I Never Loved My Wife and Always Told Her So: The Fault Wasn’t HersWe Lived Well Enough
I never loved my wife, and I told her as much many times. It wasnt her faultwe lived reasonably well together.
My name is Edward Whitmore, and I live in Canterbury, where the ghosts of hard times still linger in our hearts. I never loved my wife, Margaret, and I told her so, like a bitter truth I could scarcely bear. She didnt deserve itshe never made a scene, never scolded me, always kind, attentive, almost saintly. Yet my heart stayed cold, like the frozen Thames in winter. There was no love, and it ate away at me from the inside.
Every morning I woke with the same thought: leaving. I dreamed of finding a woman whod set me ablaze, leave me breathless. But fate played a cruel trick, turned everything upside down, and left me adrift. Margaret was comfortable as an old armchair. She kept the house immaculate, had looks that turned heads, and friends would say, Where did you find her, you lucky devil? I didnt even know why I deserved her loyalty. Just an ordinary man, nothing special, and she loved me as if I were her whole world. How was that possible?
Her love suffocated me. Worse was the thought that if I left, shed be taken by anothersomeone more successful, handsome, wealthy, someone whod value what I couldnt see. Imagining her in another mans arms filled me with blind fury. She was mineeven if Id never loved her. That sense of possession was stronger than me, stronger than reason. But can you live a whole life beside someone your heart doesnt beat for? I thought I could, but I was wronga storm brewed inside me, impossible to contain.
Ill tell her everything tomorrow, I decided as I lay in bed. At breakfast, I gathered what little courage I had. Margaret, sit down, we need to talk, I began, looking into her calm eyes. Of course, my dear, whats the matter? she replied with her usual gentleness. Suppose we divorced. I leave, we live apart She laughed as if Id made a joke: What strange thoughts! Is this some game? Listen, Im serious, I cut in. Very well, Ive imagined it. So what? she asked, still smiling. Tell me the truthwould you find someone else if I left? She went still. Edward, whats got into you? Why think such things? There was worry in her voice. Because I dont love you, and I never have, I blurted, like a blow.
Margaret paled. What? Are you joking? I dont understand. I want to leave, but the thought of you with another drives me mad, I said, my voice trembling. She fell silent, then answered with wise sadness: I wont find anyone better than you, dont worry. Go, Ill stay alone. Promise? I slipped out before I could stop myself. Of course, she nodded, gazing at me. Waitbut where would I go? I hesitated. Youve nowhere to stay? she asked, surprised. No, weve always been together. Seems Ill have to stick around, I muttered, feeling the ground vanish. Dont worry, said Margaret. After the divorce, well trade this house for two smaller ones. Really? I never thought youd help me so much. Why? I asked, stunned. Because I love you. When you love someone, you dont chain them down. Her words rang like a verdict.
Months passed. We divorced. Then came the rumors: Margaret lied. Shed found anothertall, confident, with a warm smile. The flat she inherited from her grandmother? Never crossed her mind to share. I was left with nothingno home, no family, no faith in people. The betrayal cut deep, a knife in the back, and to this day I hear her voice: Ill stay alone. A lie. Cold, calculated, and I fell for it, like a fool.
How can I trust women now? I dont know. Life with her was comfortable but empty, and now I dont even have that. Im in a rented room, staring at the wall, replaying that conversation. Her calm, her wordsall just a mask. Friends say, Your fault, Edward, what did you expect? And theyre right. I didnt love her, but I wanted to keep her, like a possession. And she left, abandoned me to the loneliness I feared most. Maybe thats my penancefor the coldness, the selfishness, for never valuing her heart. Now Im alone, and the silence around me hurts more than her leaving. What do they think of my actions? I dont even know whos the bigger foolme or her.
