Look, Ive tried dating apps so many times, but its exhausting Women expect you to message them, keep them interested, wear out your fingers typing, listen to their boring little problems If there was a way to skip all that, Id be over the moon! said Vincent. Couldnt it just happen? No small talk, no memorising lads mag jokes, no pretending to be clever?
Of course! shrugged the creature made of thick, grey smoke. You can have whatever you want today. Thats why you summoned me, isnt it?
Right. Then add this: Im not spending a penny on her. Not a single quid. No coffee dates, no buying her Victoria sponge cakes that might not even pay off. No dressing up, no sucking in my gut, no putting on airs Shed just take me straight home. Can you do that?
The smoky figure produced a notepad and pen, scribbling down the order like an obliging waiter before nodding.
Anything else?
Well obviously, she cant ask for anything material. You know how women arealways wanting iPhones, diamonds, fur coats Not that Ive ever bought any, but blokes at the pub talk. Pure, selfless love, like those European or Filipino girls. Abroad, women work while men sit at home, and no one bats an eye. Here, theyd call you a kept man before you could blink. I want none of that.
Consider it done! The creature waved a hand. But Vincent, youre being awfully modest. You summoned a demon, not signed up for a matchmaking service. Women like that exist without magicbut youve got options. Why not aim higher?
Fine. Shes got to be domestic! Vincent counted on his fingers. Keeps the house tidy, cooks well, never nags me about helpingthats one. Always sweet, always happy to see metwo. And no kidsthree. Everyone knows women want babies. I dont. Thats it.
Bit tame The smoke figure shook its head. Not my place to judge, but looks? The women youve described? Youll find them. But they wont be pretty, or young. I assume youd prefer a uni girl?
Yes, a uni girl! Vincent nearly jumped, thrilled hed almost forgotten the best part. Tall, gorgeous, slim, skin like peaches. But kind, tender-hearted, not like these modern girls, all sharp edges and entitlement
Naturally! said the creature. For a second, Vincent thought it smirkedthough how smoke smiles, he couldnt say. Not that it mattered. Soon, shed find him, take him home, and
Vincent shut his eyes in bliss. When he opened them, he was sprawled in the snow behind a pub, ribs throbbing. A sausage wrapper and fish bones littered the ground. Everything loomed strangely largeuntil a womans laugh, light as bells, rang out.
Emily, look! Poor little thingmustve been attacked by dogs! Im taking him home. Ill care for him, spoil him rotten
Too soft-hearted, Annie! came a harsher voice. Always dragging strays in. What if he yowls all spring? Gets some tabby pregnant?
He wont. Ill get him fixed. Come here, sweetheart
Delicate hands scooped him up. Vincent tried to shoutbut all that came out was a pitiful mewl.
