Were Moving Into Your Flat!
Emilys got a brilliant flat in the city centre. Just had a new kitchen put inmove straight in and live the dream!
Its perfect. For a single girl, Alan said to Lucy, wearing the patronising smile usually reserved for chatty toddlers on public transport. But were planning on two, if not three children. Bang-bang-bang, no rests in between.
And the centres noisy, the airs thick enough to chew, no space to park. Worst of all, its only got two bedrooms. But herethree. Proper neighbourhood, nursery just across the green.
Cant fault the area, agreed Simon, still not seeing where his beloved future son-in-law was going with this. Thats why we never moved.
Exactly! Alan said, snapping his fingers like hed just discovered oxygen. So I tell Emily, why squeeze into a shoebox if theres a palace ready and waiting?
There are three of you and this place is massive! What do you need all that space for? You dont even use that third bedroomits a glorified storage shed. But for us… its spot on.
Lucy was wrestling with the upright vacuum cleaner, attempting to shoehorn it into the hall cupboard. The vacuum was resisting, hose wrapped like an octopus round every available coat hanger, point blank refusing to settle in its assigned slot.
Simon, could you give me a hand, please? she called through the open door, growing slightly desperate. Either the cupboards shrunk, or I need a masterclass on Tetris with household appliances.
Simons head appeared from the bathroom, fresh from battling the leaky tap. Calm, steadyalways just a half-beat behind the madnesshe was Lucys mirror opposite.
No worries, Luce. Pass it over.
With a deftness born of practice, he slipped the hefty machine into the back corner of the cupboard. Lucy exhaled theatrically and slouched against the doorframe.
Why do we never have enough room? Three bedrooms, and as soon as we start cleaning, its like were trying to clear out Buckingham Palace.
Thats because youre a squirrel, my darling, Simon grinned. When, exactly, did we last use all three dinner services? Christmas and Christmas?
Theyre keepsakes! This was my grans flat, if you remember.
After Simons parents gracefully divided the spoils, he got the roomy three-bed in the quiet suburbthe former Granny Smith estatewhile his sister Emily landed the two-bed in the citys so-called Golden Triangle. Money-wise, it all worked out fair and square. Five years, not a whisper of jealousy.
Lucy, in her innocence, imagined it would always be like this. But…
***
Tidying done, chaos officially subdued, they slumped in front of the telly. Just as the plot thickened on some property show, the doorbell rang.
Simon peeked through the spyhole.
Sis and her fiancé, brace yourself, he murmured.
Emily breezed in first, all grins and air kisses, followed by Alan, who seemed to stomp for dramatic effect.
Lucy had only bumped into Alan once or twice since Emily unearthed him six months back at the gym. From day one, Alan seemed to radiate self-importance, looking down on both her and Simon as if theyd failed some basic exam in being impressive.
Hello, loves! Emily chirped, pecking her brother and giving Lucy a hug. We were just passing. Andnews!
Well, come in, as youre passing. Love a bit of news, Simon said, ushering them toward the kitchen. Tea?
Just water, thanks, Alan said, marching behind as if already scoping out the place for renovation. Best get straight to it, Siserious business.
‘Passing by, my foot, Lucy thought, her nerves prickling. There was always a catch with Alan.
Go on then? Simon said, taking a seat.
Emily became immediately engrossed in her phone, leaving Alan to seize the stage.
Right. Here it is, Alan began, clearing his throat with undue ceremony. Weve submitted our notice. The weddings in three months. Naturally, Ive got big plans. Family, house, happily ever afterall that jazz. So we, you see, have been reviewing our premises He paused for effect. Well swap! We take your flat, you move to Emilys.
Lucy stared. She looked from Simon to Emily, but her sister-in-law was scrolling Instagram, apparently teleported from the conversation.
Alan, have I got this right? Simon frowned. Youre suggesting what, exactly?
Im not hinting. Im offering a solution. Lets swap flats!
Me and Emily agreeseems entirely fair.
Lucys jaw practically hit the floor.
Fair? Youre serious, Alan? she spluttered. Waltz in and tell us to pack up and leave so you can have space for your hypothetical nursery?
No need to get shirty, Lucy, Alan cringed. Im just being realistic. Youve got one childyoure not planning for a football team, are you? Whats the point of all these spare square feet? Meanwhile, weve gotpotential.
Oh, hes got potential! Lucy shot up from her seat. Simon, are you hearing any of this?
Simon raised a calming hand. Alan, you do realise this is our home? My parents gave it to me, just as Emily got her place. Took us five years of DIY to get it how we like. Our daughters got her own room. Shes made friends here. Youre seriously telling us to up sticks because it suits you?
Dont be touchy, Si, Alan leaned back in his chair, the image of someone who thought himself being terribly reasonable. Youre family! Emilys your sister, flesh and blood! Dont you care about her future? Besides, Ive checkedyour place is even pricier by the square foot! Win-win.
Simon merely raised an eyebrow.
Youre not even related to me yet and already measuring up the curtains, mate!
Emily finally looked away from her phone.
Oh, come on. He means well. Well be squashed when the kids arrive. And your corridoryou could host Sunday league in there.
Mum always said family sticks together. Didnt she, Si?
Mum meant helping each other out, Emily. Not turfing your own brother out of his home! Lucy snapped. Has it crossed your mind what your Alans actually proposing?
Whats wrong with it? Emily pouted, blinking innocently. Hes only being practical. We need it more than you. That extra room is wasted on you.
Its not wasted! Thats my home office! In case youd forgotten! Lucy was nearly shouting now.
Alan snorted. Oh come off it, posting pretty pictures online isnt a job. You can do that on the kitchen table, cant you?
Simon stood up, slow and measured.
Enough, he said quietly. Time to leave. Both of you.
Simon, mate! Dont be like that! Trying to talk like civilised people, family to family
Civilised? You traipse in, ask for my flat, insult my wife, and presume to know whats best for my daughter?
Alan shrugged, completely unperturbed.
Oh, for heavens sake, Si! Dont be so uptight. Familys family. Emilys your own flesh and blood!
Lucy leapt to her husbands side. Oh, Alan doesnt care about family. Hes not even past the kneeling stage and hes already asset-stripping! Emily, do you realise youre dating East Londons answer to Del Boy?
Dont talk about him that way! Emily shrieked. He cares about me. About our future! Youre just old misers hanging onto bricks and mortar like hermits. Some family!
Miser? More like lifeguardtrying to save someone from a gold-digger, Simon said, pointing at the door. Out, the pair of you. And dont ever mention swapping again, or youre getting cut off for good.
Alan straightened his shirt. Not a flicker of shame, just the air of a man whod been denied a second dessert.
Fine. Be stubborn. Your call, Si. Come on, Emily.
Once the door slammed behind them, Lucy sagged onto the sofa, shaking.
Honestly, did you see that? Who does he think he is?
Simon stood staring out the window, watching Alan strut to his car, still pontificating to Emily.
You know whats really grim? he said. Emily truly thinks hes got a point. Shes always been a bit away with the fairies, but this?
Hes brainwashed her! Lucy exclaimed. We ought to tell your mum and dad. They ought to know what fantastical schemes their future son-in-law is cooking up.
One step at a time, Simon sighed, reaching for his phone. Let me try Emily first. Without the peacock in the background.
He called. After what felt like an eternity, Emily picked upsniffing.
Hello! she mumbled.
Emily, listen up, Simon said, tone more strict headmaster than loving brother. Are you with him now?
Whats it to you?
If hes there, put me on speaker. In fact, dont bother. Are you in the car with Alan?
Im not. He dropped me at the door and drove off, muttering that my familys too selfish for words.
Emily, do you hear yourself? He pitched up and tried to extort my flat out of me! Did you actually know about his plan until we all sat in the kitchen?
Pause.
No, Emily finally whispered. He just said he had a surprise. Thought of a way to make everything perfect for everyone.
Oh, perfect, Simon groaned. He just decided our entire lives, without so much as a by-your-leave. Emily, hes after your inheritance, too. Today the flat, next hell want your Mini Cooper. Before you know it, hell have his eye on mum and dads cottage in the countryside because the air here is too urban.
Dont say things like that Emily was crying again. He loves me.
Funny way of showing it. He just tried to pit us against each other! Lucys still shaking. Cant you see hes deliberately creating drama?
Ill talk to him, Emily said, doubt creeping into her voice.
Do. And give it proper thought before you even think of marrying him.
Simon hung up, flinging his phone on the sofa.
Well? Lucy whispered.
She had no clue. Alan, in his wisdom, had prepared a surprise.
Lucy laughed bitterly. Oh, I can just imagine. Walking in with his masterplan, arranging people like chess pieces! Yuck. Thank heavens its not our problem.
No way were giving up this flat, Simon said, squeezing Lucys shoulder. That much is settled. But I do feel sorry for Emily. She doesnt deserve this circus.
***
Simon and Lucys worst worries didnt materialisethe wedding never happened.
Alan dumped Emily later that very evening. Emily, puffy-eyed and heartbroken, turned up at her brothers doorstep that night to sob out the whole sad talehow Alan packed his things in silence, eyes on the prize. When challenged, Alan replied he wasnt interested in connecting with such stingy family.
Said he couldnt rely on you! Emily hiccupped. That you wouldnt babysit when we had kids and wouldnt loan us any money if we asked.
Lucy had no time for it. Emily, love, you can do so much better. You want a partner you can rely onnot someone weighing out your teaspoons and tapping on family wallets!
Emily moped for a few months, but eventually set herself to rights.
Later came relief. How did she ever miss the gaping holes in his character? If shed married him, shed have lived forever regretting it. Fate did her a favour, no doubt about it.












