I can’t forget him even after a decade. How do I move forward?
I was only 23 when I went to study in England. Young, naive, full of hopes and dreams—I never imagined how one encounter could turn my world upside down and leave an indelible mark that remains to this day.
On my very first day at university, fate introduced me to Matthew. He was ten years older than me, English, reserved, calm—quite different from the type of men I was typically drawn to. Yet, when our eyes met, it was as if everyone else disappeared. There were twenty people at the table, but I only saw him. Something inside of me trembled, as though I had found someone I’d been searching for all my life.
We began to meet more often, discovering mutual friends along the way. Gradually, we grew closer, and soon our story began. He started learning Polish, and I took up English in earnest. It was pure euphoria. In his arms, I felt like myself; in his voice, I heard a tenderness I’d only encountered in films before. I was truly happy—until the moment I discovered he was married, with a wife and a child back in England.
My world collapsed in an instant. I wanted to walk away, break it all off, forget. But I couldn’t. He explained he was planning a divorce—his wife had been unfaithful, their relationship was long broken, and he was merely waiting for the right time. I was torn apart and eventually returned home to Poland, feeling shattered.
For three months, I hardly left the house. The only person I communicated with was Matthew. Every day, for hours, we talked on Skype. He didn’t leave me alone in that abyss. When I finally decided to return to England, he met me at the airport with flowers and a warm meal he’d cooked himself. He was always caring, always checking if I had enough money, if I was warm, if I’d eaten. He was like an older brother while being my love all at once.
But soon everything fell apart again. Matthew’s wife decided not to divorce him—she wanted to stay together for the child. He couldn’t leave her, couldn’t abandon his son. He honestly told me there was no future for us. I was alone once more. For the second time, my heart was in pieces.
A year passed. I still couldn’t forget him. Then, David came into my life—also English, from the same town as Matthew. We started dating, and later I became pregnant and gave birth. We weren’t married, but we lived as a family. During all this time, I continued corresponding with Matthew. He would ask mutual friends about me, express concern for how I was doing, how my child was. He hadn’t left my life, although he was in the background.
One day—on 19th January—David and I were supposed to get married. But for some reason, we postponed the wedding to the summer. And just two days later, on 21st January, Matthew found me and told me he was finally divorced. He was free. And I realized I couldn’t marry David. I couldn’t deceive him or myself.
I told David the whole truth. That I had loved another man all these years. That I couldn’t forget. That I fought against this feeling, but it was stronger than me. Matthew also confessed he never forgot me, that he thought about me the entire time.
I introduced Matthew to my child. He suggested we live together. And although my heart ached with guilt towards David, I knew I had no other choice. I had lived in the past for too long. For ten years, I tried to erase Matthew from my memory, yet he was inside me every moment.
I don’t want to take the child away from David. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a good man and a wonderful father. But you don’t choose love. It either exists, or it doesn’t.
Now I stand at a crossroads. My heart beats with pain and hope. I look into my child’s eyes, unsure how to explain that sometimes, to find happiness, you have to take a leap into the unknown. I gaze into Matthew’s eyes and see that same spark I saw the day we first met.
Ten years ago, I didn’t know what true love was. Now I do. But this love has brought so many tears, so much loss that I’m uncertain whether I can find lasting happiness. And yet, I choose it. Because I’ve never felt anything stronger in my life.
