My brother refuses to let Mum stay in a care home, but he also wont take her in himselfhe claims theres no room!
For the past three months, my brother and I have been constantly arguing about what to do with Mum. Ever since her stroke, shes not been herself. She wanders off, forgets everything, needs someone with her all the time. She requires constant care. And its all fallen onto my shoulders. It feels like Im looking after a toddler. Ive got a job, a home, a familyhow am I supposed to split myself in two? I suggested a care home, but my brother shouted at me, accusing me of heartlessness. Yet, at the same time, he wont take her back to his place. He lives in his wifes flat, after all.
We used to be a tight-knit family. The classic four-person setup. Only a year separated me and my brotherme, Alice Turner, and my brother, Jack. Our parents had us late in life. Im thirty-six now, Jack is thirty-five, and Mum is seventy-two. Until Dad died, everything ticked along.
Then Jack left for university in Bristol and never came back, settled down and married. I stayed in Norwich, our hometown, where I put down roots. At first, I lived with my parents, but after marrying Simon, we chose to rent our own flat. The plan was to buy a home eventually and have children. That was how things were meant to go.
Then just two years ago, Dad passed away and Mum fadedshe became withdrawn and lost herself in memories of him. In an instant, she was old. Her health collapsed, and six months ago, she suffered a stroke. We thought that was the end. She couldnt speak properly, her arms and legs wouldnt cooperate. Slowly, she recovered some, but her mind was somehow left behind.
Doctors insist the damage cannot be undone. So I had to look after Mum. Simon and I moved into her house. I left my job and started working freelance, needing to be there for her. She couldnt be left alone. Even when her mobility returned, nothing was easier.
She babbled, got confused, darted from the house; we ran after her, coaxing her home when she insisted Dad was waiting somewhere for her. It became a surreal game. I couldnt sleep properly. Constantly terrified shed slip away. My work sufferedI couldnt concentrate for more than five minutes at a time. Simon suggested a care home.
Its expensive, but a decent one is within reach if we get help. Simon said, “Youve a brother, Alice. He ought to chip in, too. Thats whats fair.”
I wrestled with the idea for ages, but I realised I had no choice. How long could this go on? At least there shed have round-the-clock care and medical help. I visited, asked every question. The fees were staggering, but what could I do?
I called Jack and explained the situation, hoping for sense. I laid out the facts, everything as it is. But instead, he exploded.
“Have you lost your mind, Alice? How could you ship off Mum like that? Everyone there is a stranger! What do you know about how shell be treated? Youre cold-hearted!” he bellowed down the phone. “Or do you simply want rid of her?”
I tried to defend myself, but he wouldnt listen. So I carried on caring for Mum. But soon, I realised I was running out of steam. I spoke to him again, but Jack hadnt changed his mind.
“I couldnt do this to our mother,” he said. “She raised us, gave us a home. We werent brought up in some orphanage, were we? And she never complained it was hard with us. We owe her, both of us. Whys it all on you?”
“If you dont like my solution, you can take her with you, prove how kind you are.”
“You know I live with my wife in her flat. How could I convince her to take care of Mum?”
“Well, Simon could look after his mother-in-law, so why shouldnt your Emily?” I retorted.
“You and Simon live with Mum; thats why he looks after her.”
I told Jack, “I can leave anytime. Then you and Emily can move in. Or do you only work because you fancy shirking your duty?”
He hesitated, mumbling he couldnt be distracted from work. That I was just trying to wriggle out of responsibility.
Life feels like a never-ending nightmare. Part of me knows I need to put her in the care homeit would make life simpler for everyone involved. But another part dreads feeling like a heartless daughter. Simon supports me. He says theyll take good care of her, and we need our own life too.
I decided to wait a week. If Jack doesnt show, Ill do what I must. Thats best for all of us. Ill move her into the care home. Its easy for others to give advice. But only I know how exhausting it is to care for someone so ill. Jack can come up with excuses for his friendsIm not listening anymore.
