What else have you cooked up now? What care home? Absolutely not! Im not going anywhere! I wont leave my own house! Elizabeths father hurled a mug at her, trying to hit her in the head. She ducked out the way with a motion born of long practice.
This situation simply cannot go on. Sooner or later, hell find a way to hurt her, and she wont know what to expect. Yet as Elizabeth signed the forms for her father to move into a care home, guilt gnawed at her. The things she was doing for him now were miles beyond what hed ever done for her.
As he was settled into the car, her father lashed out, shouted curses at everyone involved in his move.
Elizabeth stood by the window, watching the car drive away. Shed stood here before, only then she was just a little girl and could not imagine what her future would hold.
Elizabeth was an only child. Her mother never dared have another, knowing her husband was a domestic tyrant who made her life a misery.
Elizabeths father, John Simmons, was already fairly elderly when his daughter was bornwell into his forties.
He married purely for the sake of his career. Love or family never played into his plans. There was never anyone he cared about more than himself. Marriage was simply a step needed to build a respectable image. He quickly picked out a suitable prospect among his acquaintancesMary, a college student, whose parents worked factory jobs. The perfect wife for a man of the people. Marys family felt honoured to connect themselves to such a notable figure. Nobody asked for the brides opinion, of course. The wedding was lavish, though Marys own parents didnt attendthey were considered too far beneath him.
After the wedding, Mary moved into Johns house.
To turn her quickly into the ideal civil servants wife, John appointed someone to teach Mary manners, how to keep quiet, and how to pretend she didnt notice the things she wasnt supposed to see.
Hows your day been, then? John would ask as he settled into his armchair after work.
All fine. Ive learned about table etiquette and started on English lessons. The first thing Mary learned was never to give her husband cause for complaint.
And? Is that it? Who saw to the house while you were dithering about?
I did. I planned the weeks meals with the cook, bought the shopping myself, and did the cleaning too.
Well, not bad for the day, I suppose. Just keep your hands clean, keep yourself propernone of this looking like a farmgirl. If you behave well enough, maybe Ill hire you a driver and a maid. Maybe. You havent earned it yet.
But no matter how Mary tried, peaceful days were rare. John usually came home late, in a foul mood, and took it out on her. The servants said nothing but could always leave or gossip. Mary had nobody to complain to, and nowhere else to go.
John struck Mary for the first time a month after the weddingnot for any particular fault, but just to show who was in charge, and what might happen if she stepped out of line.
The beatings came more often. He hit with careful precisionnever leaving visible marks or bruises, never harming her posture, so nobody else would ever know. Mary became good at hiding the injuries under clothes, always smiling radiantly for Johns friends and colleagues when she had to play hostess.
The first year of marriage passed. Friends and colleagues began to nudge JohnJohn, youre a fine, healthy man! Hows it your young wife isnt expecting already? Whose fault is that, then? You should get her seen by a doctor, wasting time on a dud flower is pointless.
Were not planning a child just yet. Shes still at college, John would reply, voice cool.
Still studying? What for? A wife doesnt need education! Kids, house, husbandthat should be her life. Best she gives up her courses and starts seeing doctors. My wife will recommend some. And dont go telling me youre not planning on childrena family must have them! Why else marry? Set an example!
So began a new chapter for Maryendless doctors appointments. John even had to stop striking her, lest a medic spotted bruises.
Months went by and the specialists found nothing wrong with Mary. She was healthy, able to bear children. Clearly, the problem lay with John. One doctor gently hinted as much, and recommended he get checked.
Me? Are you insane? One word from me and youll end up working as a vet out in the sticks.
Even if you sack me, that wont solve your problem, the doctor answered calmly, long since familiar with big men like John.
So what do you suggest then? John grumbled.
Well, you could start by getting tested.
Several weeks and many awkward appointments later, John received the unsparing verdicthis chances of fatherhood were very slim. Only a miracle could help.
All the nudging from colleagues, and watching his blooming young wife, made John furious at the world. Taking it out on Mary was pointlessshe no longer reacted, simply freezing like a statue. At least at the start, shed been frightened and cried.
To distract himself, John acquired a mistress, which helped for a while.
Another two and a half years went by before the longed-for pregnancy occurred. When the time came, Elizabeth was bornthe image of her father. But John felt not a flicker of tenderness for the baby. Her upbringing was left to Mary and the nanny. He managed perfectly well for weeks without seeing her or needing any contact.
The older Elizabeth grew, the more her fathers irritation increased, and the harder it became for him not to strike his unruly daughter.
The first time he hit her, she was five years old. She was acting up, begging for something. John had just come back from an important meeting and was in no mood for childish tantrums. When Elizabeth stomped her foot and persisted, John flung her so hard she crashed across the room into the wall. The fright stopped her crying. Her father simply lay down on the sofa and turned on the TV.
From that day, Elizabeth learned not to set her father off. But that didnt deter Johnin fact, after striking her once, he no longer held back. He could insult or slap hereven if guests were present. By this time, John was quite a powerful man. He had nothing left to prove, so there was no longer any need to pretend to be the perfect family man. Hed openly scorn Elizabeth in front of guests, openly enjoying her blushing and holding back tears.
John Simmons, I hear your Elizabeth is a talented violinist! Could she play for us?
Violinist? She can barely hold the thing the right way up! If you want, you can ask, but Id pity you for it. Lizzy! Cant you hear? Fetch your banjo and play for our guests!
Shamed and red-faced, Elizabeth would collect her instrument. The terror of performing in front of people would haunt her forever, and a promising musical career existed only in dreams. She never picked up a violin again after finishing music school.
Back then, she thought family life must be like this for everyone. Pictures in storybooks showed smiling, happy familiesbut why had she been born to someone who loathed the world?
Her mother was no example of happiness, either. She couldnt love the child of her despised husband. When Elizabeth was thirteen, her mother died in a car crashor so they said. Elizabeth never knew for sure what happened. After that, she withdrew even further.
After school, Elizabeth attended university, in a subject chosen by her father. It was one of his last decisions for her. His own work had become mired in scandal by then so he had little interest left in his daughter. By the time Elizabeth graduated, John had lost all his influence and nearly all his assets. Most of his remaining money went on preserving his own freedomhushing up the crimes hed committed during his career. Thankfully, he managed to quietly retire and move to his country cottage. Elizabeth never visited; they had nothing to say to each other.
Living alone, John could no longer pour out his venom, and his mental health quickly deteriorated. Neighbours started to call Elizabeth, telling her he was acting strangely. She had to gather all her strength and make a difficult choicebring her father to live with her.
Given a chance to torment Elizabeth again, John seemed almost to revive. Every day hed start an argument or hurl insults. Hed smash crockery or scatter belongings. Elizabeth confined him to a single room and fitted a lock, but even that didnt helphis dementia was growing worse. Finally, when things reached breaking point, Elizabeth had to face another decisionher father needed to move to a care home.
She had never managed a family of her own. Shy, damaged, she avoided people and kept her distance at work. Still, when it came time to send her father to the home, Elizabeth was tortured with guilt and shame.
Keeping him in her flat was too dangerous, and medical tests showed he was suffering from dementia. He no longer understood what he was doing, but his deep hostility toward Elizabeth remained, even after he stopped recognising her.
She visited every care home in town, looking for the best. The one she chose was expensiveshe had to give up most of her wages and take a second job just to cover it.
After her father left, Elizabeth wandered the flat in a daze for several days. She remembered the only other time she and her mother had tried to leave John. That time, hed brought them both back; soon after, her mother died.
Yet, when she visited her father, Elizabeth always wept with guilt and pitythe only emotions shed ever learned at home.
As if the weight of her conscience wasnt enough, Elizabeth soon began to feel her own health falter.
