Mum was out at the kitchen window, giving her little indoor plants a good drink, when Emily my thirtyfiveyearold daughter barreled into the room.
Mom, are you on your own today? she asked.
Before you go on, why dont you say hello and ask how Im feeling? I said, smiling. Hey, love, how are you? Im feeling a bit out of sorts, and wheres Dad?
Im fine, according to the paperwork you know how I take the official word seriously, I replied. And Dad? Hes off believing in the Good Lord now.
Whered he go? Emily asked.
Use your brain, love. Where does he go on Saturdays? I teased.
In church she guessed.
Hope hes in the chapel, not chatting up some lady about God, I laughed. Whats gotten into you? Youre not thanking the Almighty again?
Oh, Mum, I cant take it any longer Im leaving Jack! she blurted.
Your Jack isnt exactly a terrible bloke, you know. You think therell be a queue of men waiting for you? Ha! Theyre the ones who get snatched up! I chuckled. Youre talking about the queen of the ShantyClub!
Whats with all this fuss over him? Do you think he loves you? she pressed.
And whats it to me if the borschts a bit sour because he doesnt love you? I just know my daughter. Marry a golddigger and youll end up hating every motherinlaw you meet. Youll drive anyone mad! I said, winking.
Mom, as they say, the apple doesnt fall far from the tree, Emily smirked.
And they also say, every family has a black sheep, I stuck out my tongue and gave her a playful wink. Now stop tearing my heart and just tell me what you need!
Alright, think about it: were going to a birthday party tonight. I want to give a £50 gift, and he says, Wow!
Well, whats wrong with that? No need to flash your wealth. Just grab six crystal goblets and be on your way, I suggested.
Smart thinking, she replied. Who needs those goblets now? Everybodys got them already.
Im not a judge, love. Im a cultural officer! I cant even remember how many years Ive been selling circus tickets and theyre always a hit! If they dont need goblets, theyll sell a lot of other stuff, you know?
Emily stared at me, indignant. Just then, a man in his forties walked in.
Whys the door open? Hello, Mum!
Oh, its you, Mark! So glad youre here. Want a bite? Ive got a wonderful fish thatll melt in your mouth. Id have sent Dad to fetch it if you hadnt turned up!
What about me? Emily snapped, feeling left out.
Sweetheart, Im sorry theres plenty for you too. I got so excited seeing Mark, I started bragging to the neighbours about my golden soninlaw. Hes better than any son! Come on, Mark, I want you to know Im on your side. My daughters been a bit of a whirlwind, but I think youre right. Want something on the kitchen table, or should I bring it over?
Thanks, Mum. We just had breakfast, Im not hungry, but I appreciate the support. My wife wont hear a word of reason otherwise, Mark said, chuckling. You know, Mum, shes not a terrible wife. Shes always praised you, said wonderful things about you, and I love you like a son.
Emily gulped some water and nearly choked on her words.
Mark moved closer and wrapped an arm around her.
Really? I thought youd be whining, he teased.
She ran off to get advice, didnt want to say anything. Fine, Ill tell you a secret: Dina wants to cook something special for you, but I wont spill the beans. We were just brainstorming like two housewives! She mentioned the gift and said you hadnt sorted it yet, so I told her youre right.
Emily listened, eyes wide, then smiled.
Mum, thanks. Ive got everything you told me. If I forget anything Ill give you a ring. Lets go.
Hold on, you cant leave until you fetch the fish for Mark, I said.
Only for Mark? Did you forget about me again?
Oh, my silly head, I laughed, you know hes my number one, then you, I added, shrugging apologetically.
Mark beamed. I handed him a fish wrapped in a striped tea towel, slipped it into a waterproof bag, and passed it over.
Here you go, enjoy, and make sure you finish it, or Ill be cross! I warned.
Thanks, Mum. Youre a true friend. Lucky me to have you as a motherinlaw! Mark said, taking his wifes hand. Shall we, Dina?
Go on, Ill catch up and say goodbye to you both, Emily called after them.
Mark stepped out, then Emily leaned in, whispering.
Mum, youre a brilliant actress! The Royal Opera would weep for you! How did you leave Dad without a cent?
You know, love, I dont want you crying over everything. Dad and I will have our fish feast another day. Remember, to keep peace at home youve got to play a little bit of the actress, too.
