Let Me Go
Sometimes Helen would pause. She’d stand still, then suddenly spin around, looking into the darkness with her swollen, tear-stained eyes. But she saw nothing. No sights, no sounds, only feelings.
*****
Helen thought about her cat everywhere: in her empty apartment, on the street, on crowded buses, while sitting at her desk in the office, or waiting in line at the coffee machine.
Her thoughts lingered even as she went shopping for groceries, and when leaving with heavy bags in her hands.
Sometimes it almost seemed as if…
…she saw her. Really saw her!
The white, fluffy tail of Sugar would flash before her eyes, quickly disappearing around the corner of a building or playfully waving from behind the nearest bench.
Oh, what joy it was to see. To see the one she couldn’t live without. The one that was always by her side.
In those moments, a spark of hope would ignite in the woman’s dimmed eyes.
A tiny, almost ghostly hope. Maybe everything that happened wasn’t real?
Oh, how she wanted to believe it.
But it was just a fleeting moment.
A moment caught between the past and the future. A past that could not be reclaimed, and a future…
…that may never come.
No matter how hard she tried to find her beloved “blonde” amidst her endless gray days, she couldn’t, and tears would well up in her eyes.
Heavy, hot tears rolled down her cheeks, carrying with them sadness, pain, and one final hope.
– Helen, you can’t live like this! – her friends would say. – Let her go!
But she couldn’t let go.
How do you let go of someone you love? How?! To let go is to forget? Forget?! Are you out of your mind?
She tried, she really did, but nothing worked. Because she couldn’t forget.
How could she forget if she thought about her every day?
The only thing she wanted to erase forever from her memory was…
…the very day Sugar was gone.
Yes, her cat was quite old and had been ill lately, but she didn’t expect it to happen so soon. She wasn’t prepared. Can one ever truly be prepared for such?
Those who prepare are ready to let go. But she didn’t want to let go. She couldn’t.
And she didn’t care what her friends thought, or what her colleagues whispered behind her back.
Everything is understood in comparison. And her friends and colleagues had no comparison.
Maybe one day, things will change. But now… the pain was still too strong and…
…her weary imagination painted vivid pictures.
She woke up in the morning and saw Sugar lying by her feet: her heart would pound, racing to leap from her chest. But when Helen tried to reach out for her cat, reality would set in, and the smile would fade.
Such reality could drive one mad.
And Helen would have gone mad, if not for her imagination, which hurriedly began painting other pictures in her mind.
There was Sugar gracefully walking along the bookshelf, leaping to the floor, running into the next room…
There she lay on the windowsill, grooming her white fur and smiling at the sun, which shamelessly peeked through the window to admire Sugar with Helen.
How beautiful she was: a natural blonde. Not a single dark spot.
Only a few “freckles” graced her sweet little face, but they didn’t mar her perfect image. On the contrary, they made it even more enchanting.
Helen spent a long 15 years with her cat.
It’s a long time. Very long. Almost a lifetime, just scaled down.
During that time, so much happened in her life: both good and bad.
Sometimes she felt as if everything…
She could no longer find the strength to rise.
No one was there to lend a hand. But then Sugar would come running and help her up. She’d reach the depths of her soul, stirring something with her gentle purring.
It helped.
Helen would stand and keep living. Because there was a reason to, and someone to live for. But now? Why live now?
She sat on a bench and cried. Quietly cried, turning her head away whenever people passed by. So they wouldn’t ask needless questions.
Next to her sat Sugar. She pressed her whole body against Helen, purring, trying to comfort her owner.
Her former owner, because…
…her cat was no longer of this world.
But she hadn’t made it to the rainbow yet. That’s why Helen couldn’t let her go. She couldn’t.
“Let me go,” she meowed.
“I can’t!” Helen cried, speaking to no one in particular, but to everything that surrounded her then:
The silent trees, the clouds lazily drifting across the blue sky, the sun setting beyond the horizon.
So they sat together on the bench till late in the night. Only if Sugar saw and heard her owner, Helen felt her presence. But even that was worth a lot.
Wrapped in the evening chill, Helen felt her feet in light shoes grow cold, yet somehow her knees remained warm. Sugar was sat on them, between two worlds.
Between a world she could never return to, and the world she couldn’t enter.
No, Sugar didn’t blame her owner for this. How could she blame her for anything?
How can you blame a person who loved her more than life, who gave her life when others abandoned her, a helpless kitten, to die on the street?
Oh, if it were possible to live another life, Sugar would go through pain and suffering again for Helen to save her once more. To be with her again.
But does life work that way?
Helen stood up and started walking home. The cat followed her from a distance.
Sometimes Helen would pause. Stand in one place, then suddenly turn around and peer into the darkness with her swollen, tear-filled eyes. But she saw nothing. No sights, no sounds, only feelings.
She entered the apartment, headed to the bedroom, and lay on the bed, as her beloved cat curled up beside her, at her feet. And Helen knew she was there… She knew and didn’t want to let go.
Perhaps this could continue for a long time. A very long time. But time heals.
No, it doesn’t completely heal, but things get easier. It’s normal. That’s how it should be.
Even when we lose loved ones, we must move forward. That is the fate of those who remain.
To remember…
To remember and cherish those memories, soaked in love and happiness.
Gradually the pain of loss dulled, and Helen no longer thought of the cat every minute. She didn’t even think of her every day. Only on occasion. Usually, while strolling around her garden in the evening.
And Sugar… She felt less and less of the “earthly pull.”
Just a little more, and she’d reach the rainbow. From there, she could watch her owner, rejoicing in her successes and mourning her setbacks.
She would always be near. Just need to let go. These rules weren’t made by us and aren’t ours to break. We just have to believe and…
…remember.
The rest, the heavens shall take in their hands. They know best how it should be.
Helen let Sugar go, and she left, unable to say goodbye. But that event set in motion an unseen, vast wheel known as the “circle of life.”
One day, Helen sat on a bench, admiring the first star in the sky, when she heard a demanding meow beneath her feet. Looking down, she saw a kitten.
White. With blue bead-like eyes and ginger spots on its face.
She looked, in disbelief. No, of course, she knew in her mind that this wasn’t her Sugar.
But the kitten so much resembled her when she was small.
Could it be possible for the same cats to be born anew?
“Or is it just a coincidence?” Helen thought, cradling the kitten in her arms, astonished again upon realizing it was a girl.
Does it matter if it’s a coincidence or not?
Would Helen have ignored the kitten if it didn’t have “freckles”? No, she wouldn’t!
In life, sooner or later everything repeats, and those who REMEMBER never pass by…
…what destiny has prepared for them.
And so, Helen didn’t pass by.
She took the kitten home and gave her the same love she once gave her cat.
And she named the delightful little one Snow White.
Helen’s home once again filled with sounds. Sounds of joy and happiness.
And Sugar didn’t care whether she was called Sugar in her past life or Snow White in this one. Does it even matter? The important thing was her dream had come true!
Now her beloved owner would once again share her warmth and love, as she once did, and she in turn would share a part of herself with her. How beautiful the world is, and life is beautiful too. All we need to do is remember…
