed her a Valentine. She took it and returned a light, warm smile that held nothing but kindness.
I reached for her hands, her delicate fingers cool to the touch.
Im so glad to see you. You look wonderful, I whispered.
Thank you, Im glad to see you too, she said, lowering her eyes just the way she had after our first kiss, a little shy.
A group of Lilys friends pushed past us, laughing as they joined her. The rest of the evening I spent lost in thought.
From the first day I liked Lily, I was like any other ladtugging at her braids, nudging her on the playground, never quite sure how to catch her attention. I helped her carry her bag, wrote her cards and verses. At the school leavers we shared our first kiss, then strolled through town watching the sunrise. After that we started dating.
But life isnt a fairytale. University pulled us in different directions. New friends, fresh interests, a whole new routine. At first we called each other often, then the calls grew sparse, and eventually they stopped altogether. Victoria married, I married, each of us building our own lives. Yet I could never shake Victoria from my mind. I loved my wife, but there was something magical about Lily that lingered in the deepest corner of my hearta warm, familiar comfort that lifted me on the darkest days.
A few years into marriage I filed for divorce. It was quiet, amicable, a decision we made together, and I was grateful to her for that. I tried to start new relationships, but none felt right. Every now and then Id stumble across a photo of Lily on social media and smile at memories of our walks through the park, the rustcoloured autumn lanes. I berated myself for not being able to erase her, but the thoughts stayed anchored.
When the tenyear reunion was announced, I learned that Lily had also ended her marriage. It felt like a forbidden thrill, and I was over the moon. Id been waiting for this day, eager to speak with her again. As the evening drew near, I found myself on the doorstep of the old hall.
Lily I began, my heart hammering, a chill running through my veins, desperate to pour out everything Id kept inside.
I know this sounds odd, but listen, I continued. All my life Ive felt something for you. Dont laugh. Its my first, pure love. Ive tried to forget, Ive tried, but I cant. I never wanted to trouble you while you were married. Now, perhaps we could try? Let me take you out. Im ready to do anything for you. Do you believe me?
She fidgeted with the chain around her neck, her gaze distant, glasslike.
Oliver, its nice to hear such words. I feel a warm affection for you tooit does feel like that first, untouched love. But I think we should leave it just as a sweet memory, not let it sour by any arguments or daily grind.
It felt as if the world were collapsing. I had been sure shed say yes.
Lily, why? Why do you think well only ruin it? Perhaps we could make it better. Maybe fate meant us to be together, and we just missed the chance.
She smiled, but it was a sad smile.
Oliver, youre a good man, she started, then paused, took a breath, and said, I dont love you, and I never will.
Tears welled up, and I stormed back into the restaurant, grabbed my coat and fled without a word, leaving Lily sobbing on the step. Back at my flat I deleted every socialmedia account, left all the class groups, erased Lilys number and drowned my sorrows in drink.
Anger gave way to resignation, the ache softened, and life went on. I tried to blot out every trace of Lily. A year slipped by unnoticed while I prepared a work project. My phone buzzed; it was Emma, a former classmate. I wasnt looking to date anyone, so I silenced it. Work consumed me, and by evening Id missed twentyeight calls. Something in me twitched.
I finally called Emma back, my heart thudding.
Oliver, thank heavens you answered, she said.
Emma, what do you want? If its about meeting up, Im not, I began.
Oliver, Lilys dead.
The words hit me like ice. A heavy block of grief crashed over me, shattering my chest.
What died? I asked, voice barely a whisper.
We need to meet. She asked me to tell you something. Can we talk now? she pleaded.
I can.
We met at a coffee shop. Emmas eyes were red, makeup barely masking the tears.
Oliver, listen. A year ago at the reunion, after you left, I found Lily on the steps, crying, having a panic attack. When I calmed her, she confided that she was seriously ill. Doctors gave her only a few months, no exact date. She didnt want you to see her suffering. She wanted you to keep only the beautiful memories, the first pure love. Thats why she turned you away so sharply. She feared youd stay by her side and watch her fade, and that would break your heart. She held on for a year. Her funeral is tomorrow; please come, she wanted it that way. Emma wiped her cheeks and left.
The next morning rain hammered the streets. I waited until everyone else had gone, standing alone with Lilys memory.
How could this be, Lily? We could have spent that last year together. I could have given you all the love you deserved. I was selfish, only thinking of my own pain. I betrayed you. What do I do now? How do I live without you? I shouted into the downpour.
Oliver, you mustnt end yourself, a voice whispered.
I turned. There she stood, as radiant as ever in a white dress, delicate as a porcelain doll, blue eyes bright, curls untouched by the rain.
Lily? I whispered, staring at what seemed a phantom.
My dear Oliver, I want you to live a long, full life. Youll meet another woman, have children, grandchildren, travel and find joy. All that will happen, but youll never truly forget me, because fate brought us together once and we missed our chance. Well be reunited one dayafter youve lived your whole life. If you take your own life, well never meet again. So stay, love, stay and wait for that reunion.
She brushed my cheek; her hand passed through me, yet I felt a fleeting warmth. When I opened my eyes, she was gone.
Alright, my love, Ill wait for our meeting, I murmured.
Years later I married again, had three children and seven grandchildren. I travelled far and wide, lived a life full of stories. When my time finally came, my family gathered around me. I smiled, took a breath, and said,
Im off to my first, pure love. At long last Ill be happy.
With that, I gave one last sigh and slipped away, a tranquil smile on my face.
