They wheeled me down the sterile corridors of the county hospital in Surrey.
Where to? one nurse asked another, voice tight.
Maybe a private bay, maybe a shared ward?
Why would we put her in a shared ward when a private ones available?
The nurses looked at me with genuine pity. I later learned that private rooms were reserved for those near the end, hidden from the other patients.
The doctor ordered a private bay, the second nurse repeated, and the tension eased from my shoulders.
When the bed finally cradled me, a wave of calm washed over me. I realized I no longer had to go anywhere, owed nothing to anyone. A strange detachment settled in, and I cared for nothing beyond my own breath. I had, at last, permission to rest. Alone with my soul, with my life, the clamor of the world fell away. The petty worries that had once seemed urgent shrank to insignificance beside eternity.
Then, suddenly, real life burst through the walls. The morning chorus of sparrows, a sunbeam crawling along the plaster above the bed, golden leaves drifting past the window, a deepblue autumn sky, the city waking with its chorus of horns, hurried footsteps on the pavement, the rustle of falling foliageGod, how beautiful this world is! And I only now understood it.
Fine, I whispered to myself, I have a few days left to savour it, to love it with all my heart.
A surge of freedom and joy rose inside me, demanding expression. I turned to the Almighty, who had seemed nearer than ever.
Lord! I cried, tears of gratitude spilling. Thank you for letting me see how wonderful life can be, even at its edge.
Peace settled over me like golden light, the world trembling with divine love. It felt as if love itself had become a tangible, lifegiving force. I was filled with it.
My private bay and the diagnosisacute stagefour leukemiawere a grim backdrop, but they also carried a strange advantage. Visitors could come at any hour. Relatives were invited to say their goodbyes, and a procession of mournful kin gathered around my bed. I saw the awkwardness on their faces, the difficulty of speaking to someone whose time was ending. Their bewildered expressions made me smile. I wanted to share my love with them, to lift the heaviness. I told funny anecdotes from my past; laughter erupted, and the farewells turned into a celebration.
Around the third day, boredom set in. I began pacing the ward, sitting by the window. The doctor, Dr. Thompson, burst in, furious at my defiance.
Will this change anything? I asked.
No, he stammered, but youre not supposed to get up.
Why not?
Youve got a deadbody analysis. You cant live, yet youre trying to rise.
Four days had passed, the maximum allotted. I wasnt dying; I was munching bananas with appetite. Dr. Thompson looked helpless; the blood tests remained stubbornly pink, and I slipped out to the hallway to watch television.
Doctor, how would you like those results to look? I teased.
At least something sensible, she muttered, scribbling indecipherable letters and numbers that I pretended to read.
At nineam the next morning she stormed in, shouting, What are you doing with the tests?!
Doing what? I replied. Theyre exactly as you wrote.
Ah wheres the point? she huffed, and the argument fizzled. I was moved to a shared ward. My relatives had already left, their goodbyes said.
Five other women occupied the bays, staring mute at the walls, each quietly slipping away. I endured three hours, my love for life gasping for air. I needed a miracle, fast.
I hauled a watermelon from beneath the bed, sliced it on the trolley, and announced loudly, Watermelon cures chemo nausea!
A scent of hope drifted through the ward. My neighbours inched closer, curious.
Really works? one asked.
Absolutely, I replied, confidence in my tone.
The watermelon crackled under our teeth.
Its true, said the lady by the window.
It works for me too, chimed others, their faces brightening.
Here you go, I said, nodding satisfied, and launched into more lighthearted stories.
At two in the morning a nurse burst in, irate, When will you stop laughing? Youre keeping the whole floor awake!
Three days later Dr. Thompson, uncertain, asked, Could you move to another ward?
Why?
Patients here are improving, but the next ward is full of critical cases.
No! we cried, Dont let us go.
We werent let go. Neighbours from other bays drummed in just to sit, talk, and laugh. I understood whyour ward was saturated with love. It wrapped around each of us, making the air warm and calm.
A sixteenyearold girl in a white headscarf tied at the napeher scarfs dangling ends made her look like a shy bunnycaught my eye. Shed been diagnosed with lymph node cancer and seemed incapable of smiling. A week later her smile blossomed, shy yet magical, as the treatment took hold. When she announced her recovery, we threw a little feast, laying out a splendid spread.
The oncall doctor, stunned, said, Ive been here thirty years, and Ive never seen anything like this. He turned and walked away, his expression haunting us for days.
I read books, wrote poems, gazed out the window, chatted with my companions, strolled the corridors, and fell in love with everything: the novel, the neighbour, the old car idling outside, the ancient oak in the courtyard. Vitamins were injected; the needle prick was a small reminder of lifes fragility. The doctor barely spoke to me, casting strange glances as he passed. After three weeks he whispered, Your haemoglobin is twenty units above the normal range. No need to raise it further.
I cant confirm your diagnosis, he added. Youre getting better, even without treatment.
When discharge day arrived, the doctor confessed, Its a shame youre leaving; we still have many tough cases. All the patients left the ward, and the departments mortality rate fell by thirty percent.
Life went on, but I saw it through a new lens. The purpose was simple: learn to love, and your wishes will blossom if you nurture them with love, without deceit, jealousy, or malice.
Thats all there is to it.
Because its trueGod is Love.
Just remember this in time, and share it with others.
May divine love fill everyone and everything.
