“You’re not my wifewe never went to the registry office, did we?”
“What kind of wife am I to you? Did we sign papers? Exchange rings?”
Emily lowered her gaze. Shed dreamed of all that, but years passed, and life carried on without formalities.
“No! No! And no!” growled David. “You’re nothing to me! What gave you the right to call yourself my wife?”
“Davey, talk to me, please!” she pleaded, reaching for his hand.
“Got anything useful to add?” He jerked away. “Youve already put your foot in it!”
“I didnt even say anything” Emily mumbled.
“Mark my wordssilence is golden! Especially for you!” He turned pointedly to the window.
“Stop sulking, love!” She edged closer.
“You shouldve kept your mouth shut!” David threw his hands up. “Where do you women learn to wreck everything in one sentence? Is there a secret school for driving men mad?”
Emily assumed he was still cross about their morning spatDavid had smashed two mugs, his and hers.
“How could you?” shed fumed. “Most people have hands, but yours are like spades! Fine, break yours, but why touch mine? Trying to leave us mugless?”
Just a silly domestic squabble. The sort of thing youd shrug off. But David had stomped off to work and returned icy, skipping dinner despite her calling him three times. Time to make up.
“Oh, come on, well buy new mugs at Harrods on Saturday! And your handswell, practice makes perfect!”
“What mugs?!” Davids eyes flashed. “Do you even realise what youve done with your blabbering?”
“I can apologise” Emily faltered. “Dont be angry!”
“Apologise?” He let out a hollow laugh. “If sorry could undo your words, Id be over the moon! But no, youve finished me off!”
“For heavens sake, what did I even say?” It finally dawned on herthis wasnt about crockery.
“Who told my boss today that she was speaking to Davids wife?!” He trembled with rage.
“You were in the shower, the phone rang” she babbled. “I answered, said to wait. She asked who I was. So, I said wife. When I passed the phone, shed hung up. Whats the crime?”
“Youre seriously asking?!” David turned crimson, a vein throbbing. “What wife? Did we sign papers? Exchange rings?”
Emily swallowed. Shed dreamed of it, but
“No! No! And no!” he roared. “Youre nothing! What gave you the right to call yourself my wife?”
***
“How longs this pantomime going on?” smirked Margaret.
“Mum” Emily frowned. “Times have changed. Youre one to talkafter Dad, you had your fair share of flings!”
“Dont slander your mother!” She kept smiling. “At my age, gossip slides right off. But youre youngthink ahead!”
“Mum, fifty-five isnt ancient! You might still get swept off your feet!”
“If a decent chap comes along, why not?” She smoothed her silver strands. “Till then, Ill make do with stand-ins.”
“Youre unbelievable!” Emily snorted.
Then her mother turned serious:
“Love, I get itplenty live together, have kids. But legally, its cohabitation. No guarantees!”
“If theres love, guarantees dont matter.”
“Love fadeswhats left? A proper husband means alimony, a share in assets. Without papers, youll get nothing, not even in court!”
“David and I are happy! Six years together. Why bother with paperwork? We earn the same.”
“Not good enough!” Margaret wagged a finger. “Drop hints! Call him hubby, joke about wifely duties. Ease him into it. Thenwalk him down the aisle!”
“What if I scare him off?” Emily shook her head. “Happiness is fragiledont push luck!”
“Your life,” sighed Margaret. “But remember: responsibility is maturity. What youve got is just daft.”
***
Her mothers advice stuck. Marriage was insurance. Even her mate Jessica agreed:
“Imagine you get a mortgage. Its in Daves name. If you split?”
“Always the pessimist!”
“Say he gifts the flat to his nephew. You wont get a say! No ring, no rightsjust wasted breath in court.”
“Ill save receipts, call witnesses!”
“Or” Jessica grinned, “just marry him.”
“Mum said to tease him with hubby. Ease him in.”
“Well, get on with it!”
***
Emily started calling David “husband” at every turn. At first, he chuckled, but soon it stuck. She almost believed it herselfuntil that fateful call to his boss: “This is his wife.”
***
“Weve been together six years!” Emilys voice wavered. “I thought we were family. Kids, growing old together”
“You shouldve thought before speaking!” He paced furiously. “Now Im sacked because of you!”
“But I always call you my husband!”
“The difference is, youve wrecked my career!” David slammed his keys down. “I wouldnt marry you nowI wont even live with you! Pack your things!”
“Youre serious?” She gaped. “So I said wife”
“Sarah kept me on because she fancied me! Now she thinks Im marriedyoure in her way!”
***
A week later, Sarah herself rang the bell:
“Sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I wanted to explain. Not about the sackingabout years of deceit. We all thought he was single”
“Were not married,” whispered Emily.
“Cohabiting,” Sarah corrected. “But now youre free. And honestly” She gave a thin smile, “hes not worth it. Not a husband, not a partnerjust a bit of a muppet.”
Emily nodded. There was nothing left to say.
