Mother-in-law Swiped the Delicacies from My Fridge Before Leaving
Are you sure we need this much sliced meat? This smoked ham, Alice, it costs an arm and a leg, Tom twisted the vacuum-packed piece of meat in his hands, staring at the price tag as though it predicted his own demise.
Alice carried on unpacking the shopping bags, laying gleaming red bell peppers, a squat jar of caviar with a golden lid, a hefty bar of parmesan, and bottles of wine across the kitchen table. The room filled with the scent of fresh bread and smoked meat.
Tom, its your birthday, she replied evenly as she stowed the milk in the fridge. Thirty-five is a milestone. Your mates are coming, your mums coming. You want the table to look like a student flat, with just boiled potatoes and a bit of pickled herring? I got a fantastic bonus at work, let me do things properly for onceno shame for a change!
Id not be ashamed of potatoes, he grumbled but instead of putting the ham back, tucked it carefully onto the fridge shelf. Just you wait, though. Mumll kick off again about us throwing money away. You know her: You should save, pay off the mortgage faster.
Shell moan either way, Alice sighed, pulling out the salad bowl. Buy something poshwere spendthrifts. Buy something cheapwere paupers, feeding her son rubbish. I stopped caring about Sandras opinions ages ago. Its your party. And anyway, Ive hunted this ham down all over Londonits exactly the same you ate in Spain five years back. Remember?
Toms expression softened, a smile crept in. I remember. It was wicked. All right, all right, you win. May as well do it up. Just, lets rip off the price tags, or Mum might keel over.
Preparations went into full swing. Alice relished cooking, but only when left alone. Today, thanks to sods law, Sandra had promised to arrive early, to help the girl out. That phrase always sent a twitch down Alices back. Her mother-in-laws help usually meant planting herself firmly on the comfiest kitchen chair, blocking the path, dispensing advice, and criticising everything from the onion chopping to the curtain colour.
At two oclock, the doorbell rang. Tom went to answer. Alice, bracing herself, donned her best polite smile.
And heres the birthday boy! boomed Sandras voice. Give us a kiss, love! Youre skin and bone, honestly. No wonder, eating those dreadful supermarket ready meals.
Mum, give over, Alice cooks brilliantly, Tom tried, helping Sandra out of her thick coat.
Oh, dont argue with your mother. I can see youeyes sunken. Hello, Alice.
Sandra cruised into the kitchen like an icebreaker on the Thames. Clutching her bottomless shopping bag, she sat herself down.
Hello, Sandra. Lovely to see you. The kettles just boiled.
Tea can wait. She dismissed Alice and put her bag on a stool. Ive brought treats for you, so you youngsters dont starve.
She started unfolding her gifts on the table: a huge jar of home-pickled gherkins in cloudy brine, a carrier of wrinkled apples from her garden, and some battered Daisy sweets, probably relics from her teaching days.
My own gherkinsno nasty chemicals, she announced with pride. And the apples are pure vitamin. Cut the bad bits off, make a stew.
Thank you, Alice nodded, carefully avoiding staring at the brine.
Already, Sandra settled in, with the fridge openher ritual checking for space, but Alice knew it was really an inspection.
Oh my word, Sandra drawled, eyeing up the rows of delicacies. Caviar? Real caviar? Two bloody jars? Tom, did you win the lottery? Or did Alice rob Barclays?
It was a bonus, Mum, Tom mumbled, sneaking a bit of cheese from the board.
Bonus Of course. Rather than help your mother, with her fence falling down, you eat caviar by the spoon. Never mind, your business. Im simple, I dont need much.
Sandra slammed the fridge shut and took up her favourite spot, blocking the sink.
Well, lets see what youve cooked up, Alice. Ill just rest a moment, my legs are killing. Blood pressure through the roof this morning, but here I amhad to see my lad. Heroic, really.
Three hours of chaos followed. Alice darted from hob to counter, chopping, mixing, roastingSandra commenting every step: Too much mayo, love, thatll clog your arteries. Why buy such expensive bread? You can get a loaf at Tesco for 50p. You didnt tenderise the meattoo tough.
Alice said nothing, letting the flood of words flow past like white noise, just clinging on for dear life until evening.
By six, Toms mates began to arrive. They brought laughter and clouds of aftershave. The table groaned under the spreadroast pork, aubergine rolls with walnuts, tartlets topped with caviar, the precious ham, three kinds of cheese, mountains of salad and hot mains.
Once everyone was settled, the first toast for Toms health was raisedand Sandra promptly launched the story relay.
Tommy, my dear, she dabbed her eyes with a napkin. I remember the day you were born. The agony two whole days
The friends, polite, endured the birth story for the fifteenth time. Alice took the chance to snag some salad.
And now, youre grown and married. Well, things are as they are, her gaze flicked pointedly to Alice, Just so long as youre happy. Food isnt the main thing, you know. Alice tried, certainly, bought all sorts of pricey things. But Id have done something simpler, more homely. Nowadays, everything for show.
She forked a chunk of smoked eel into her moutha delicacy Alice had hunted for at a specialty fish shopthen chewed noisily. Hmm. Fish is fish. Bit salty, if you ask me. In my day, sprats were tastier.
Despite the critique, Sandra ate with gusto. Her plate seemed magnetised for the best stuff. The ham vanished like magic. Tartlets with caviar disappeared as she muttered, This caviars awful tiny. Fake, no doubt. Cant buy the real thing these days, can you? Alice, pass me the jar later so I can check the ingredients. Dont want us all poisoned.
Alice just smiled and poured the wine. She saw Tom blushing, but as usual, he said nothing. He never contradicted Sandra in companyor even at home, truthfully.
The party rolled on. The guests praised the foodespecially the meat and fishshared jokes and student anecdotes. Sandra occasionally broke through with tales of pensioners hardship and ungrateful children, but her laments were drowned out by the chatter.
Near ten, folk began leaving, work looming tomorrow and the evening well spent.
Alice, youre a marvel! said Steve, Toms best mate, giving her a handshake in the hallway. That eel was unbelievable. Cheers!
Glad you enjoyed, she replied, genuinely smiling.
When the door closed behind the last guest, quiet settledbroken only by the clatter of crockery as Sandra started gathering plates.
Ill help tidy, youll be here till morning otherwise, she declared. Tom, take the bins out; theyre overflowing. Alice, start boxing up the hot dishes.
Alice sagged. Fatigue crashed over her. Her head pounded.
Sandra, leave it. Ill manage. You should restshall I call you a cab?
What, waste cash? Ill catch the bus, theyre still running. Dont argue, Im helping. Youre pale as a ghost, go and wash your face, take a pill. Ill finish up.
Alice knew she needed a moment. Migraine and nausea was crawling up from her throat.
Fine, she surrendered. Just five minutes. When Toms back hell walk you down.
She retreated to the bedroom, found headache pills, and went to splash water on her face in the bathroom. The ringing eased. I should go backcant leave her alone in the kitchen or shell use my facial wash for the dishes, or rearrange the entire cupboard, she thought.
She emerged quietly, her slippers muffling her steps, and paused at the kitchen door.
Sandra stood by the open fridge, her back to Alice. On the stool sat her bottomless bag, ready for action. Sandra worked fast and smoothly, with the skill of a conjurer.
She swept the leftover meat platterstill laden with expensive ham, roast pork, dry-cured sausageinto a plastic bag, knotted it, and buried it deep in her bag.
Alice blinked. Was she seeing things? No.
Sandra reached into the fridge, found the tub where Alice had saved a piece of smoked salmon for breakfasta proper slice, almost three hundred gramsand stashed it away as well.
Next went half the homemade Victoria sponge Alice had baked till 2am the previous night. Sandra mustve deemed the box too large, so she wrapped the cake in foil, squashing the delicate layers.
Hmm, what else Sandra muttered. Bit of parmesan. Well, itll just get stale, theyll chuck it.
The remaining parmesan, worth more than a dinner out, joined the loot. Then went the jar of olives, andfinal strawa nearly full bottle of expensive brandy, gifted to Tom by his colleagues and never opened.
Alice leaned against the doorframe, unable to move. Should she shout? Cause a scene? Accuse her of theft? She couldnt bring herself to call her husbands mother a thief, even if that’s exactly what she was right then.
At that moment, the front door banged. Tom had returned.
Bloody freezing out, he called. Mum, you ready? I wont take my coat off, Ill walk you down.
Sandra startled, snapped her bag shut, and turned. Spotting Alice in the doorway, she faltered for a split second, her eyes darting, but she quickly regained her composure.
Oh, Alice, youre back? Im just tidying up. Toms here? Great. Im all set now.
She grabbed her bag, which had grown distinctly heavier, and even grunted at the strain.
Mum, let me help, whatve you got in therebricks? Tom poked his head in.
No! Dont touch it! Sandra clutched the bag to her chest. Ive just got empty jars. Took my jar of gherkins back, and my personal bits. Dont fuss.
Alice looked at Tom. He stared at his mum, puzzled.
Mum, what jars? You brought one and its still full on the windowsill.
Other jars! Sandra flushed. Dont start! I just want to go home! Ive slaved here all day!
Alice stepped forward. Her headache had faded, replaced by an icy clarity.
Sandra, she said quietly but firmly, Put your bag on the table.
What? Sandras eyes bulged. How dare you? Are you going to search me? Tom, hear what your wifes saying? She thinks Im a thief!
Alice, whats this? Tom darted his eyes between them. Mums just
Tom, Alice interrupted, eyes fixed on Sandra. That bags got our breakfast. And lunch. And dinner for the next two days. Its got the salmon I paid fifty quid for. Your favourite ham. The brandy your mates gave you. And the cake.
Youre mad! Sandra squealed, backing toward the door. How can you say that? Im a retired teacher, a veteranIve never even pinched a crumb! Choke on your feast!
She tried to slip round Tom into the hall, but the bag snagged on the corner of the table. The handles, overloaded by empty jars, gave out. The bag tipped, spilling its contents across the floor.
It was a sight to behold.
Sausage rolled away. The package with salmon burst, the oily fish landed straight onto Toms slipper. Foil peeled off the crushed sponge, brandy bottle thudded to a chair leg but didnt crack. On top of all this sat a wedge of parmesan and sweets from the bowl.
A heavy silence filled the kitchen, broken only by the fridges hum and Sandras ragged breathing.
Tom stared at the scattered feast. He looked down at his foot, covered in fish, then at his mother, red as beetroot. Understanding finally dawnedfollowed by thick, sticky shame.
Mum? he managed. Whats this?
Sandra straightened, choosing defence as attack.
Whats the big deal? she snapped, staring Tom down. Yes, I took it! Youve got too much! Youd just throw it away! Spoilt, the lot of you! Your fridge is bursting, and your mothers living on a state pension! Ive only ever seen this ham on telly! Cant I have a decent meal just once? I raised you! Lost sleep over you! And you begrudge me a chunk of sausage?
Alice said nothing, waiting for Toms reactionthis, at last, was a reckoning. Normally, he’d mumble, Alright Mum, take it, we don’t mind, if only to keep the peace.
Tom slowly bent down, picked the fish off his slipper, and placed it on the table. He retrieved the brandy, too.
Mum, he said quietly. It isnt about the food. You know if you asked, wed have made you up a package ourselves. We always do.
What, should I beg?! Sandra shrieked, realising she was losing ground. Your own mother, grovelling? You ought to offer! Selfish!
You didnt ask, Tom shook his head. You stole. You waited till Alice left, then swept it all up. Like like a rat.
How dare you! Sandra clutched her chest. My heart! Get my tablets! Youre driving me into the ground!
No drama, Sandra, Alice said calmly. Your tablets are in the left-hand pocketI saw you had them when you took your coat off.
Sandra froze. Her performance, exposed.
Tom, Alice turned to him. Bag everything off the floor, please.
Why? he frowned.
Give it to your mum. Let her take it all. The fishs been on the floor, I wont eat it. Cakes smashed. Sausage too. Let her have it. Consider it a birthday gift. And payment for not seeing her in this house for at least a month.
Sandra gasped for breath, like a landed fish.
Tom, silent, scooped everything into a bagfish, cheese, smooshed cake. He put the brandy back on the table.
The brandy stays, he said. I need a drink. A big one.
He handed the bag to his mum.
Take it, Mum. And go. Ive called a cab while you were shouting. Itll be downstairs in two minutes.
Youyoure chucking me out? Your own mother? Over some food?
Over lying, Mum. And disrespect. To my home, and my wife.
Sandra snatched the bag. Her eyes glittered with angry tears.
You wont see me here again! she hissed. Live how you like, you greedy lot! May that ham choke you!
With that, she stormed out, slamming the door so hard plaster dust rained down.
Alice slumped at the table, hands to her face, shaking.
Tom fetched two glasses, poured brandy, and set one before her.
Drink, he said. You need it.
Alice looked up. Tom seemed older, greyer.
He sat across from her and took her hand.
Im sorry, Al.
For what? You didnt know.
For not seeing it before. For letting her act this way. I always thought, well, shes my mum. Eccentric, but kind. Now I feel so ashamed. As if it was me stealing the stupid ham.
Alice took a sip. The brandy burnt, but brought a strange relief.
Funny thing, she said, bitterly smiling, Id bought extraanother sausage and a wedge of cheesejust to give to her. Bottom drawer. She just didnt get that far.
Tom let out a strangled laugh.
Really?
Really. I knew shed harp on about being skint. Wanted to do it properly.
You cant do properly with her, can you? Downed his brandy. You know what? Tomorrow Im changing the locks. Shes got keys she begged off me ages ago just in case. I don’t want to come home and find shes taken the television, because Vera from next doors got a bigger one.
Alice looked at himastonished and, for the first time in seven years, full of respect. He spoke plainlyno excuses for his mother. The crisis over the stolen food was the last straw, even for Tom.
Whatll we eat tomorrow? Alice peered at the nearly bare table. She took almost everything.
Tom opened the fridge, grinned.
Weve still got a jar of caviar. She didnt spot that one. And eggs. And milk. Omelette with caviar, proper posh.
Alice laughed. The tension finally started ebbing away.
And, she remembered, those dodgy apples she brought. I suppose we could stew them.
No chance, Tom grimaced. Theyre bin-ward tomorrow. Same with the cloudy gherkins. Ive had enough of care packages.
They sat up talking, finishing the brandy, saying things unsaid for yearsabout boundaries, about how loving your parents doesnt mean letting them walk all over you. About family, and how its really about the two of them.
In the morning, Alice woke to coffee smells. Tom was already busy in the kitchen.
Morning, love. He kissed her head. Got any bonus left?
A bit. Why?
Lets get away for the weekend. Maybe Devon, or a few days in Bath. Switch off phones, vanish.
And your mum? Shell probably spend all week calling and telling everyone we threw her out.
So let her. Thats her choice. Weve got ours. Omelettes readycome eat.
Alice studied the platefluffy yellow omelette scattered with red caviar, and thought it was the finest breakfast shed ever had. Not because it was pricey, but because it wasnt seasoned with guilt.
Sandra did call two days later. Tom glanced at his phone, sighed, and flipped it face down.
Not answering? Alice asked.
Nope. Let her eat her sausage, shell calm down. Maybe Ill call in a month. Right now, Im taking my wife to the pictures.
Alice smiled and went to get dressed. The fridge was spare, but her heart felt light and, for the first time in a long while, truly at peace. That feeling was worth more than any lost delicacies.
Sometimes, setting boundarieseven with familyis an act of love: for yourself, for your home, for your future. Letting go of guilt and expectation is the tastiest recipe for happiness.
