Are you feeding my husband, you have no conscience! Margaret Whitaker bellows, her voice echoing through the modest kitchen of their cottage in Littleford. You first ripped my only beloved son from my heart, and now you try to push my husband out as well!
David Thompson, his brow furrowed, retorts, What use does he have for me? I could feed my own husband and my children!
Margaret snaps, Since when do you dislike my cooking? She leans forward, eyes blazing.
I do like it, David mutters, a sour grin curving his lips, but after forty years of the same stew, Im fed up! Open a proper cookbook for once!
Youll love it so much youll think youre back in primary school! Margaret hisses. You turn up your nose at my fooddid you ever try my Gals pie?
David chuckles, I tried it, of course. I have to know whats feeding my son and my grandchildren!
Did you like it? And now youre going to argue with your daughterinlaw? Margaret lunges at him. We lived peacefully! If anything, you should have cleaned her pots properly!
I ought to have experimented with alternative cuisine! David declares. All we ever eat is what you make. What if theres ambrosia and nectar in there?
What are you talking about? Margaret frowns.
Youre clueless! You never invite me to family gatherings, so Im never properly fed! You keep me out of the kitchen, and I cant even go to the local canteen without feeling guilty.
Then Ill give you a taste of high cuisine, Margaret threatens, pointing toward the attic. Youll end up with plain oatmeal waterno salt, no sugar!
Why are you threatening me? To whom? To my own husband? Have some conscience! David snaps. If I leave, Ill side with my son and tell the whole village that youre a poor cook!
Oh, hell go, youll see, Margaret shrieks. Emilys waiting for you, and she wont be any longer.
Emily had come over just to keep David away from Margarets fridge. They cant afford to keep feeding you, you freeloader, so stay quiet!
Ill keep talking, David says confidently. She came because I caused her financial loss! If I side with my son, Ill pay Emily, not you. Shell feed me from my own wages!
Margaret knows her husbands temper well. If they part, she will do exactly as she says. She wont regret it later.
Enough, she declares. Take your debit card and head into London. Buy that culinary book I told you about, and then help me cook it. Youll be my assistant.
David nods, a grin spreading. Thats where it starts! In three minutes hes off, card in hand, heading for the train station where a small café offers a quick bite.
Emily! Margaret calls to the halfempty room. Lets fight first, then make peace!
Cant we just make up straight away? Emily asks, stepping into the communal kitchen.
The genre demands a proper showdown, Margaret shrugs.
Fine, Emily sighs, rolling her shoulders. Begin!
Margaret repeats her accusation, Are you feeding my husband? No conscience! First you tore my only son from my heart, now you try to push my husband out!
She can shout because the house is empty, and the genres rules require it.
Emily jumps in, What use does he have for me? Id rather feed my own husband and kids! But now some unexpected guest rummaged through the fridge and forced me to run to the shop. I dont print money!
Feed your husband better, so he doesnt overeat! Im cooking, but he keeps poking with his spoon and fork, making a mess! she adds, describing how the soninlaw swallows food like a cow.
What will I do if I catch him tasting my dishes? Hell be in the pot for a month! Emily snarls.
Margaret smiles, enjoying the sparring with her daughterinlaw. Its a friendly duel, a duet for everyones amusement.
Emily, Margaret says softly, patting the chair beside her, we need to teach my employee a lesson.
Your husband, thats your decision, Emily replies. Hes my fatherinlaw! If Jack finds out Im hurting his dad, where does that leave me?
Youre the villages healer, you know how to keep a man from turning sour, Margaret says. Ill be grateful for your help.
I can do it, Emily nods. You sent him off to get that cookbook, after all.
So what? Ill keep him on a leash! But first, I need him to turn away from your cooking. You came complaining yourself!
Im offering you cover for righteous revenge. Consider it an indulgence! Margaret offers. Just dont hurt my old manhes a joker, but hes family.
Alright, Emily agrees. Counterintelligence works! When hes unhappy, youll back me up, right?
Ill both support and reward you! Margaret promises.
—
Young families today are all about love, tenderness, and a shoestring budget. In England, anyone under thirty is either an entrepreneur or a freelancer. Jack and Emily are simple country folk. Jack trained as a mechanic, fixing tractors and combines on the local farm. Emily runs the village health post, though shes really a nurse.
When Jack returned to his hometown, Emily was assigned to the nearest medical centreno big city, just a modest clinic. They met while fixing a broken fence on the meadow, and Jack, seeing Emily in her white coat, immediately asked her to marry him.
Ill visit every day until you say yes! If you look at anyone else, you wont need my help any more! he declared. After a year of courting, Emily finally fell for him. Jack was kind, hardworking, honestthough he had little money.
They held a big, noisy wedding; relatives travelled four days to be there, squeezing into the train carriage. The newlyweds moved into Jacks parents house. The motherinlaw, Margaret, asks, How shall we live? One household or each on our own?
Whats there to think about? the fatherinlaw, David, replies. Theyre young, let them have separate homes!
So where do we go? Jack asks his dad.
Why walk anywhere? David chuckles. This house was built for two families, and when one left, the walls were knocked down. Its easy to put them back. One kitchen, one bathroom out backperfect for two families under one roof.
They settle as agreed, though they must quickly sort out living arrangements. Emily lived in a farm dormitory before, so she has few possessions. Margaret isnt keen on parting with her savings.
The daughterinlaw should bring a dowry, not drain the motherinlaws stash! Margaret declares.
They take out a loan for a fridge, a microwave, and a pile of dishes. Occasionally they buy more as needed. Life goes on.
Tensions flare in the shared kitchen, as they inevitably do. One day, when the children are four and nine, Emily prepares dinner, then rushes to a neighbouring village for an emergency call. She wraps a bowl of buckwheat porridge in a blanket for Jack to eat later and hurries off.
Jack meets her on return, eyes flashing. Do you have any conscience? Work is work, but you cant neglect the family! Im home from the farm, the kids are back from school, and theres nothing to eat!
What do you mean nothing? Emily asks, bewildered. I cooked!
I dont know what you cooked, but we opened the fridge, hoping for sandwiches, and found nothingno ham, no cheese, no butter! Emily, you should pay more attention to the household!
It looks suspicious. Emilys salary had just been transferred, and shed been to the town centre to stock the fridgeexpensively. They should have enough dried ham, cheese, and butter for three days.
Who would think a stranger would come in and snack while the owners are away? Margaret cooks for herself and her husband; Emilys fridge and pots are offlimits.
Even if the stove is on, she wont lower the heat or lift the lid, shouting that everything is running away from her.
Jack never stoops to petty arguments; he simply notes the missing items and grumbles.
The only suspect left is the fatherinlaw, because theres no one else to blame.
Emily first stays silent, then grows angry, then finally snaps. She isnt buying groceries just to feed the fatherinlaw.
When the accusations land on David, he raises his voice, insisting its all provocation. Wheres your proof? None! Do you feel sorry for a stranger, or for your own fatherinlaw?
Then at least put something in the fridge so you cant take it in good conscience! Emily retorts.
Not caught, not guilty! David declares. Being greedy is wrong!
Emily has no choice but to go to Margaret.
Were not swimming in money, she says. When I buy delicacies for my husband and children, its for them, not for your husband!
Margaret scoffs, If you feel sorry, speak up!
Yes, I feel sorry! Emily admits. I work, Jack works, we have two childrenyour grandchildren! Your husband gobbles them up, and thats acceptable?
They part, each nursing a bruise.
Later, the fatherinlaw complains that Emily cooks poorly, urging her to learn from her daughterinlaw. Margaret decides to take extreme measures to curb her husbands habits. She thinks the young couple should move out, because once a goat is let loose in the garden, you cant chase it away; if you drive it out, it will find another path.
But vengeance is on the agenda.
If Emily hadnt become a nurse, she might have joined the military. Her strategic mind could have wrought havoc. Yet she doesnt.
She draws a pentagram on the fridge and declares, I cast a spell! Anyone who feeds from this fridge without my permission will meet a terrible fate! Only my husband and my own children are exempt.
She lights a couple of candles, burns some sage, and, for effect, beats a copper basin with a ladle for five minutes.
David crosses himself, spits over his left shoulder, pins a safety pin under his shirt, and turns his trousers inside out. He grabs the fridge door, slices a roast, bites cherry tomatoes, shoves a mozzarella ball into his mouth, and smiles at the sunshine outside.
And nothing will happen to me! he boasts.
Emily watches with a cold stare. Sure, of course, she says, removing the charged food from the fridge and cursing, May the goddess of pharmacology punish you!
David swallows a mix of laxatives and a stimulant that makes his heart race. He staggers, then retreats to the garden to stroll before bedtime. He washes his own clothes, mutters prayers to his mother, grandmother, and greatgrandmother, and wonders if his daughterinlaw comes from the same lineageGod forbid.
Margaret keeps her promise. From somewhere she gathers two million pounds and gives it to Emily so she, Jack, and the kids can start building their own house.
Preferably in another village, Margaret hints. Ill add more money when my savings mature.
In the end everything settles well. Margaret visits her sons family often, while the fatherinlaw vows never to meddle again.
Id rather eat the earth than accept anything from her hands! Shes a witch, thats what she is! he mutters, but the peace holds.
