Natalie has been planning this for agesto adopt a child from a childrens home. Her husband of six years left her for a younger, more successful woman, and she feels drained by marriage, with no energy or desire to try again at building a life with someone who would be through thick and thin. She decides that if shes going to pour her effort and warmth into something, it will be for a child who truly needs it.
She gets to work, learns the procedures at social services, gathers all the paperwork, and now the crucial step is to find the boy who will become her son, the continuation of the love shes accumulated over her thirtyeight years. She isnt looking for a newborn; shes afraid she wouldnt manage a baby, having passed the age when women instinctively want to stay up late, swaddle, rock, and coo. So she heads to the orphanage hoping to meet a threetofiveyearold little fellow who could be her own.
On the bus, Natalie feels the nervous flutter of a first date, oblivious to the fullbloom spring outside the city windows fresh, cool, and lit by an impossibly bright sun. The bus rattles on the bends while she worries about the child who already exists somewhere in the world, yet doesnt know hes meant for her.
Through the glass, the capitals streets hum with traffic, steelglinting cars and hurried pedestrians. No one can see that Natalie is on her way to meet her own happiness. She turns away from the other passengers, staring at the window, but she cant see the scene outside either; shes already smiling at the son she will meet in a few minutes.
The stop is called Childrens Home. She steps out and sees a weathered manor with crumbling plaster on its columns, now patched in a camouflagelike paint, as if to hide it from an imagined enemy. She walks in, explains her purpose to the guard, who points her toward the headmistresss office.
Inside, she introduces herself to a frail, almost grandmotherly woman in a threadbare, knitted cardigan. The headmistress looks provincial and a bit unkempt, but her eyes reveal someone who has long been exactly where she belongs. Their conversation is brief; they had spoken on the phone the night before.
Shall we go pick? the headmistress asks, rising from her seat.
Natalie follows obediently. Down a long corridor lined with darkblue panels, the headmistress calls over her shoulder, The younger group is in the playroom now, so well join them. She pushes open the door, and both women step across the threshold.
Inside, about fifteen childrenboys and girlstumble about on a carpeted floor surrounded by toy cupboards. A caregiver sits at a little table by the window, scribbling notes and glancing up now and then to keep a watchful eye on the chaos.
As soon as the adults enter, the children rush to the doors, surrounding the women, clinging to knees, lifting faces, and shouting like a chorus of birds:
This is my mum! Follow me!
No, thats my mum! I saw her in a dream last night!
Take me! Im your daughter!
The headmistress absentmindedly pats the kids on the heads while quietly giving Natalie brief descriptions of each. Natalie feels overwhelmedshe wants a child, any child.
All the kids gather, except for one boy perched on a small stool by the window, who hasnt approached the adults. He turns his head, eyes scanning the familiar view outside.
Natalie walks toward him and places her hand gently on his head. From beneath her palm, tiny, slightly slanted eyes of an indeterminate hue stare back, set in a cheeky face with a broad nose and faint, light eyebrows. He looks nothing like the boy she had imagined. He blurted, You wont pick me anyway.
He watches her intently, as if pleading for something else.
Why do you think that, love? Natalie asks, keeping her hand on his head.
Because Im always sniffling and get sick a lot, he replies. And I have a little sister, Ellie, in the baby group. I run to her every day and pat her head so she remembers she has an older brother. My names Billy, and I wont go anywhere without Ellie.
A sudden run of snot drips from his nose, the result of his nervousness.
In that moment, Natalie realizes she has spent her whole life waiting to meet a runnynosed Billy, his frequent illnesses, and his sister Elliepeople she hasnt yet seen but already loves.
