Whats with you and that Harriet? Why do you even need a wife like that? Shes had a baby, gone soft, and now she waddles around like a blimp. You think shell slim down? Sure, keep waitingit’s only going to get worse!
Whats the deal with this sofa? Why do you even need a wife like that? Shes had a child, spread out, now she waddles like a zeppelin. You reckon shell lose the weight? Yeah, keep hanging onitll only get worse!
But shes calm, and I actually like that shes got a bit of flesh now. She used to be skinny as a sticknow shes got curves!
Frederick says this about his wife and cant stop smiling. His best mate, James, immediately slaps him on the shoulder.
Hey, dont get carried away, alright? Who cares what you fancy. Youll turn up with her at the New Years office party and youll be too ashamed to meet the lads eyetoeye. Youre a tall, broad, handsome bloke. A womans prime is short, but us men? Were eligible bachelors at any age!
Fred just shakes his head. Still, a thought sneaks in that maybe hes lingered in this marriage too long. Once he was a bit of a womaniseruntil Harriet changed him. Calm, beautiful, kind, caring. And she cooks so well you cant pull yourself away from the plate. Fred has put on about ten pounds since they married, and theyve just had a baby.
Youve got to swap out a wife regularly, like old tyres! James roars with laughter. I divorced mine and now Im seeing Emma. Young, sturdy. And if anything goes wrong, Ill trade her in for someone else!
After that chat, Fred thinks more and more about Jamess words. James keeps winding him up, and Fred suddenly starts taking those ideas as his own. Maybe he really has been stuck in this marriage?
Harriet, youve, uh, put on
He barely gets past the first word when his wife, clutching their newlyasleep infant, widens her eyes.
And what of it? Blimey, Ive gained five poundsis that a tragedy? Im the one looking after the baby, sleepdeprived, working from home. The whole household falls on me: watching the baby, finishing work, sorting the bills, paying the utilities, buying groceries, cooking everything! And youre going to nag me about five measly pounds?!
It feels like a pipe has burst in Harriets soul. She wants to break down in tears from the hurt that her husband doesnt value any of it. And if she left, hed be alone with all those problems, drowning in them.
Why do you keep harping on those pounds? I brought a whole human into the world, and youre on about weight!
Harriet sniffles and heads to the nursery with the baby in her arms. Fred stays seated in the chair. If he had another wife, maybe she wouldnt be shouting.
Day by day, Fred sinks deeper into the thoughts James planted. The more he thinks about it, the more he believes James is right. He wont abandon his childhell helpbut having a backup never hurts.
Look how Emma from the second department looks at you! She devours you with her eyes! Shes single, I checked. Gorgeous, fit. Just look at hershe belongs in a painting! Next to her, your Harriet doesnt even compare! James says, strolling up to the table.
Sure enough, Emily stands by the water cooler. A pretty young woman, she glances over now and then. Fred hasnt seen that fire in her eyes James talks about, but James is more experiencedhe must know better!
Youll get home and a woman like that will be waiting! Imagineheels, lingerie, everything to make a bloke happy! And yours? Probably in a robe with baby spitup stains! Youre getting on in yearssoon itll be harder to find a girl.
James pats Fred on the shoulder, then heads back to his department, tossing a couple of dirty jokes at Emily. Fred feels a pang of envy toward his mate. James can always strike up a chat with any woman, walk away the next day bragging about a new phone number or a photo from a successful night.
Fred visits his mother and starts talking about how his wife, sort ofsince he hasnt decidedno longer suits him. But Lily Whitaker, who has always been on her sons side, doesnt back him this time.
You little wretch, your wife gave you a child, she works, runs the whole house, shes a beautyand you turn up your nose?! You men are all the same, Fred. You dont know how to value what you havealways eyeing the woods like wolves. Then you end up old and alone, howling at the moon!
Her words fly right past his ears. He keeps watching Emily at work, catching her glances, thinking maybe James is right. Time marches onhell never get someone that young later, you dont need a fortuneteller to see it. One day Fred comes home so wound up he can think of nothing but his mates words.
Fred sits across from his wife, who is rocking the baby after yet another sleepless night. Dark circles sit under her eyes, her skin isnt the same as before. She no longer has the athletic shape she once had. He knows he loves her, but it terrifies him to realise he might be missing all his male chances.
You know, Harriet, I think we should split. Youve changed since the birth. Ive realised a lot, and maybe it really is time.
Theres nothing concrete in Freds words. He hesitates, trying to find gentler phrasing, feeling like an idiotas if hed fallen for a scam and now shies away whenever anyone asks about it.
At first Harriet says nothing. She just looks into his tired eyes, and in hers there is only wearinessno anger or disappointment. She puts the baby in the cot, packs two suitcases, grabs the child, and heads for the hallway. She hadnt spoken until then, but now its clear shes leaving.
Fred wants to shout, to stop her, to drop to his knees and apologise. But the moment he imagines humiliating himself in front of James by recounting it all, those urges vanish.
You know what, Fred Maybe you should live on your own for a whilewithout me, without your son. When you had that accident and were bedridden, I nursed you for a year. I worked at the same time, emptied your bedside tables, got you exercises, found the best doctors, took out loans and paid them off. I never said a word thendidnt hint at divorce or that our relationship was not quite right. And you threw me out with a baby in my arms over five miserable pounds.
Harriet turns and leaves, not waiting for realisation to dawn on her husbands bewildered face. Fred stands in the doorway, listening to her footsteps fade, feeling only a crushing sense of having made an irreversible mistake.
The next day Fred arrives at work with no mood for anything. Everything slips through his fingers. James hops around him, congratulating him, grabbing his hand like schoolboys in the playground.
Well, thats thatgo start flirting with Emma. What a stunnerotherwise Ill steal her from you.
James laughs, but Fred isnt amused. He looks up, and James seems to get it.
Heres what Ill tell you, James. I was an idiot to believe you. I had a wife any bloke would die of envy over! I have a son, a good family! I dont need your young chicks!
Youre talking like a henpecked husband, not a man!
And a man in your book is someone who ditches his wife and his own child? Or a man who cant keep it in his pants and hops from girl to girl? Or is a man to you someone who cant stay faithful to one woman and bolts like a stray dog the second a skirt swishes by?
James takes offense at the way Fred rebukes his adviceand at the sore spot those words hit. The best friends have a blazing row. Fred decides that if nothing changes, he wont be friends with James any longer. With a best friend like that, you dont need enemies.
That very day Fred goes to his wife with a huge bouquet of flowers. He drops to his knees and begs forgiveness, honestly admitting hed fallen for his mates tall tales. He blames only himself and pleads for pardon. Harriet forgives him; they move back into their flat and start living in harmony again. It even seems to Fred that he loves his wife more than ever. He no longer sees her as just a package.
To him, Harriet is the most beautiful, the very best. To hell with the pounds, with the tired look. Fred begins helping his wife actively, taking on more responsibility with the baby. He sits with the child, gets up at night, puts him to sleep. He takes over the laundry and the cooking when needed. Meanwhile his wife begins to blossomshe even signs up for the gym.
Little by little, in tiny steps, their relationship returns to its old course. Fred promises himself he will never do anything like that again. For him, the whole situation becomes an important lesson: you must always use your own head.
