You see, I said, choosing my words carefully. Grownups can act a bit foolish, sometimes even more than children.
Dad wont let me meet the aunt hes seeing, will he? Sophie asked, her voice thin.
I dont think its that he doesnt want to. Perhaps theyre still figuring out how to make it work, or maybe Aunt Olive is shy.
Why be shy? Im not a monster.
Its always a responsibility when other peoples children are involved. Not everyone is ready for that.
I stood in the hallway, watching my daughter rush to get ready for her fathers visit.
Sophies phone buzzed in her pocket. She snapped up the handset, then quickly tucked it back in.
Hes not coming? I asked.
He said works a mess, Sophie muttered, not looking up. Next time.
Got it. Get dressed.
I slipped into the kitchen, keeping the conversation light. I filled the kettle and switched it on, the low roar of boiling water drowning out my thoughts.
It had been eight years since the divorce, and Daniel was still a master at spoiling my mood.
***
The first three years of their marriage felt like a fairytale: flowers for no reason, breakfast in bed, gifts left on the pillow. Natalie believed shed drawn a happy ticket.
When she got pregnant, Daniel would carry her around on his arms.
But in the maternity ward the first ring of the phone sounded, and she brushed it off.
The doctor was filling out baby Sophies chart. Daniel stood nearby, pale and nervous, having been present at the birth.
Whats the blood group? the new dad asked.
The girls is Rhnegative, the doctor replied matteroffactly.
Daniel frowned.
Hows that? He asked, his voice cracking. My test was positive. Natalie’s was also positive.
Wheres the minus? Did you mix something up?
The doctor pushed his glasses up his nose.
Remember school biology, lads. The Rh factor can be tricky. If both of you carry a hidden negative gene, the child can end up negative. Its normal.
Youre sure? Daniel squinted. No mistake?
The tests dont lie.
Later Daniel called Natalie a hundred times, demanding an explanation. She sent him the doctors notes over and over. He seemed to calm down, but
***
Trouble began the moment Daniel left the hospital. He changed.
Hes diabetic, and Natalie had always watched his diet, reminded him about insulin. Suddenly he started acting like a teenager whod just tasted freedom.
Im off to football, he shouted, slinging his bag over his shoulder.
Daniel, which football? Your sugars spiking, the doctor said stick to the regime.
Dont lecture me. Im a man; I need to move. Your caring is suffocating me.
Hed come home late. One night he staggered in, face pale, sweat pouringhypoglycaemia.
Natalie, ignoring Sophies cries, rushed around with juice and glucose tablets.
Where have you been? she asked as he steadied himself.
I told youfootball. I was running around.
Until two in the morning?
We hung out later, talked. Youre starting again? Its fine.
Natalie wanted to believe. She sat alone, smoothing Sophies tiny pajamas, convincing herself it was just a phase, that he was tired.
Soon the little girl would grow up and everything would sort itself out
It didnt. Calls started coming in.
Her phone would ring most evenings, former colleaguesgirls from accounts, managerschecking in.
Natalie kept up friendships while she worked.
Nat, hi, you free? one asked.
Hey, all good. Whats up?
Nothing much Just wondering, is Daniel staying late at the office tonight?
Probably. Why?
Just Katie hesitated. Dont get the wrong idea, but hes been with that new girl, Veronica, all evening, laughing.
Theyre practically glued together. Theyve gone to the pub five times already, and hes even slipped his hand around her waist
Natalie felt a chill run down her fingers.
Katie, stop. They might just have a project together.
Whatever, I thought you should know. Just friendly, you know.
Natalie hung up, huffing. Gossip. Let them gnaw on it. She was convinced Daniel loved her; he was just sociable.
She joked with friends, acted confident about her husband. Inside, anxiety grew. A year and a half after Sophies birth, everything collapsed.
***
Natalie was asked to a big company dinner. Her parents agreed to watch Sophie.
She slipped on a dress that, in her mind, covered the postbirth stretch marks, put on some makeup.
She craved a night out, to feel part of a world beyond nappies and porridge.
She went with Daniel, but he vanished almost immediately.
Im going to say hello to the crew, he said, melting into the crowd.
Natalie mingled with colleagues, smiled at compliments, but kept scanning for him.
An hour passed, then two. He was nowhere.
She searched the ballroom, the foyerempty. She checked the side corridor near the emergency exit, usually quieter.
There they were, not kissing that would have been obviousbut standing in a dim corner behind a massive ficus. The new colleague whispered something, her fingers brushing the lapel of Daniels jacket.
Daniel leaned his head onto her shoulder, smiling the same way he used to smile at Natalie.
They looked like schoolchildren caught in a secret. Natalie froze.
It felt as if a bucket of ice water had been poured over her headher breath caught.
She didnt make a scene, didnt scream. She turned, left the venue, hailed a cab, and drove straight to Sophies home.
Daniel returned at dawn.
Why did you leave? he asked, tugging at his tie. Ive been looking for you.
Natalie stared at him, realizing there was nothing to say.
I saw you behind the ficus.
He paused, then waved it off.
Oh, come off it. We were just talking. Youre making things up again. Youre paranoid, Nat.
No need, she whispered. Just no more.
For a month she drifted like she was in a fog. Being in the same flat was physically painful.
When he packed his things and leftclaiming he needed space because Im so nervousshe felt a weight lift.
The air in the flat seemed cleaner.
The divorce went through quickly. Daniel vanished from all contact almost instantly.
He didnt call for a whole year. Not once.
Sophie was two and a half, sometimes asking, Wheres Daddy? and Natalie would answer calmly, Hes at work. She wasnt lying, just not giving details.
Her mother helped with Sophie, and Natalie returned to work.
She toiled hard so she wouldnt depend on anyone. It paid off.
Money was enough. They lived separately, each in their own flat, took holidays apart.
She never claimed child supportdidnt want to chase him, didnt want the humiliation of paperwork.
Pride? Maybe. More likely disgust.
Then one evening Daniel called.
Im Dad, he declared. I have a right to see my child.
Natalie didnt block him. If you want to, come see her, she said. She didnt want to become the nasty ex who bans visits.
Alright, she replied. Come Saturday.
He started turning up, irregularly but nonetheless. He began paying for Sophie’s ballet and music lessons.
It was his way of buying pointshe wasnt involved in upbringing, but he wanted the good dad badge.
Sophie adored him. To her, he was the fun one: presents, cinema, cafés.
How much does a child need?
Natalie took a philosophical viewat least the child had a father.
***
Sophie walked into the kitchen, now in her homeoldsportsshirt, eyes rimmed red.
Mum, why is he like that? she asked softly, sitting at the table.
Whats that, love?
He promises and never keeps it.
Natalie sighed.
People are different, Sophie. Hes not doing it on purpose. He just cant plan.
He said its because of you, Sophie blurted out.
Natalie froze, cup in hand.
What?
On the phone he said, Your mother always mixes up plans, pushes you, thats why he cant meet.
Natalie set her cup down slowly. That was the moment
Sophie, Natalie looked straight into her daughters eyes. Have I ever stopped you from seeing your dad?
No.
Have I ever spoken badly about him?
Sophie shook her head.
No.
Then use your own head. Trust facts, not words.
The story about the new aunt had been dragging for six months. Sophie once came home from a weekend with her dad and said:
Dad lives with Aunt Olive. Shes lovely, Ive seen pictures. They have a cat.
Natalie just shrugged. They live together, fine with me. But Sophie was eager to meet her.
Mum, I want to be friends with her. Dad says shes nice.
Natalie called Daniel.
Dan, Sophie knows about your girlfriend. She wants to meet. Whats the plan?
Silence on the line.
I dont know, Daniel finally said. Maybe its too early. Im not sure. Lets talk later.
Later stretched into a month. Daniel would say he wanted to meet, then back out.
Shes really keen to meet Sophie! hed promised a week ago. Shes dreaming about it.
How about next weekend? We could all go to the park or a pizza place.
Fine, Natalie agreed. Sort it with Sophie.
And another cancellation.
Natalie stepped onto the balcony, phone in hand, needing a conversation away from prying ears.
Her ex answered after a pause, sounding annoyed, music faintly playing in the background.
Hello, Nat, Im busy, what do you want?
Busy? she repeated. You just told Sophie you were swamped at work. I hear music. Are you at the pub?
Im at a meeting, he snapped. I have a right to unwind.
Sure, just dont lie to the kid. And dont blame me for your missed dates.
Whos to blame? Daniel shot back. Youre always meddling, What time will you pick her up, what time will you drop her off. Youre suffocating me.
Olive is scared to get involved because youre unreasonable.
Unreasonable? Natalie smirked. Dan, lets stick to facts. Sophie dressed for an hour. You called at the last minute. Is this my fault?
Or perhaps Olive simply doesnt want to meet your child, and youre too scared to admit it?
Dont talk about Olive like that! he roared. She wants to! Its just circumstances!
What circumstances? The fifth time now?
Daniel, stop stringing the girl along. If your lady isnt ready to meet your child from a previous marriage, thats her choice.
But have the courage to tell Sophie the truth. Or come up with a better excuse than blaming me.
You always make it complicated, he grumbled. You cant even find another man, thats why youre angry my lifes fine.
He hung up.
**
That night, after Sophie fell asleep, Natalie replayed the conversation in her head.
She was fed up smoothing over the edges. She typed to Daniel:
From now on all arrangements go through me, 24hour notice. If you promise Sophie a meeting and cancel on the day, the next meeting is cancelled for a month. I wont let you turn her into a nervous wreck. If you want to introduce Olive, set a specific date, time, place. If she refuses, were done. Ill explain to Sophie myself. No more later or maybe. Good night.
His reply came within a minute:
Whatever. Those meetings matter more to you than to me.
***
Natalie finally barred Daniel from seeing Sophie without a court order.
When he tried again, she told him firmly that any future visits must be after the legal process.
He never suedcourt costs, time, and his new flame didnt want to meet a stepdaughter anyway.
Sophie suffers, but Natalie does everything she can to make sure her daughter never feels shortchanged.
