Ive had your son, but we dont want anything from you, the mistress called and said.
James looked at Claire like a kicked puppy.
Yeah, you heard right. Claire, I had someone else about six months ago. Just a bit of fun, a couple of meetings, nothing serious. And now, shes had my son. Only just heard”
Claires head spun. This was the last thing she expectedher loyal, loving husband had a child with someone else? It took her several moments to really process what hed said.
James sat opposite her, slumped over, hands clenched tightly between his knees. He just looked smaller than usual, like all the air had gone out of him.
So, a son, then, Claire repeated. You, a married man, have a son. And it wasnt me who gave birth to him
Claire, I swear, I didnt know. I mean, I knew how babies happen, alright, Im forty, Im not thick, but I didnt know shed decide to keep it. We broke up ages ago, she went back to her husband. I thought it was all done and dusted. And then out of nowhere, I get a call yesterdayYour son is born. Seven pounds. Healthy, and then she hung up.
Claire stood up, gripping the back of the chair because her knees felt like jellylike shed just finished a marathon. It was pouring autumn rain outside, the whole world grey and blurred. For a brief moment, she looked out the window, caught up in how beautiful the stormy garden looked.
So what now? she asked, still facing away from him.
I dont know, James mumbled.
Brilliant answer, really inspiring. Head of the house and all thatI dont know. She whirled around.
Are you going to go there? See the baby?
James met her eyes, ashamed.
She left the hospital address, said the baby would be discharged the day after tomorrow. She just said, Come if you want, dont if you dont. We dont need anything from you. Very proud, that one. She wants nothing from me
Wants nothing, Claire echoed. How noble.
The front door banged and the older boys flooded in, coats dripping and laughing. Years in business had taught Claire to plaster on a smile no matter what was falling apart around her.
The eldest peered into the kitchen, tall and broad-shouldered, almost twenty now.
All right, Mum, Dad? You both look like thunder. Anything to eat? Were starving after training.
Theres some shepherds pie in the fridge, heat it up, Claire tossed back.
The second son, a bit younger, clapped James on the shoulder.
Dad, you said youd look at the clutch on the old banger later, yeah?
Watching this scene, Claire felt a stab in her chest so sharp it hurt to breathe. They called James Dad. Their biological father had long since disappeared into the mist, sending the odd card and enough money to keep Social Services happy, but very little else. James? Hed raised them, taught them to drive, patched their knees, handled parents evenings and school troubles. He was their father, truly.
James mustered a weak smile.
Yeah, Sam, Ill check it out later. Give me a moment with your mum.
The boys left, laughing, plates clattering.
They love you, Claire said, quieter now. And you
Claire, stop it. I love them, too. Theyre my lads. Im not going anywhere. I told you from the offit was a mistake, a wobble. Nothing more. She and I it was just, well, a distraction.
A distraction with nappies to change, Claire spat.
Little Emily, six, barreled into the room then. That was itClaires armour cracked. Emily leapt onto her fathers lap.
Daddy! Why are you sad? Did mum tell you off?
James hugged her tight, nose buried in her golden hair. Emily was his worldClaire knew hed battle the world for her. That was true, fierce fatherly love.
No, sweetheart. Were just talking about grown-up stuff. Go pop the telly on for a bit, Ill be right there.
Once Emily had run off, the quiet settled again.
You realise everything changes now? Claire sat down heavily.
Im not leaving, Claire. I love you, the kids. I cant lose you
Big talk, James. But facts are facts, arent they? You have a son nowa real one, of your own blood. That woman might be acting all stoic now, but it wont last. A few months, the baby will get sick, start needing things. Shell call. James, hes outgrown his winter coat. James, can you pop round, he needs the doctor. And youll go, because youre good and youre soft and you cant say no.
James stayed silent.
And how about money, James? Claire said softly. Where will you get it?
He flinchedClaire had hit a sore spot. His business went under two years ago; Claires money kept the family afloat. He had some work now and again, odd jobs bringing in extra pounds, but compared to everything Claire providedhome, car, holidays, school feeswell, it was nothing. His cards were all frozen by the bank and bailiffs, so he used cash or Claires spare account.
Ill find the money.
Oh? Youll drive a cab all night? Or just pinch it from my bedside drawer to help out your extra family? Do you not see how mad that is? I provide for us, and you use my money to look after your flings child?
Shes not my fling! James barked. It was finished before the baby was even a thing!
Babies have a habit of binding people together stronger than any ring, Claire replied coldly. Are you going to the discharge?
The question hung in the air. James rubbed his face with his hands.
I dont know, Claire. Honestly. The right thing maybe I should go? The kid didnt do anything wrong.
And the right thing by me? By Emily? By the boys? Claire pressed. Go there, hold the baby, look at it, and thats it. Youll be hooked. I know you, James, you go all soft and sentimental. At first itll be once a week, then twice, then most weekends. Next thing, youre lying that youve got extra work on. Meanwhile, well be here, waiting. Always waiting.
Claire got up and turned on the tap, watched the water, then shut it off.
Shes eight years younger than me, James. Thirty-two. Shes had your sonher own, your own. The boys, theyre not yours by blood, even if youve raised them. But that boyhe is. You really think that wont change anything?
Dont be ridiculous. The lads are mine, always will be.
Come off it. Blokes always want an heira proper one.
We have Emily!
Shes a girl, James
He stood up abruptly.
Enough! Stop trying to shove me out the door. I said, Im staying. But I cant just ignore this and act like nothing happened. Theres a real person theremy son. Im to blame, I know that. You want me gone? Ill pack and head to my mums, a mates sofa, wherever. But dont blackmail me!
Claire froze with fear. If she told him to go, he would. Stubborn, daft, but proud. Hed leave with nothing, not a penny. And then whathed end up with her, the other woman, welcomed as a hero no doubt. Shed lose him forever then.
But the thought made her feel sick. As much as she hurt, she still loved him, and so did the children.
Sit down. Im not chucking you out.
James hovered another moment, breathing hard, before sitting again.
Claire, Im sorry. Im a bloody idiot
You are, she agreed. But youre our bloody idiot.
The rest of the evening passed in a fog. Claire did homework with Emily, checked work emails, but her mind was hundreds of miles away. She pictured the other womanyoung, pretty, no doubt. Maybe looking at that baby, thinking shed won. Acting all dignifiedDont need anything from you. Thats the oldest trick. No sobbing, no drama, just: heres your son, well manage. That sort of thing puts a man right on the hook.
James fidgeted all night, while Claire lay staring into the darkness. Forty-five now, still lovely, successful, but old age wasnt too far off. The other woman? Shed be in her prime
***
Next morning was even worseClaire couldnt shake the heaviness in her chest. The boys ate quickly and shot off, while Emily whined and fussed.
Daddy, do my plait! Mum cant do it straight, she complained.
James picked up the hairbrush. His big hands, more used to steering wheels and hammers, gently teased out the delicate tangles. He plaited Emilys hair carefully, tongue sticking out as he concentrated.
Claire sipped her coffee, watching. That was her husbandhers. Warm, familiar, there for his family. And now, somewhere, another kid had a rightful claim on him. How was that fair?
James, Claire started, once Emily skipped off to find her shoes, we need to sort this. Now.
He put down the hairbrush.
I was up all night thinking.
And?
I wont go to the discharge. I wont go.
Something in Claire twisted, but she didnt let it show.
Why not?
If I go, Ill give her hopeIll give myself hope. And the kid too. I cant do it, Claire. I cant be a dad twice over, running between two homes. I cant lie to you, and I wont take any time away from Emily or the boys. I made my choice eleven years ago. Youre my wife, this is my family.
And the boy? Claire surprised herself with the question.
Ill helpfinancially. Officially, or set up an account, whatevers needed. But visiting, no. Better he grow up without me altogether, rather than waiting by the window every weekend. Id just end up watching the clock and aching to come hometo my real family. Yours. Thats fairer.
Claire fiddled with her wedding ring in silence.
You sure? Wont you regret it?
I will, James admitted. Ill always wonder. But if I start, Ill lose you. I can feel itbecause you wouldnt put up with it. Youre strong, but youve got limits. I cant bear the thought of you hating me.
God, he sounded a mess, but he was dead serious.
James came up behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders.
I dont want another life, Claire. This is what I want: you and the kids. Everything else thats my punishment for being foolish. Ill paymoney, but nothing else. No time, no love, nothing more to give that way.
Claire rested her hand on his.
Money, you say? She gave a half-smile.
Ill sort it. Ill work my fingers to the bone if I have to. I wont take a penny from you for this. Its my problem, Claire.
And just like that, Claire felt steadier. Yes, what hed done was selfish. But it was these wordsthis promisethat mattered most. She wasnt sharing her husband with anyone. As for the other womanwell, shed made her own bed.
***
James didnt go to see the new baby. Not once.
The mistress blew up his phone for daysyelled, ranted, demanded to know why he hadnt come. James made it clearshed get financial help and nothing else. No meetings, no playing families. That was that.
She eventually gave up, and after that half a year passed with not a single call or message. Her number seemed to vanish entirely. And honestly? Claire thought that was exactly as it should be.
