“You’re not my wife! Did we ever sign the register? Did we exchange rings?”
Laura hesitated. She longed for all of that, but somehow they’d managed without it.
“No! No! And no!” shouted Andrew. “You’re nothing to me! So why do you call yourself my wife?”
“Andy, please don’t punish me with silence,” pleaded Laura tearfully. “Let’s talk about it!”
“Do you have anything to say?” Andrew was outraged. “Haven’t you already said more than you should have?”
“But I didn’t say anything terrible,” Laura remarked.
“Remember this: silence is golden! Especially in your case!” he turned away.
“Sweetheart, stop sulking!” she moved closer to him.
“It would be better if you said nothing at all!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “How do women manage to ruin everything with just one phrase? Is it something they teach you at school or on a course about driving men mad?”
Laura took Andrew’s silence as a grudge for her morning outburst about the broken cups. And Andrew, indeed, had shattered both hers and his.
“How could you? Everyone else has normal hands, but yours seem to come from somewhere else!” she was annoyed. “Alright, you broke yours, but why touch mine? Or was it on purpose, so we’d be left without our favorite mugs?”
It was a typical domestic scolding, something most people would ignore. But Andrew left for work offended and returned without saying a word to her.
He was sulking and ignoring her, not even coming for dinner despite her calling him thrice.
But peace had to be restored!
“Andy, forget about the mugs, let’s go to the department store on Saturday and buy new ones! Your hands are perfectly fine,” she said.
“What mugs are you on about?” Andrew looked at Laura with wide eyes. “Do you even understand what you’ve done with your words?”
“I can apologize,” Laura said hesitantly. “Please, darling, don’t be angry!”
“Apologize?” he laughed hysterically. “If words could fix what you’ve done, I’d be the happiest man alive! But now, you’ve crushed me, destroyed me, ruined me completely!”
“My God, what did I even say?” Laura realized it wasn’t about the mugs and couldn’t imagine what it could be.
“And who said my boss was speaking to Andrew’s wife today?” bellowed Andrew, spitting in her face.
“You were in the shower, and the phone wouldn’t stop ringing,” Laura explained, “I answered, asked her to wait, and when she asked who I was… I said ‘the wife.’ By the time I handed you the phone, she’d hung up. What’s the big deal?”
“And you still ask what’s the big deal?” Andrew’s face turned red with a throbbing vein on his temple. “You’re not my wife! Did we ever sign the register or exchange rings?”
Laura hesitated. She longed for all of that, but they’d somehow managed without it.
“No! No! And no!” shouted Andrew. “You’re nobody to me! So by what right do you call yourself my wife?”
***
“How long will this go on?” Sophia asked, smiling at her daughter.
“Mum,” Laura looked at her reproachfully, “times have changed, and frankly, your old-fashioned speeches don’t suit you. You’ve lived with many suitors yourself since Dad passed.”
“Don’t you slander your mother! I know what I need!” Sophia kept smiling. “I’m old enough that no gossip sticks. But you’re young, with a whole life ahead of you!”
“Mum, fifty-four isn’t old! You could still get married again, maybe more than once with today’s trends!”
“If a decent man came along, maybe I would,” she smoothed her hair. “But for now, I make do with substitutes.”
“And you have the nerve to lecture me!” Laura laughed.
Sophia’s smile faded:
“Laurie, I understand many live together without marriage these days and raise kids as normal families. But legally, it’s still just living together, which doesn’t guarantee anything!”
“Mum, love is better than any guarantee,” Laura argued.
“Love today, gone tomorrow. But a legal husband provides security! Alimony for a child, for instance. And property, like a house or car—without marriage, you could end up with nothing!”
“Mum, Andy and I have a great relationship! We’ve lived together for six years. Who needs formalities? We earn the same.”
“Unconvincing!” Sophia wagged a finger. “Laurie, at least hint at the idea! Casually call him your ‘hubby’ or ask for a hug for his ‘wifey.’ Let him grow accustomed to the words. Soon enough, he might just slip a ring on your finger!”
“And if those words scare him, I’ll get a row, then sulking, and finally, loneliness!” Laura shook her head. “Mum, happiness is fragile; it needs to be cherished, not tested!”
“Well, it’s your life,” Sophia shrugged, “and I’ll accept you either way, with or without grandkids, God willing. But remember, while flings are all well and good, adult life comes with responsibilities. In your setup, nobody owes anything to anyone, which might be fair but is impractical!”
Laura was grateful to her mother for her kindness and support but her words gave Laura food for thought.
Marriage, as a safety net, seemed to offer more to women than men.
Even her friend Annie thought Laura should make it official with Andrew, though she provided different reasoning:
“Imagine taking out a mortgage, buying a car, or getting a holiday home. At the very least, you’ll probably acquire household goods on credit. Naturally, these loans will be in the name of the head of your surrogate family.”
“Annie,” Laura admonished, “let’s tone down the semantics!”
“Alright,” Annie conceded. “In Andy’s name then. And what if you decide to part ways?”
“Stop being so negative!”
“Fine!” Annie waved her hand. “Something unexpected happens, and you split,” her eloquent look made Laura raise an eyebrow, prompting Annie to adjust her tone. “Andy might decide to gift the home or the car to a favorite relative. And he could, leaving you unable to protest!”
“I could protest, at least,” reassured Laura.
“Sure, you could speak up,” Annie gave a wry smile, “but would you be able to prove it was joint property paid from a shared account? That’s how you’d miss out on assets you’ve accrued together.”
“What about court? Witnesses?”
“The only way to protect yourself is through court. But proving your case can be difficult; establishing your rights even more so. The new owner might introduce witnesses who claim you contributed nothing!”
“You’re describing the worst-case scenario!” exclaimed Laura.
“I’m sharing a standard case in court when couples live like you and Andy do.”
“So you’re suggesting I collect receipts, keep accounts, and record every financial discussion with Andrew!”
“Or simply take him to the registry office,” Annie’s kind, open smile suggested this was the best option.
“Mother also thinks I should drag him there, even if it takes a rope. But I should start by familiarizing him with the terms ‘husband’ and ‘wife.'”
“That’s exactly what you should do.”
***
The word “hubby” soon found its way into her usual affectionate vocabulary, alongside “wifey” for herself. These terms fit snugly into their conversations.
Initially, Laura worried Andy would explode, but he only chuckled and never repeated the treasured phrases himself.
But Laura didn’t let up. She called Andrew her husband and herself his wife, at every suitable moment, until the words slipped from her lips during a call from Andy’s boss, as if she were used to the title.
***
“Andy, we’ve been together for years,” Laura stated, “I thought we were family. Yeah, without any formalities, but that’s normal these days. We have children and a long, happy future ahead!”
“You should’ve kept on thinking that way, instead of burdening my boss with ‘wife’ talk. You didn’t need to answer, just hand over my phone and stay out of it!”
“Sweetheart, I always call you my husband. What’s the difference?”
“The difference is that now I might get fired because of you! Not only did you ruin my mood but my life too. You’ve crashed my career right at its peak! I won’t marry you now; I don’t even want to live with you anymore! I’m packing my things this minute!”
“Andy, aren’t you overreacting?” Laura asked, shocked. “I told your boss I was your wife. What changed?”
“The bloody fact that Ms. Miles fancied me free as a bird! And now, thanks to your slip, her dreams are dashed! She’s already signed my dismissal!”
***
A week after Andrew left, Laura received a visit from the formidable Ms. Miles:
“Laura, I came to apologize,” she began, “but not for letting Andy go. I’m sorry you lived a lie with your… partner,” she trailed off.
“I see,” Laura dismissed her comments.
“I had big plans for him. We had ‘meetings’ without our ties, you know. Even some of his colleagues received special attention too…”
Laura swallowed, fighting off nausea.
“We assumed he was single; that’s why we competed for his attention. Had we known, we’d never have. If we’d known he was yours…”
“We weren’t married…”
“Co-habiting then…”
“Not anymore,” she lowered her eyes.
“You know,” Ms. Miles said firmly, “it’s better this way. He’s not a husband, nor a partner—just an odd case altogether! Consider yourself lucky he’s out of your life!”
Laura couldn’t help but agree. Not a husband, not a partner, just an odd fellow altogether.
