The plates sat untouched on the dining table, the food long gone cold. Emma stared at them, though she wasn’t really seeing anything. What she did see, clear as day, were the digits on the clock as they ticked onwards, almost mockingly slow. 22:47.
David had promised to be back by nine. Like always.
The phone was silent.
I couldn’t even muster up anger anymore.
Whatever spark had existed inside me had burnt itself out completely, leaving only a weary kind of chill behind.
It was gone midnight when the key finally scraped in the lock.
I didnt bother to look up. I sat wrapped in a blanket on the sofa, gazing at nothing.
Evening, love. Sorry, work kept me back, Davids voice was tired with that forced, hollow cheerfulness he always had when he was fibbing.
He leaned in to kiss my cheek, but I shrank away, almost without thinking about it. If it stung, he didnt say.
Is something the matter? he asked, unwinding his scarf.
Do you know what day it is today? My voice was flat and lifeless.
He paused for a second, thinking.
Wednesday. Why?
Its my mums birthday. We were supposed to pop round with the cake tonight. You promised, remember?
David’s expression changed in a heartbeat. The smile faded, replaced by awkward shame and something like panic.
Oh, Em, Im so sorry. It completely slipped my mind. Works been simply mad. Ill ring her tomorrow, I promise.
He headed towards the kitchen. I could hear him faffing about, drawer handles, cutlery clinking. That was always his way busying himself with pots and pans whenever he didn’t want to deal with the awkward moments.
But I was done being easy on him. I got up and lingered in the kitchen doorway.
David, who exactly were you working with until nearly eleven this evening?
He spun around, a carton of milk in his hand trembling.
With the team. Weve a new project and deadlines are tight. You know how it is.
I do, I nodded. But I also know you rang someone at three this afternoon and said, Helen, I get it, but I have to fix this.
Helen. His ex-wife. Her shadow had hung about for all three years together. A chill that carried with it all those unspoken grievances and regrets.
He went pale.
Were youeavesdropping?
No need. You were talking so loudly in the bathroom, I could hear you from the spare room.
He dropped the milk on the table and slumped into a chair.
Its not what you think.
And what do you think Im meant to think? My voice actually had emotion for the first time that evening. That you’re always on edge? That you disappear late almost every night? That you look right through me like Im not even there? What, are you trying to get back with her? Say it, David. I can take it.
He stared down at his hands. Capable hands, hands that could fix anything mechanical, but clearly never learned how to build happiness.
Im not running back to her, he said quietly.
Then what? Youre seeing her, arent you?
No! There was such a desperate honesty in his eyes, for a moment I didnt know what to believe. Em, truly. Nothing like that.
Then what?! What exactly are you trying to ‘fix’? I almost shouted. Paying off her debts? Sorting out her mess? Living her life instead of ours?
He just sat there, mute.
It all came pouring out, words Id been stifling for months.
Go, David. If shes who you want, or anyone else, just go. Do whatever it is you need to do. Set things right but leave me out of it. I cant live like this. And I wont.
I turned to go, but he jumped up and blocked my exit.
Theres nowhere for me to go! Theres no Helen, not now, not ever! II dont even understand whats going on myself. I justI want to make it right!
He turned away, swallowing hard.
Say what you mean, for once, I barely whispered.
You want to know what Im trying to fix? he snapped, then slumped again. Myself. Im trying to fix myself, and I just cant. Youre not her. Youre more patient, kinder, you believed in me when even I gave up on myself. Somehow, it should have worked with you. I ought to be different better. But Im not. I keep messing it all up: I forget birthdays, stay at work though I know youre waiting, I clam up when I ought to talk. I see the light fading in your eyes, just like in hers.
I said nothing.
I dont want to find someone else, he carried on in a whisper. Im terrified itll happen all over again. That Ill miss the important things and break her too again. I dont know how to be a proper husband, to just live side by side, quietly, day after day. I destroy everything around me, and so I end up clinging to a tightrope, scared to fall. And youyoure as lifeless with me now as I am with you
David looked at me. This time, his gaze was hollow, but finally honest.
So its not you. Not Helen. Its me.
I listened to his haphazard confessions and suddenly saw it so clearly: No, David hadn’t betrayed me with another woman. He’d betrayed me with his own fear. He wasnt a villain. He was just lost and didnt know how to carry on.
So what now, David? I asked softly. You realise all this. What are you going to do?
I dont know, he admitted simply.
Then go and sort yourself out, I blurted out. See a counsellor, read every book you can find, bash your head against the wall do something. But stop running in circles, waiting for some magic fix. There is no button that makes it all better. Theres only hard work, with yourself. Go and get on with it. Alone.
Without me.
I walked out of the kitchen, past him, into the hallway and put my coat on.
***
The front door clicked shut. He was left alone, the silence broken only by the gentle patter of rain on the window. He walked to the glass, watching as my figure vanished, swallowed by the downpour, and felt a heavy weight settle in his chest.
This failure of his was no longer a ghost. It was present in that quiet flat, in the cold food, in the hands that couldnt hold on to anything.
Instead of chasing after me, he reached for a bottle of brandy.
Looking back now, as I write this: some of us arent taken away by someone else, or even by some wicked deed. Sometimes, the greatest betrayal is letting your own fears rob you of happiness. If theres a lesson in all this, its that you cant save a relationship until you first find your own footing. I learned, at last, to choose myself.
